Measure B Makes Condoms Mandatory in Porn

A few days ago, Measure B also known as the “Safer Sex in the Adult Film Industry Act” passed, officially making it illegal for porn stars to not wear condoms in Cali.

The thing is NOBODY wants to see condoms in their whackin’ videos because people turn to porn for an escape and don’t want to think about STDs or see penises even partially covered.

Can you imagine if all the female “actresses” had to wear dental dams and /or female condoms? You could officially call The Valley the horror capital of America.

Porn star James Deen (The Canyons, with Lindsanity) and adult film PR guy Christopher Ruth both told the Huffington Post that the measure will force everyone to relocate, taking “thousands of jobs and tax revenue out of Los Angeles and California,” and they’ve got their eyes on Vegas.  Continue reading “Measure B Makes Condoms Mandatory in Porn”

NOBODY Loves Clowns, Especially Not Ones That Diss The First Lady

Nobody loves a clown, but [most] everybody loves Michelle Obama. The only thing Michelle hates out loud are the parents of obese children, but maybe we can now add rodeo clowns to the list?

On Saturday, a professional face-painting, big shoe-wearing clown in Barstow, California made a joke at the 2012 Creston Classic Rodeo about the first lady and it did not go over well.

“Playboy is offering Ann Romney $250,000 to pose in the magazine, and the White House is upset about it because National Geographic only offered Michelle Obama $50 to pose for them,” Mike Hayhurst told the audience over the loudspeaker.

He was unavailable for comment due to asskicking from Michelle Obama being thrown off a bull.

Attack Of The 26 Foot Marilyn

A 26-foot tall statue of Marilyn Monroe frozen in time doing her famous I-managed-to-make-a-subway-grate-sexy pose will be moved from Chicago and sent to Palm Springs, California next month.

“Forever Marilyn” may be as popular to tourists as Kennedy’s mistress herself but it was ranked number one in a list of bad public art with fiberglass cows and a tasteless statue of Bewitched star Elizabeth Montgomery in Salem trailing just behind. Some women even crinkled their nose and called the statue sexist while visitors shamelessly snap pictures from under her dress.  Continue reading “Attack Of The 26 Foot Marilyn”

In Five Years, Kim Kardashian Could Be Mayor

Kim Kardashian really is considering running for mayor of Glendale, California in 2017. This is not a fake story, I didn’t get this from The Onion though I know some of you might see E! News in a less credible light.

In a clip for her sister’s show Khloe & Lamar, Kim can be heard saying “I’ve decided I’m going to run for the mayor of Glendale…you have to have full residency…It’s going to be in, like, five years.”

Kim, who has so far not fulfilled her destiny of birthing at least five children does not have a home in the area though she does plan on buying one soon. Perhaps her destiny is to be mayor for a year THEN log-ride baby shooting time. With Kris as midwife.

No hospital, just a swimming pool somewhere in Calabasas full of placenta and feces.

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Jon Lovitz Stands Up To Anti-Semitic Teen Bullies

The combined power of comedian Jon Lovitz’s notoriety and Twitter led to the expulsion of three bullies at Nobel Middle School in Northridge, California on April 9.

It came about when Lovitz took to the social media platform to express concern for his friend’s daughter who had a hate crime committed against her in the form of a swastika and the word “jew” written in maple syrup on her yard.

Lovitz persisted, posting a picture of them with the caption, “The 3 girls who are bullying my friend’s daughter, they want to be known. Let them be famous as Jew haters. Pls RT.”

The incident which also included dog feces left on the porch, was not serious enough to be called a “hate crime.” According to the police “hate incident” was more fitting. Thankfully the girls were taken out of their school, partly because of all the attention on the web.  Continue reading “Jon Lovitz Stands Up To Anti-Semitic Teen Bullies”

Video: Datarock – “California”

In Norwegian electro-geniuses Datarock’s new video, we are bombarded by high energy shots of a sweatsuit-wearing dancing (borderline parkouring) fool.

“California” is off their EP of the same name. The accompanying video was shot in Los Angeles and co-directed by founding Devo member Gerald V. Casale.

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21 Year-Old Spends Nine Hours Stuck In Child’s Park Swing

After (sort of) winning a $100 bet that he could fit inside a baby/toddler swing in Blue Rock Springs Park in California, a 21 year-old man (boy) found that he could not get out of the device.

His “friends” abandoned him in the play area in Vallejo after he lubed up the swing with some laundry detergent (I bet they didn’t have that on them to start with) and was trapped there for a total of nine hours.

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NO Shark Fin SOUP FOR YOU, California

Shark fin soup, which can cost up to $100 a bowl, will no longer be available in the state of California because governor Jerry Brown has signed a bill banning its main ingredient.

Some residents are outraged, while others applaud the new law. The fins sell for more than $2,000 a pound and are sometimes used in meals to celebrate Chinese birthdays, parties and weddings…

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Skydiving Sex Is Illegal Now??

The FAA (Federal Aviation Administration) has officially banned mid-air skydiving sex after an incident in Kersfield, CA possibly caused a small plane to crash land. (The pilot and his three passengers were safe)

Part-time skydiving instructor and porn star, Alex Torres, was fired from Skydive Taft after having sex with the receptionist, Hope Howell (ho-well?) in a separate plane, and also in the air! (NSFW pics ahead)…

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Heckler Tosses Disintegrating Hotdog At Tiger Woods

At Tiger Woods’ first tournament in two months, a man ran onto the green and attempted to throw a hotdog at the notorious golfer, then immediately sat down with his hands behind his back looking like “he wanted to be arrested,” as Woods put it.

The random hotdog toss tok place at the Frys.com Open at the CordeValle course in Northern California on the seventh green at the end of Tiger’s final round.

He says he was focusing on his putt when it happened:

”When I looked up, the hot dog was already in the air. The bun was kind of disintegrating.”

The heckler came out hollering, probably something about Tiger’s famous sexting/adultery scandal back in 2009, but Woods hardly saw him approaching…

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