Stories I’m Too Lazy To Write About [11-8-14]

 
Lorde turns 300, releases Katniss-approved “Yellow Flicker Beat” video. (E! Online)

Summer of 2015 is the summer of (legal) WEED! (Oregon Live)

Kim Jong-Un oblivious to stuffed animal sex. (Mashable)

Fraulein Minaj rallies Nazi Breezy, Nazi Weezy and Nazi Drizzy. (Jezebel)

Keira Knightley is all statement and no shirt photoshop. (Mic)

Duggar daughter caught banging husband in Church. (Gawker)

Non-Duggar caught whacking it in police station with Wheat Thins. (Concourse)

Is Kendall Jenner MORE FAMOUS than Kim Kardashian?

Kendall jenner headlines
According to the internet, fashionista Kendall Jenner is smitten with Chris Brown while simultaneously trying to steal Justin Bieber from Selena Gomez and become a Victoria’s Secret Angel while jealous models put cigarette butts in her lattes.

Lately Kim Kardashian has been reduced to boring mom updates while the eldest Jenner streamrolls straight over her and into the spotlight.

Big asses are so 2013. It’s all about “extreme side boob.”  Continue reading “Is Kendall Jenner MORE FAMOUS than Kim Kardashian?”

Sarah Silverman on Vape Pens, The Emmys, Drunks and Bush Water

Sarah Silverman Howard Stern show 2014After listening to Sarah Silverman on Howard Stern for the zillionth time, I’m realizing that the woman famous for lines like “I don’t care if you think I’m racist, I just want you to think I’m thin,” is not only hilarious, but also kind of on the top of my previously non-existent list of celebrities I’d actually want to spend time with.

On the Stern Show (September 23), real role model and imaginary bestie Silverman managed to transform stories on superficial things like dating Michael Sheen, showering under her mother’s bush and vape pens into hilarious well-worded wisdom on aging and body image.

On her infamous, random Emmys speech:

I’m always obsessed with the thought that we are hurling through space right now.

Getting older:

I’m in training for the rest of my life to be able to walk without pain. I just want to be healthy.

My skin is the loosest it’s ever been, and it’s only gonna get looser.

Her scene in Masters of Sex, starring boyfriend Michael Sheen:

Ever since I turned 40 I’ve been naked in things. It’s just a human body and I just kind of am over it.

Sheen’s ex-wife, Kate Beckinsale:

You know what, it’s more like ‘Oh my God, look at all these beautiful women and he loves ME.

He and Kate are like brother and sister. I love her, she’s hilarious.


Marijuana vs. Alcohol:

People made a really big deal about it, and I feel like in a few years it won’t be a big deal. Listen, I think of myself as a stoner but the truth is, I’m a total lightweight. I’ll have a puff or two puffs at the end of the night and it’s so funny that’s such a big deal because I’m literally milling around with drunk terrifying people. Drunk people are so scary to me. I don’t even want to make eye contact with them, it’s trouble. They’re trouble. If you look at them the wrong way all their fears come to the surface. You know when drunk people go ‘Oh you think you’re better than me?’ and it’s like, ‘No, that’s what you feel and it’s coming out,’ you know?

I’m not someone who’s like, gonna crusade to legalize pot. It’s not important enough to me, but it is ridiculous. It should be legal. All that shit should be legal.

Continue reading “Sarah Silverman on Vape Pens, The Emmys, Drunks and Bush Water”

Stories I’m Too Lazy To Write About [9-15-14]

Columbian cycling team naked
Women’s cycling team are blissfully unaware of their seeming naked-ness. (Daily Mail)

Lindsay Lohan may have touched Whitney Houston’s corpse. (TMZ/Jezebel)

15 fun (and scary) things you didn’t know about Friday Night Lights. (Uproxx)

Martha Stewart goes gangster on Gwyneth Paltrow. (Evil Beet Gossip)

And the undisputed BEST SENIOR PHOTO OF ALL TIME goes to…. (Grouchy Muffin)

Tyler, The Creator compares Apple’s “gift” of new U2 album to herpes. (Stereogum)

OITNB writer divorces husband for lady love/OITNB star Samira Wiley. (Vulture)

Here’s what Jon Hamm, Justin Bieber and Blake Lively look like as Average Americans

Blake lively planet hiltronJustin Bieber planet hiltronJon Hamm planet hiltron
Danny Evans – creator of Planet Hiltron, a site that shares photos of photoshopped celebrities looking like average to below average housewifes and blue collar husbands in small town America (basically, people who don’t know that feathered hair isn’t in style anymore) – is back, with renditions of Jon Hamm, Blake Lively and Justin Bieber + Selena Gomez.

Cameron Diaz and Lana Del Rey were also included in the exclusive collection. Would these not make amazing trading cards? The dumpier the celeb, the higher the value…

 

Bieber Injures Wrist in ATV Crash

Justin bieber four wheelerLast week, wittle baby Justin Bieber climbed up on a big bad four wheeler and hurt his itsy bitsy wrist. Did I mention he was arrested, or that Selena Gomez was there?

A photographer in a minivan reportedly caused the ATV crash in Ontario, but it’s more probable that he sprained his wrist texting, shaking his fist at the paparazzo he got in a fight with or whacking off to pictures of himself.

The weirdest part is that noted lawyer Gloria Allred is getting involved, and at first I thought she was repping Bieber (which would make sense since she’s all about protecting women’s rights), but she’s on team paparazzi, looking to imprison the Biebs in rusty shackles somewhere comparable to where Bane sent Batman, I hope.  Continue reading “Bieber Injures Wrist in ATV Crash”

Jennifer Lawrence ‘Too Famous’ For Love

Jennifer Lawrence and long-term British hubby Nicholas Hoult reportedly broke up because Lawrence is “in love with fame” and has an “exploded ego.”

I know explosive diarrhea goes away after a few hours and some form of hydration, but what’s the cure for an exploded ego?

I figure you make the subject churn butter with the Amish, or sing with nuns to remind them what it’s like to be a regular, non-recognized person, but if there’s anyone in Hollywood who seems to not need a course in being down-to-earth, it’s Jennifer Lawrence.

According to Celebrity Fix, fame-hating Hoult is now interested in indie starlet Riley Keough because his ex is just too good at her job A-list.  Continue reading “Jennifer Lawrence ‘Too Famous’ For Love”

Stories I’m Too Lazy To Write About [7-7-14]


Miley Cyrus and The Flaming Lips make a compelling case for never doing LSD. (RS)

Don’t move to Chicago unless you want bullet holes in your thighs. (Gawker)

Beyonce’s dad is a huge broke horndog with multiple baby mamas. (TMZ)

 Posh Spice shared an awkward glance with Sam Jackson at a tennis match. (BuzzFeed)

Canadian couple too in love to notice hungry tornado behind them. (Yahoo!)

Joan Rivers thinks we all think Michelle Obama is a tranny. (Uproxx)

Taylor Swift’s “family” members look a lot like Emma Stone and Lena Dunham. (Vulture)

 

Stories I’m Too Lazy To Write About [6-9-14]

Iggy Azalea Rita Ora I white chicksRita Ora and Iggy Azalea unknowingly reenact White Chicks. (Uproxx)

Being shunned by Hollywood has been really good for Mel Gibson’s biceps. (TMZ)

Tracy Morgan broke his leg, femur, nose and ribs. Is “more responsive.” (E! Online)

The guy in The Fault in Our Stars DIES. You’re welcome. (NY Daily News)

Olivia Munn is looking for her career in Aaron Rodgers’ mouth. (Radar)

Sneaky guinea pig impregnated 100 females, has more kids than Eddie Murphy. (Jezebel)

31-year-old loves the “natural hang” of his girlfriend’s 91-year-old boobs. (BuzzFeed)

Sofia Vergara, Emma Stone, Jeremy Piven Read Mean Tweets

Julia Roberts mean tweetIn Jimmy Kimmal’s latest edition of celebs reading outrageous tweets about themsevles, Courtney Cox gets called a “p*ssy hoe” while Kit Harrington is a “big bitch” and Julia Roberts simply has gaping lips that swallow 10,000-pound African land mammals whole.

Users also wonder why Sofia Vergara talks “like she has a d*ck in her mouth” and say they hope Jeremy Piven’s falls off in public, so I was thinking to save time his d*ck could fall off and land in Sofia Vergara’s mouth during the day on the Hollywood Walk of Fame while Emma Stone, who reeks of cat piss, videotapes it and Gary Oldman narrates.  Continue reading “Sofia Vergara, Emma Stone, Jeremy Piven Read Mean Tweets”

Stories I’m Too Lazy To Write About [5-21-14]

Watch this guy do “Talk Dirty to Me” in 20 distinct musical styles. (Rolling Stone)

Sad Affleck to star in Superman Vs. Batman: Dawn of Justice. (Huffington Post)

Giant sea turtle totally objects to couple’s beach wedding, lays eggs in protest (Viral Nova)

Jada Pinkett and Will Smith under investigation by CPS for a certain photo. (Breit Bart)

La Roux’s “Let Me Down Gently” video is great if you get off on close-ups of hair. (Idolator)

Channing Tatum’s wife thinks he’s addicted to confetti cake and alcohol. (Jezebel)

This female surfer/model has something in common with Aaron Hernandez… (Gawker)

 

Some Guy Almost Fell Over to Take a Selfie With Kim Kardashian

guy taking selfie with Kim Kardashian A picture is worth a thousand words, or in Kim Kardashian and the paparazzi’s case, a thousand dollars and up. This random lad from the street literally bent over backwards to pose with the star of American Horror Story: Armenian for a photo that is worth nothing unless he expects to get poon by Catfishing girls into believing he knows Kim.

Skateboard-holding white boy in Converse could pass for a hoodlum friend of her brother, Rob Kardashian, but we all know that Rob ate all his friends along with his feelings, his step-dad’s balls and his little sister’s humility.  Continue reading “Some Guy Almost Fell Over to Take a Selfie With Kim Kardashian”

Video: The Pretty Reckless – “Heaven Knows”

Interesting things are happening in pop music… Things that have nothing to do with Lady Gaga! Lily Allen wrote an entire song about it, but if you’re looking for the antithesis of Lorde, it’s Taylor Momsen.

She’s an entire year younger than Miley Cyrus, dirtier than Ke$ha and applies eyeliner with a paint roller. I feel the same way about her that some women do about sweaty James Franco selfies. It’s harder to admit that you sometimes find this person attractive than it is to masturbate to American Horror Story: Asylum.
   
This video for “Heaven Knows” is a few months old, but attention-grabbing. I mean, one second she’s harmonizing with a bunch of children and the next she’s ripping her clothes off…  Continue reading “Video: The Pretty Reckless – “Heaven Knows””

Amanda Bynes Frolics in Bikini, Makes Long-Awaited Return to Twitter!

Amanda Bynes bikini 2014
Amanda Bynes MAY be giving us the success story we wasted our time hoping for with Lindsay Lohan…

After entering a hospital and eventually rehab for driving crazily, smashing bongs and lighting fires in people’s yards, Bynes is seemingly back to her content, sane self – spending time with her parents and attending the Fashion Institute of Design & Merchandising.

Of all the negative things Bynes was “famous” for in recent years, most know her for her presence on Twitter.

Once the queen of attention-grabbing tweets that often involved calling people “ugly” and getting her vagina murdered, not to mention the posting of one-eyed duckface photos, Amanda B. has quietly returned to social media with short and sweet messages about her fans and her birthday. (She just turned 28.)  Continue reading “Amanda Bynes Frolics in Bikini, Makes Long-Awaited Return to Twitter!”

Stories I’m too Lazy to Write About [4-3-14]

R.I.P. … True Blood is ending after 2014. (Uproxx)

And hereee’s RoboCop eating donuts… (Grouchy Muffin)

 David Letterman retiring in 2015.  (Rolling Stone)

30 people confirmed dead in WA mudslide. (Yahoo!)

Nene Leakes looks contemplative in ’92 mug shot. (ohmyGAHH)

Wayne Gretzky’s daughter did Golf Digest?? (Deadspin)

Shakira lights herself on fire for “Empire” vid. (Idolator)

Cameron Diaz made a sex tape. (ComingSoon)

Stories I’m Too Lazy To Write About [2-1-14]


Shakira smokes a cigar with Rihanna in “Can’t Remember to Forget You.” (BuzzFeed)

America continues to beg Canada to take Justin Bieber back after second arrest. (Gawker)

Dylan Farrow begs Hollywood to stop praising Woody Allen in open letter. (NY Times)

A woman in Arizona tried to kill her husband with poop. Yeah, you heard me. (Jezebel)

More odd Man of Steel 2 casting: sequel will star Jesse Eisenberg as Lex Luthor. (Slate)

Besides the arrest, Justin Bieber ran out of milk, went to a strip club to find some. (Evil Beet)

And here’s a bunch of X Men: Days of Future Past character posters in Empire. (ohmyGAHH!)

Stories I’m Too Lazy To Write About [12-13-13]

stodden brunetteCourtney Stodden brown hair 2013
Courtney Stodden has brown hair, looks older and more porn-y than usual. (Daily Mail)

Internet goes crazy over 60-year-old girl meme. Tea and arthritis for all. (Grouchy Muffin)

Scientists in Antarctica discover most nipple-chilling place on earth at -136 degrees. (io9)

Mike Tyson’s “mistress” sends batsh*t crazy emails to his wife on a weekly basis. (TMZ)

Fox News lady wants you to know that Jesus and Santa are both white, like her. (Uproxx)

Edge of Tomorrow w/ Emily Blunt unlikely to break Tom Cruise’s crap film streak.  (Deadline)

This guy playing super popular songs of 2013 in 1:00 minute is my new hero. (Gizmodo)