Old Ass Michael Jordan Expecting Fourth Child

20131130-182547.jpgGood news! Michael Jordan’s ancient balls are still magical. The 50-year-old basketball legend and model wife Yvette Preito announced via Us Weekly that they are expecting their first child together, and grandpa-aged Jordan’s fourth overall. (Not-so-great-news for the various women who have unsuccessfully sued Jordan for child support.)

To get an idea of just how old of a dad he is, when this youngest son/daughter is 25 he’ll be 75, and by the time he or she is 50, like 2013-edition MJ, he or she will almost certainly be fatherless.

Just two more kids and he’ll have one for each championship ring….

Pauly D’s Sperm Count Apparently Not Affected by Hair Gel Toxins

pauly d hair gel french fry hairPauly D, second most well-known male cast member of Jersey Shore, is reportedly seeking custody of a lovechild he created during one of his many stints as a DJ in Vegas.

The now five-month-old baby was conceived with 25-year-old Amanda Markert, a fun-loving college student who formerly made a living peddling her dusty jugs across the wasteland known as Atlantic City.

It’s super shocking to hear that he not only wants custody of a potentially life-ruining applesauce guzzler, but that the booze, hair gel and tanning bed radiation didn’t stunt his swimmers.

I guess if Snooki can beat the odds and not incur damage to her eggs via electricity zapped through her Everest-sized poof, why can’t he? From Hollywood Life:

Pauly doesn’t think that the 25-year-old mother of his child, Amanda, is a fit mother because she used to work at Hooters and has another child, according to TMZ.

The two have reportedly filed dueling court docs because Pauly wants custody of his ADORABLE baby daughter, since he allegedly hasn’t physically seen the child yet. Amanda wants child support, even though Pauly is requesting custody — which may be a good thing, since Amanda took a picture of Amabella in a high chair that was covered in $100 bills.

Hey, Mr. D, Are you sure you got a legit paternity test? Because that churren totally has an afro.
Amanda Markert Dj Pauly d baby mamaPauly D lovechildamanda markert pauly d instagram
Read: Amanda Markert: 5 Things To Know About Pauly D’s Baby’s Mother

Simon Cowell Impregnated The Woman He Sometimes Ogles

Simon Cowell Lauren Silverman boat
Idol/Britain’s Got Talent/X-Factor judge Simon Cowell knocked up his friend’s wife, this kind of Demi Moore-looking woman that he likes to look at through binoculars even though she’s sitting right in front of him.

The baby mama, Lauren Silverman, is being compared to Blake Lively’s character on Gossip Girl because she’s a New York socialite. According to sources, she used his penis to wipe her tears after becoming estranged from her husband, Simon’s past-tense friend. (Who’s the third wheel now, bitch?)  Continue reading “Simon Cowell Impregnated The Woman He Sometimes Ogles”

Rihanna Calls a Toddler her ‘N*gga,’ Goes Topless on Instagram for the Trillionth Time

Rihanna topless instagram 2013 A small portion of Rihanna’s fans became upset after their blunty Bajan queen referred to a young boy as her “lil’ nigga” over the 4/20 weekend.

I’ve never minded the use of the word by black men or women. I also don’t care if Jewish Americans or members of the Hispanic community make fun of themselves in what could be considered a derogatory way. To me, it’s all like calling yourself fat. You can do it. Other people can’t.

That being said, she’s calling someone else that, and it’s a child.

Maybe only old white fogies consider things like this controversial. Maybe I’m too liberal for not caring. Who knows.

On to other things conservative crackers frown upon. Rihanna posed topless on Instagram prior to a concert in Atlanta, which isn’t news at all. (Text me when she breaks out the burka.)

Holly Madison Names New Baby ‘Rainbow Aurora’

Holly Madison PasqualeFormer number one girlfriend of Hugh “Puffin” Hefner and silicon star of The Girls Next Door (the theme song is still stuck in my head) Holly Madison popped out a 7 pound churren on March 5 and now we know its name.

No need for a drumroll since it’s laid out in the headline. The child’s name is Rainbow Aurora Rotella. Future stripper, professional crafter of daisy chains, or actual My Little Pony.

Aurora, after light displays in nature? Or just the chick with narcolepsy from that one Disney movie.

“I wanted to give my daughter a unique name,” Madison told E!. “Growing up, there was a girl in my school named Rainbow and I was so envious of that name. I thought it was so pretty and unique!”

Continue reading “Holly Madison Names New Baby ‘Rainbow Aurora’”

Add Fatherhood to the List of Things You Love About Channing Tatum

Channing Tatum wife JennaSexiest man alive Channing Tatum and most-envied woman alive Jenna Dewan-Tatum are expecting their first child! After speculation that Dewan was sporting a baby bump at VH1 Divas, representatives for the couple told People that they are “pleased to announce” the arrival of a tiny charming potato sometime next year.

Channing said in an interview just last month that they were both “ready” for children.

“The first number that pops into my head is three, but I just want one to be healthy and then we’ll see where we go after that. It’s really easy for us guys to say, ‘I want like 15 kids.’ Jenna will be like, ‘Well you better get another wife!'”  Continue reading “Add Fatherhood to the List of Things You Love About Channing Tatum”

Ladies, Adele’s New Baby Is About To Galactically Ruin Your Life

Four months ago, after she was noticeably pregnant in a way that was undeniable to the mighty lord Jesus Christ Xenu Allah Buddha Angelina Jolie Spaghetti Monster, Adele confirmed that she was indeed with child.

Yesterday it was announced that the lady who was once known solely for creating songs for women going through breakups while menstruating into a pint of Cherry Garcia, had created something else…

Yep, 24-year-old Adele and 38-year-old turkey baster Simon Konecki are “ecstatic” over the birth of their baby boy who resides in a lavish ten bedroom home in Sussex with his parents.

Continue reading “Ladies, Adele’s New Baby Is About To Galactically Ruin Your Life”

Uma Thurman’s Daughter’s Name Will Not Fit In This Headline

Uma Thurman gave birth to her third child and first with Frenchy Arpad Busson on July 15. The couple waited until now to announce the name, and brace yourself, because it’s a long one…

Rosalind Arusha Arkadina Altalune Florence Thurman-Busson, “known to family and friends as Luna,” according to Uma’s rep.

Seven names and each has a special “reason and meaning” unbeknownst to the public. Now, my indecisive parents decided to give me three middle names (Hallie Rose Sylvie Jane Madenski).

When asked for a middle initial, I can pick whichever one I’m in the mood for. Also, if I hated my first name (I don’t but nobody can pronounce it), I could always just call myself Jane or Rose or Sylvie and the same goes for little Luna, who will have just that many more options to pick and choose from.  Continue reading “Uma Thurman’s Daughter’s Name Will Not Fit In This Headline”

New ‘Skyrim’ DLC Allows You To Adopt A Child

Khloe and Lamar, I have a solution for your fertility woes – downloadable Skyrim content! Cartoonish medieval kids are always better than real ones, and in the eerily Sims-like Hearthfire, you can adopt one at the seedy orphanage in Riften!

Hearthfire costs 400 Microsoft Points and is the second add-on after Dawnguard (released June 26, 2012) to Game Of The Year-winner The Elder Scrolls V. 

The expansion lets you not only raise a family, but build your own home with additional bee hives, house slaves, gardens and fish hatcheries. It came out on September 4, so what are you waiting for?  Continue reading “New ‘Skyrim’ DLC Allows You To Adopt A Child”

Bad News For Fans Awaiting New Songs – Adele Is Pregnant!

Adele announced the news Friday on her website that her and boyfriend Simon Konecki have conceived a baby…

“I’m delighted to announce that Simon and I are expecting our first child together. I wanted you to hear the news direct from me, obviously we’re over the moon and very excited but please respect our privacy at this precious time. Yours always, Adele xx.”

Konecki is the CEO of the charity Drop4Drop, which looks to help countries in need gain access to drinkable water. Hopefully his girlfriend has quit that nasty smoking habit of hers.  Continue reading “Bad News For Fans Awaiting New Songs – Adele Is Pregnant!”

Time Magazine Managed To Offend Me

I watch every horror movie that comes out, no matter how grotesque. I play violent video games like Gears Of War, Doom, and Dead Space but the latest cover of Time of all things repulses me.

The issue focuses on “attachment parenting” techniques and shows a three year-old (who turns four in June) latched onto his mother, Jamie Lynne Grumet.

Grumet, a 26 year-old blogger, says breastfeeding both of her sons (the other is five) is very important to her and that the tradition was passed onto her.

“My mother breast-fed me until I was 6 years old, until I self-weaned,” she tells the magazine. “Her encouragement to breast-feed is why we were so successful.” 

Continue reading “Time Magazine Managed To Offend Me”

NJ Woman Tries To Give Her Offspring A Tan

The classiest people are always from Nutley, New Jersey. Case in point, a mother from there was charged for endangerment after putting her gingery daughter into a tanning booth, which resulted in a mild burn.

The accused is Patricia Krentcil, a 44 year-old raisin that was dropped in an exceptionally dirty all-night bonfire. She says she’s been visiting cancer-coal salons her life and that while she loves tanning, she never put her 6 year-old child in the booth.

Krentcil says the burn is from playing in the yard. Mhmmmm. Listen, I’m going to tell a short story… At my old apartment building there was this woman who visited the pool everyday. We called her “tan lady.”  Continue reading “NJ Woman Tries To Give Her Offspring A Tan”

Man Breaks Into Daycare, Puts On Pink Child-Sized Bikini

A man in Indiana broke into the Kidscape Learning Center just after 10 p.m. on October 20th, where he was seen via surveillance camera, trying on children’s swimsuits.

He found one that he preferred (a pink two piece) and walked around the daycare center for about 10 minutes until he apparently got bored, jumped over a counter, set off the motion detector, changed out of the swimsuit and left.

Continue reading “Man Breaks Into Daycare, Puts On Pink Child-Sized Bikini”

Freaky/Geeky Linda Cardellini Is Pregnant!

My favorite and somehow one of the least famous Freaks And Geeks stars (was also on ER and had a memorable part in Grandma’s Boy) is officially with child!

Freaks And Geeks is of course the brilliant show backed by Judd Apatow which was cancelled after its first season.

It starred Seth Rogen, Jason Segel, Samm Levine, Martin Starr, Busy Phillipps, James Franco AND even Ben Foster and Samaire Armstrong in minor reoccurring roles. All before anyone knew who the hell they were…

Continue reading “Freaky/Geeky Linda Cardellini Is Pregnant!”

Second Child For Iron Man!

Robert Downey Jr. and his wife Susan Levin/Downey are expecting their first child early next year! It is Robert’s second child, after his first son Indio with ex-wife Deborah Falconer.

Robert’s rep told the press today,

“Robert and Susan could not be more excited over this news. They can’t wait to welcome this new baby into their wonderful family.”

I think I know how they made the kid too, I’m getting a psychic Miss Cleo visual. Looks like it happened on the red carpet sometime, overexcitement for one of his films?

Maybe something that has yet to come out, like The Avengers or Sherlock Holmes: A Game Of Shadows?

Continue reading “Second Child For Iron Man!”

Beyonce Is Prego

Today Beyonce officially announced that she is in fact pregnant. She reportedly pointed and cupped her belly at the VMA Pre-Show AND before her performance of “Love On Top” she said,

“I want you to feel the love that’s growing inside me.”  (creepy)

Jay-Z And Kanye jumped all over the place… And later her agent confirmed the pregnancy to reporters.

This is her and Jay-Z’s first baby together. They were abruptly married in 2008 and have since led very normal lives as a duo, as normal as two of the biggest names in the industry can.

Rumors of Jay-Z’s infidelity have surfaced earlier this summer, somebody named Vashtie Kola claimed she was going to steal Jay away from Mrs. Beyonce Knowles. Sounds like an empty threat to me…

Continue reading “Beyonce Is Prego”

Lizzie McGuire Is Expecting A Baby

Hilary Duff announced today that she is with child! Her and pro hockey player Mike Comrie (Pittsburgh Penguins) were married exactly a year ago in 2010 and have been together since 2007.

Duff, 23, (famous for her role in Lizzie Maguire) let the world know through her website today, which crashed due to the ridiculous amount of people trying to access it, me included, that she is absolutely 100% pregnant. This is not a rumor, here’s the statement from her site,

 “We also want to share the exciting news that…BABY MAKES THREE!!!…We are extremely happy and ready to start this new chapter of our lives. Thanks to everyone for the continued love and support throughout the years!” 

Continue reading “Lizzie McGuire Is Expecting A Baby”