Measles Outbreak Linked to Idiot Parents

Measles meme The hot new thing right now is measles, a child-killing virus and rash that wasn’t much of a problem developed countries like the U.S. since widespread use of the vaccine in 2000. In 2004, there were only 37 cases, but in 2014 there were at least 644 confirmed cases in the states and many think that Jenny McCarthy the popular anti-vaccine movement is to blame.

If certain parents weren’t opposed to vaccinating their children there would likely be no outbreak in California or a rise in cases in general.  Continue reading “Measles Outbreak Linked to Idiot Parents”

Hasbro to Make Kid’s Cake Decorating Tool less Penis-y

play doh penisHasbro toys are addressing parent’s concerns about their totally dong-shaped frosting tool by replacing it with something less phallic after concerned mothers contacted the company and posted humorous pictures pointing out the similarities on Facebook after gifting it to their children for the holidays. (One grandmother even mistook it for an actual sex toy.)

Hasbro said in a recent statement that they are “in the process of updating all future Play-Doh products with a different tool.”

Replacement Hasbro cake decorating toy is ribbed for her pleasure comes in regular and magnum sizes. Free easy bake meth kit upon purchase for a limited time only.

Angelina Jolie’s Wedding Dress: Business in the Front, Party in the Back

Angelina jolie wedding dress front and back
The most beautiful couple of all time (Sorry, Sofia Vergara and Joe Manganiello) got married in a secret ceremony last weekend and in usual Jolie fashion, it wasn’t all ordinary.

White dress: check. Designer dress: check. Drawings all over the back of the dress: check.

In the words of someone over at Gawker, the dress was designed by the master tailor at Atelier Versace and A BUNCH OF SCREAMING CHILDREN!!!

Yes, Jolie adorably gave her children the dress as a canvas to display their artwork, and the entire back was covered in pictures of well, all I can make out are flowers, but I think I also see a plane and a robot and possibly Billy Bob Thornton waving goodbye.  Continue reading “Angelina Jolie’s Wedding Dress: Business in the Front, Party in the Back”

Tiny Taylor Swift Falls in Love With Tiny Ed Sheeran in ‘Everything Has Changed’ Video

everything has changed kid taylor swiftThe video for Taylor Swift’s “Everything Has Changed” featuring touring buddy and speculated real-life love interest Ed Sheeran is the seemingly sweet and innocent tale of two childhood best friends who appear to be early versions of Swift and Sheeran.

But there’s a twist. At the end of the thing we learn that the little ginger male and the curly-haired female are actually the kids of the two singers. Am I the only one that thought they were divorced and attempting to cordially share custody? Oh no, that’s weird because the kids are supposed to be together one day.

Okay okay… If they weren’t divorced, were they about to meet and make a third daywalker child which they would eventually resent and divorce over? I hate surprises. Everything ends in death. Continue reading “Tiny Taylor Swift Falls in Love With Tiny Ed Sheeran in ‘Everything Has Changed’ Video”

Hide the Autistic Children, Hide Them All!

Lindsay Lohan court Lindsay Lohan‘s new, extra-incompetent representative and proud graduate of Mickey’s Offbrand Toontown Law School in Disneyland Bratislava reportedly told the press that his client was on her way to a New York school for autistic children.

Withered lawyer potato Mark Heller would not disclose the name of the school or the exact location, so there’s no way for us to fly to the East Coast and intercept her attempts to corrupt and frighten developmentally disabled kids with her venomous words and facial creases.

They’re autistic, not deaf and blind. What school would even allow Lindsay Lohan to enter their premises?  Continue reading “Hide the Autistic Children, Hide Them All!”

Beyonce For Vogue, March 2013

Beyonce Vogue 2013 Before her big night(s) at the Super Bowl and Grammys (to which she wore a similarly underwhelming black and white trouser and top combo), Beyonce did an interview with Vogue that generated a headline about Blue Ivy being her best and only friend in the world.

This is not entirely true. Vogue did in fact incorporate unique quotes from pals like Gemini’s Twin member Kelly Rowland, mother Tina Knowles, Alicia Keys (who said she has “more power than any woman”) and Gwyneth Paltrow (friends with everybody). GQ did the same thing in their extra strange interview with Bey, enlisting Solange for what felt like half the interview.

Maybe Beyonce just isn’t filling enough space on the page? Here are the parts she did fill in, with crayons, for Vogue’s March issue…  Continue reading “Beyonce For Vogue, March 2013”

Another Elementary School Shooting, Another Day to Not Talk About Gun Control

Connecticut shooting 2012Nearly 30 people, including at least 20 children, were gunned down this morning at Sandy Hook Elementary School in Newtown, Connecticut just three days after the Clackamas mall shooting in Oregon.

News outlets, politicians and the Twitter/Reddit/Facebook generation are bringing their boxing gloves to the table today either in favor, or against a forum on stricter laws regarding guns. In one corner, we have men and women who, at some point, felt threatened enough by their surroundings to “need” a gun or two to “survive,” standing by others from rural red counties who were taught to hunt and clean a rifle at age seven.  Continue reading “Another Elementary School Shooting, Another Day to Not Talk About Gun Control”

‘Savages’ Actor Aaron Johnson Weds 45-Year-Old Sam Taylor-Wood

There’s a new Ashton and Demi in town, only this couple makes the 15 years that was between them look like minimal.

Kickass and Savages star Aaron Johnson, 22, has just tied the knot to his girlfriend of three years, director Sam Taylor-Wood.

Married in Somerset on Thursday, they have two daughters together, Wylda Rae and Romy Hero.

Johnson is also inheriting two stepchildren from Wood’s previous marriage.

The 23 year age difference hasn’t seemed to hinder them at all, as they look happy as two out-of-sea clams.

They even went Dutch and changed their names to Taylor-Johnson.

In other non-traditional wedding news, character actor Giovanni Ribisi tied the knot with British model Agyness Deyn last weekend.

Tori Spelling’s Sanity Shrinks As Her Litter Expands

Tori Spelling is pregnant with not her second or third child but her fourth, and here’s the kicker, it’s been a mere five months since she popped out her last churren, in October. This reminds me of a quote from Friends,

“It’s gonna be one of those log rides where they just come shooting out!”

Spelling announced her pregnancy yesterday on her website. “Dean, Liam, Stella, Hattie, and I are beyond thrilled to announce that another little McDermott is on the way! We feel truly blessed that another angel has found us.” 

Continue reading “Tori Spelling’s Sanity Shrinks As Her Litter Expands”

Nick Cannon Whacks It To Mariah Songs, Wants Scientist Children

Mariah Carey‘s husband, D-list actor/musician Nick Cannon has been put his hoof in his mouth for the millionth time.

This week, he talked to People Magazine about a potential career for his children, and spoke to the radio show Mojo In The Morning about his “special moments” with his wife’s music.

Mojo: When you guys get intimate with each other…Have you ever listened to one of her songs or one of your songs?…

Continue reading “Nick Cannon Whacks It To Mariah Songs, Wants Scientist Children”

Disappointing Britney Spears VMA Tribute

Obviously I am not happy about the MTV Video Music Awards this year. So far I’ve been excited to see Rebecca Black dressed as a dinosaur, the Amy Winehouse tribute, Adele’s performance and Beavis & Butthead staring at Nicki Minaj’s Super Bass Bazoombas.

While I am happy that there was a tribute at all for Britney Spears and that she won the award for Best Pop Video for “Till The World Ends,” the tribute part of it was a huge letdown.

This year Britney (who looked very healthy/pretty) was presented the Michael Jackson Video Vanguard Award and a group of people got together to apparently, celebrate her history…

Continue reading “Disappointing Britney Spears VMA Tribute”