Chris Martin has Big Beefy Arms to Impress Girls Not Named Gwyneth

Chris Martin buffThe only thing I ever liked about Coldplay satanist Chris Martin was the rumor that he got revenge on his ex – super healthy Gwyneth Paltrow – by buying fast food for their kids. I suppose there is one other thing I like, and that’s when Coldplay is in between albums and not making the cheesiest, most sleep-inducing music of all time.

Sadly, his band is still promoting Ghost Stories and have invaded Sydney to film their “A Sky Full of Stars” video, and Chris is apparently either enjoying a protein-rich, non-French Fry diet or has discovered steroids.

With giant arms, tulips bursting out of his guitar and a drum strapped to his back, he’s forgotten that most women would rather back up into a glory hole or have a one night stand with Verne Troyer than be with a birthday party magician. And that Nick Cannon’s character in Drumline is the only member of a marching band to ever get laid.

 

Gwyneth Paltrow is Saying Silly Things About Her Divorce

Gwyneth Paltrow Chris Martin dinnerContrary to the headline, Gwyneth Paltrow really hasn’t said anything too “silly” about her divorce, but many do seem offended by her seemingly stuck-up refusal to actually call it a “divorce” in her original and follow-up statements.

In the first, she left a bad taste in the mouths [of people who probably already hated her] by using the term “conscious uncoupling” to describe her separation from longtime douchehub Chris Martin.

Recently, Paltrow published a recipe brutal guide to cutting off a chicken’s legs and head with a little “P.S.” message attached. “CM and I in deep gratitude for the support of so many,” she wrote.  Continue reading “Gwyneth Paltrow is Saying Silly Things About Her Divorce”

Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin are Officially Done

Uh oh. Gwyneth Paltrow finally realized how bad Chris Martin’s music is…

Paltrow wrote on her newsletter website that they’ve decided to separate after 11 years of marriage, therapy (I assume) and two biblical/fruit-themed babies.

“We have been working hard for well over a year, some of it together, some of it separated, to see what might have been possible between us, and we have come to the conclusion that while we love each other very much we will remain separate,” Paltrow wrote.

“We are, however, and always will be a family, and in many ways we are closer than we have ever been” she continued. “We are parents first and foremost, to two incredibly wonderful children and we ask for their and our space and privacy to be respected at this difficult time.”

Continue reading “Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin are Officially Done”

Coldplay Taking Three Years Off From Touring/Recording

Chris Martin told fans at a show at Suncorp Stadium in Brisbane, Australia that Coldplay will not be performing at large venues for several years.

“This is the last big show for three years or so,” he said. “I don’t want to stop.”

Oh but I do want you to stop, just like I want Green Day and The Killers to. Unlike those two bands, I NEVER liked Coldplay and am thrilled to hear that they may be taking a three-year break.

You have to assume that no more “big shows” means no more CDs period, because they wouldn’t make an album and not tour for it. Right? Continue reading “Coldplay Taking Three Years Off From Touring/Recording”

Coldplay’s Chris Martin Admits His Lyrics Are ‘Shit’

The Coldplay frontman told NME“I know our lyrics are a bit shit, but those ones [for ‘Charlie Brown’] I like them a lot.” “Charlie Brown” is song number four on their latest watered-down U2 ripoff party called Mylo Xyloto.

And to prove his idiocy (though finally he’s being honest about how half-assed his band really is) he said, on his potential hit duet with Rihanna, called “Princess Of China:”

Continue reading “Coldplay’s Chris Martin Admits His Lyrics Are ‘Shit’”

Every Teardrop Is A Moment Listening To Coldplay


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So I’m sitting on my couch writing on my laptop at 2:15 a.m. and watching Fuse’s All Nighter show, which is distant compared to the clicking of keys but still prevalent, and all of a sudden guess what I hear? The devil’s voice! Seeping out of my TV like cheap toothpaste. And he’s not what you’d think, his voice is high-pitched, and by no means as commanding as you’d expect the devil’s voice to be.

Then I tune my ears in to his voice, and I feel him hypnotizing me with some horrendous new form of torture. And what is that new form of torture? The one where blood comes pouring from my ear canal, and there can never be enough tissues or towels or doctors to stop the painful endless surge of tissue that is escaping my hemorrhaging brain…

Continue reading “Every Teardrop Is A Moment Listening To Coldplay”