Horrible Movie Adaptation of Horrible Book ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’ Has a Trailer

Remember when Fifty Shades of Grey was all the rage? You couldn’t throw a rock without hitting a woman with secretion-stained underwear daydreaming about Christian Grey blindfolding her and stuffing her with buttplugs in the back of his private jet.

The least-romantic story ever, about a man who is entitled to degrade women he barely knows because he’s rich and handsome, is so backwards it reminds me of an article I was just reading about how doctors used to diagnose horny women with hysteria. (It was also about crank-up dildos that look like a drill and blowdryer in one.)  Continue reading “Horrible Movie Adaptation of Horrible Book ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’ Has a Trailer”

Underwear Model Jamie ‘Golden Torso’ Dornan Cast as Christian Grey

Jamie Dornan steamy photo gallery Hey depraved ladies and spicy gay gents, we have a new Christian Grey and he’s handsome and fit and has better hair than Charlie Hunnam!

If you haven’t seen Jamie Dornan‘s work as a steamy Calvin Klein Adonis as the Huntsman on Once Upon a Time or a pervy serial murderer in The Fall co-starring Gillian Anderson, take a deep breath and gaze into the physical prowess that may or may not make you say “Matt Bomer who?”

In 2006, Dornan was nicknamed “The Golden Torso” by the New York Times after he landed a small part in Sofia Coppola’s Marie Antoinette.

Like Henry Cavill and so many sexy time sex bomb dudes, Dornan thrusts his crotch in our direction mumbling the words “I don’t see myself as particularly good-looking” with a completely straight face.

Continue reading “Underwear Model Jamie ‘Golden Torso’ Dornan Cast as Christian Grey”

Charlie Hunnam Drops ‘Fifty Shades’ Faster Than You Can Say ‘Inner Goddess’

Charlie Hunnam slicked back hairCharlie Hunnam, beloved shirtless star of Pacific Rim and Sons of Anarchy, has backed out of Fifty Shades of Grey.

An official statement from the studio cites a scheduling conflict, saying Hunnam’s leather-clad role on Sons doesn’t allow him the time to prepare for the equally leathery role of Christian Grey.

This is clearly bullcrap, because he knew his exact schedule when he signed on.

A source tells Hollywood Life that Charlie didn’t want Fifty Shades to be “his version of Showgirls,” which seems much closer to the truth, because he’s too decent of an actor to become the laughing-stock of Charming, L.A. and England all because of a paycheck.  Continue reading “Charlie Hunnam Drops ‘Fifty Shades’ Faster Than You Can Say ‘Inner Goddess’”

Jax a.k.a. Charlie Hunnam IS Christian Grey

Charlie Hunnam gif eyebrows Christian GreyForget that Sons of Anarchy and Pacific Rim star Charlie Hunnam is too tall, too blonde and too British to play Christian Grey!

He’s sexy and that’s apparently all that matters when you’re casting 50 Shades.

Hunnam has been confirmed as the male lead in the erotic movie version of the bestselling book by middle-aged pervert E.L. James (I’m just jealous of her giant pile of $), after months of casting rumors mainly involving Ian Somerhalder and Robert Pattinson.

I really don’t wonder how he’ll do as a wealthy control freak abuse victim with a box full of ball gags because Fifty Shades of Grey is literally the stupidest, least tantalizing book I have ever read (still jealous).  Continue reading “Jax a.k.a. Charlie Hunnam IS Christian Grey”

‘Fifty Shades Darker’ Excerpts (NSFW)

I don’t condone book burning, unless it’s the Fifty Shades Of Grey series. 

If I had Tyler Shields’ photography skills and a camera worth more than $150 dollars I would buy several copies just so I could take photos of myself ceremoniously tossing them into a massive bonfire.

I’m not supportive of E.L. James and her “talent” for writing erotic novels. Novels about the two worst examples of each gender – people who I would personally shoot on sight if they weren’t fictional.

Christian Grey, who was abused as a child and now does nothing but sexualize a woman (Anastasia Steele) feels oppressed by the fact that she’s allowed to vote and work someplace other than a brothel.  Continue reading “‘Fifty Shades Darker’ Excerpts (NSFW)”

‘Fifty Shades Of Grey’ Excerpts (NSFW)

Fact: E.L. James (penname of Erika Leonard) once used the name Snowqueens Icedragon. Her bestselling typo-ridden erotica novels, the Fifty Shades Of Grey trilogy, was originally written as Twilight fanfiction and is huge right now.

The books are number one two and three on the New York Times Bestseller in four categories and movie rights have already been sold to Focus Features and Universal Studios.

James has also been listed as one Time’s 100 Most Influential People, all for a book centering around a virginal recent college graduate (Anastasia) who falls in love with BDSM billionaire Christian Grey.

He presents his new lover, Anatasia, with a special S&M contract with many dominance-related stipulations.

People who hate whatever happens to be the “big thing” in current literature, (be it Harry Potter, The Da Vinci Code, Twilight or The Hunger Games) might have more beef with this than anything in the past.

Continue reading “‘Fifty Shades Of Grey’ Excerpts (NSFW)”