Merry Christmas! Here’s a Cat Dressed as Santa…

cat dressed as santaErm, I just wanted to wish you all a merry Christmas and remind you that I am a crazy cat lady who still adores all 3 of her fans (mom and brother + one friend?) with this photo of a feline Santa, beard and all.

And because I’m random as all hell and think you’re all psychologically disturbed for tricking innocent kids, here’s a wonderful article about a distressed mother being totally dishonest after her children discovered presents in the attic and nearly stopped believing in Santa.

Best excerpt, via The New York Times:

In addition to being a mom, I am a behavioral neuroscientist, a professor and a generally serious-minded, reality-based person. So what in the world had I just done? Why did I invent this incredible story in a desperate bid to protect my daughters’ belief in Santa, instead of seizing it as a teachable moment to tell them the truth?

Your milk is sour and your cookies taste like lies! Love, a Grinch who is far too lazy to steal trees.

Dog Takes Bikini-Clad Mariah Carey Out For a Walk

Mariah Carey bikini snowMariah Carey is in Aspen for Christmas and is fulfilling the ancient Anglo-Saxon tradition of walking one’s dog in just a bikini during snowy, 20-degree weather.

No seriously, this is a tradition. Instagram says so. America’s Got Talent is over, but I guess Nick Cannon found some other excuse to not pose next to her in a thin red banana hammock. We all know Mariah’s second-favorite thing after Christmas is shaming her husband.

She went so far as to call herself the female version of Will Ferrell’s character in Elf on Watch What Happens Live!

“I’m him, but the girl version of the character!” the “All I Want for Christmas Is You” singer said. “I’m like a five-year-old, I’m the kid still waiting for snow.”  Continue reading “Dog Takes Bikini-Clad Mariah Carey Out For a Walk”

Amy Adams For Vanity Fair, January 2014

Amy Adams Vanity fair coverAmy Adams gets straight to the point (and half-naked) in the latest issue of Vanity Fair. Spreading holiday cheer with candy canes and signature ginge minge at famed celebrity hangout Chateau Marmont, Adams tells VF that she is “not pregnant” or looking to get married anytime soon to longtime boyfriend/fiancé Darren Le Gallo.

“I know he’s completely capable and lovely, and beautiful, and offers something I could never hope to offer just in the nature of his being,” Adams says.

She also talks about losing weight and being brown in David O. Russell’s American Hustle, which lazily combines the casts of his previous films, Silver Linings Playbook and The Fighter.

“It’s amazing what a tan can do. Because I’m not tan, so that was fun to play with,” Adams added.  Continue reading “Amy Adams For Vanity Fair, January 2014”

Lady Gaga Rubs Against Joseph Gordon-Levitt For Retro, Christmas-Themed Body Heat

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Lady Gaga actually looks about as surprised as we are to see Joseph Gordon-Levitt on top of her, singing the 1949 classic “Baby, It’s Cold Outside” for her holiday special last week.

I mean she looks terrified. Not just here, but all the time. Why is that? It’s like the face her grandma would make after hearing the lyrics to that new song “Swine.Continue reading “Lady Gaga Rubs Against Joseph Gordon-Levitt For Retro, Christmas-Themed Body Heat”

5 Holiday Movies to Melt Your Cynical Heart

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Yay! Holidays are here and it’s time to tune out gluttonous relatives who only ever brag about their children’s non-existent achievements, buy things you can’t afford or keep for yourself, and eat food that will shave five years off your life and force you to buy elastic maternity pants that only come in embarrassing colors.

So, while you’re decorating the tree you killed in your stained turquoise pants, here are some festive movies to pass the time and make that black icicle in your chest go thump thump thump.

(Omitted National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation and A Christmas Story for obvious reasons.)

1. Scrooged. Before What About Bob? and Groundhog Day, there was Scrooged with Bill Murray in his curly-haired prime in the best (and only?) Christmas Carol movie aimed at drink-holding adults.

2. Love, Actually. This one’s not so much for cynics, but it’s still a billion edgy steps up from anything dredged up from Nicholas Sparks’ toilet. Aging sellout Billy Mack steals the show with his corny rendition of “Love Is All Around.” Oh, and all I want for Christmas is a naked Bilbo Baggins (you’ll see).

3. Mixed Nuts. Liev Schreiber in drag and pregnant Juliette Lewis bitching to the tune of Adam Sandler’s ukulele. Help me solve the mystery of why this movie was panned by the critics.

4. Home For The Holidays. Truly the perfect dysfunctional family Thanksgiving movie, this centers around a brother and sister (an understated Robert Downey Jr. and Holly Hunter), their mom and crazy aunt Gladys. Also, shaky-chinned Claire Danes and douchey Dylan McDermott. “LET’S EAT DEAD BIRD!”

5. Bad Santa. Sarcastic drunk mall Santa befriends overly optimistic fat kid. Hilarity ensues. ‘Nuff said.

Demi Moore Laps Up Mud and Younger Men at Bikini Boot Camp

Demi Moore MudAccording to Radar/Star, Demi Moore spent her Christmas vacation in Mexico at “Amansala’s Bikini Bootcamp.”

Amansala’s BBC is an eco-chic (yes, that’s a thing) resort that incorporates activities like yoga, mud-baths, Zumba, meditation, heathy eating and circuit training into your daily routine.

Sounds like a nightmare, but it’s all true. Questionable Star Magazine part ahead….

“A guest” told the publication she was cougar-ing it up, ignoring the scarce selection of fifty-somethings for the 28 to 33 year-olds, all while using the discreet summer camp counselor-style codename “Topper.”  Continue reading “Demi Moore Laps Up Mud and Younger Men at Bikini Boot Camp”

Merry Christmas From Barbados!

Rihanna Christmas cardI’m not in Barbados, you’re not in Barbados, we’re all not in Barbados. Except for Rihanna, who wants you to know that she’s there, soaking up the sun and enjoying the holidays and Caribbean Dream chronic on a wicker chair.

I honestly can’t say that I’m jealous. She may be avoiding the eggnog-related car crashes and last-minute shoppers, but she’s also with her family. And that’s where I am too. Christmas is always great because I get to go to the movie theater, eat sugar in excess, open presents and spend time with the people I love in the same day. Honestly, what could be better than listening to my mom read eccentric New York Times articles about frogs?  Continue reading “Merry Christmas From Barbados!”

Justin Bieber is Back With Selena Gomez

Justin Bieber Selena Gomez Salt Lake Airport Selena Gomez supposedly broke up with Justin Bieber in November, but now that Harry Styles is unavailable, she seems to have wandered back into Justin’s hairless twig arms for a little love under the Canadian mistletoe.

Speaking of mistletoe, have you ever noticed that people often hang Holly leaves up and kiss under them because they don’t know the difference?

I personally have found that Holly trees do well in cemeteries, which means they like to feed on dead bodies.

Selena probably broke up with Justin because he likes dead bodies. Merry Christmas.

Read: Back On With Bieber! Selena Gomez Snuggles Up With Justin

Coming Soon to IMAX: Queen Elizabeth’s Christmas Speech!

Queen Elizabeth red coatFirst the Pope joins Twitter, and now the Queen is in 3D. What’s next, The Celebrity Apprentice in space? The Guardian is reporting that Sky News (who have recently added 3D golf and soccer to their programming), will broadcast Queen Elizabeth II’s speech on Christmas day in 3D.

“What’s the highlight of her speech? Like she’s going to give one hand gesture and people will be like ‘Remember when the hand came at you?'” Chelsea Lately round table member Ryan Stout wondered.

A spokeswoman for the palace said The Queen “agreed straight away” and needed no convincing to have her likeness glaring and waving her finger in an extra dimension on Jesus’ birthday.  Continue reading “Coming Soon to IMAX: Queen Elizabeth’s Christmas Speech!”

Courtney Stodden Covers Her Christmas Goodies With Synthetic Snow

Courtney Stodden santaI’m not sure what I did for holidays before Courtney Stodden came along. The woman who somehow manages to be ten thousand times less talented than Snooki, Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian, puts the “f” in fun (and other words) and doesn’t discriminate.

Halloween, Christmas, Thanksgiving, 52-year-olds – all fair game.

Stodden is like Taylor Momsen in that she never let being underage get in the way of her sexualized antics. Now that she’s 18, she shows no signs of slowing down the antics (or visits to McNamara/Troy).

She explained to E! that her latest photo shoot, which earned her the Daily Mail headline “She’ll give Santa a heart attack,” was designed to “spread Christmas cheer.”

Continue reading “Courtney Stodden Covers Her Christmas Goodies With Synthetic Snow”

Happy Holidays From The Kardashian-Jenner-Odom-Disick Family!

Kardashian Christmas card 2012 The 2012 Kardashian Christmas card is surprisingly white and reminiscent of a New Year’s mixer sponsored by Harry Winston. Notice the stand-outs…

Grandma Samantha Jones enjoying champagne with barren childless Khloe, Kendall Jenner showcasing the gams, and DJ of the event, Rob “Rawdog” Kardashian.  Continue reading “Happy Holidays From The Kardashian-Jenner-Odom-Disick Family!”

Santa, Santa Claus Spoofs James, James Bond

Santa Claus James BondAfter a horrible tragedy like the one in Connecticut, laughter keeps us sane, and if Martin Short and Saturday Night Live can’t get us there, Santa “The Slay Man” Claus in Snowfall might.

In the video, posted by Official Comedy, Kris Kringle talks decking the halls with brains and sliding down a woman’s fireplace.

If that one doesn’t get a chuckle, try my new favorite song and visual accompaniment, “Dear Santa (Bring Me A Man This Christmas)” by “It’s Raining Men” hitmakers The Weather Girls. Continue reading “Santa, Santa Claus Spoofs James, James Bond”

Apocalypse 2012: John Travolta and Olivia Newton Murder Our Eyes and Ears

Travolta Gay ChristmasThere are so many things going on this video: the hairline, line dancing, the fact that it looked like it was filmed with a $659.99 Groupon.

Olivia Newton-John and the socially awkward alien from Battlefield Earth reminded everyone that it’s not 1978 anymore by recording a duet called “I Think You Might Like It”, which sounds like something you said in junior high to the girl who received your Valentine’s card fashioned out of her hair.

In the opening scene, John Travolta pilots his own jet into some hick town to meet Olivia. Ollie is in the ol’ Grease mobile with a bunch of fake presents that some poor studio intern probably had to wrap 4 minutes before shooting.  Continue reading “Apocalypse 2012: John Travolta and Olivia Newton Murder Our Eyes and Ears”

Jimmy Fallon and Mariah Carey Team Up To Save The Holidays With ‘All I Want For Christmas’

Mariah Carey Jimmy Fallon ChristmasJimmy Fallon, Mariah Carey and The Roots are The Avengers of December, teaming up to save Christmas from two Grease stars who almost square dance-stomped the shit out of our collective holiday spirit.

I’m talking about the genius of the classic “All I Want For Christmas” with a quirky Fallon twist versus the Grinchy sadness of John Travolta and Olivia Newton-John’s “I Think You Might Like It.” One makes me want to clap my joyous hands together, the other makes me want to clap them over my ears. Both feature John Travolta and Mariah Carey in their natural habitat.

Continue reading “Jimmy Fallon and Mariah Carey Team Up To Save The Holidays With ‘All I Want For Christmas’”

Britney Spears is 31 Years Old Today!

Britney Spears Santa outfitHappy birthday to my all time favorite pop star – wincing X-Factor judge, and Kevin Federline survivor Britney Spears!

Original queen of the gas station turned 31 today. No exact word on how she’s celebrating or what undeserving fiancé Jason Trawick gave her as a gift.

She did tweet a photo of latest addition to the Spears family, Hannah the dog, standing on a birthday card and later thanked her fans and wrote that she was having an “absolutely wonderful birthday.”

I’m going to encourage you to check out a certain lesser-known landmark moment in her career… The Christmas song “My Only Wish (This Year).” Released in 2000, the song is predictably about how Britney wants a man under the mistletoe and in her sleigh.  Continue reading “Britney Spears is 31 Years Old Today!”

Kristen Stewart’s Gives Thoughtful Gifts, Spends $12,000 On Guitars For R-Patz

The money clearly is no issue, when you consider Kristen Stewart‘s salary for Twilight and note that most celebrities just buy each other cars and diamonds. Though she could afford to buy Robert Pattinson a Range Rover or a lovely diamond necklace, vintage guitars are a bit more heartfelt. Just a bit. Barely.

While some people might take this as a personal message from K-Stew to R-Patz about his career choice and rumored affair, such as “please take these instruments and pursue this instead because you hanging out with groupies is still better than sluts like Nikki Reed,” I think it’s less complex.

Continue reading “Kristen Stewart’s Gives Thoughtful Gifts, Spends $12,000 On Guitars For R-Patz”

Celebrity Christmas Cards, 2011 Edition

Egos and fame go together like bread and toasters so it’s no surprise when they humiliate themselves with over-the-top Christmas Cards. 2011’s most interesting cards came from The Kardashian family, Bret Michaels and Fergie/Josh Duhamel. Continue reading “Celebrity Christmas Cards, 2011 Edition”