The Best Non-Cosby Jokes from the Globes

Jessica Chastain goldeng globesWhen it came to Tina Fey and Amy Poehler’s Bill Cosby joke at the Golden Globes, you were either laughing hysterically (Lena Dunham) or completely losing your sh*t (Jessica Chastain). So fun seeing harmless Clooney’s-wife-could-do-better and Meryl Streep-has-a-million-awards jokes turn into I PUT THE PILLS IN THE PEOPLE.

There were of course other funny moments from the monologue which are being a tad overshadowed…

1. Amy, to Frances McDormand: Frances, I love you. Can I just say you’re the only person in this room that I would save in a fire?

2. Tina: George Clooney married Amal Alamuddin this year. Amal is a human rights lawyer who worked on the Enron case, was an advisor to Kofi Annan regarding Syria, and was selected for a three-person UN commission investigating rules of war violations in the Gaza strip. So tonight, her husband is getting a lifetime achievement award.3. Amy: I didn’t like Gone Girl. I go to the movies to escape, I don’t want to just see myself up there on the screen.

4. Amy, on Reese Witherspoon in Wild: She did all of her own walking … Andy Serkis was great as her backpack.  Continue reading “The Best Non-Cosby Jokes from the Globes”

Nvm: Sony WILL Show ‘The Interview’ on Christmas

seth rogen james franco dancing the interview gif imgurWell this is confusing, the CEO/Chairman of Sony is saying that the studio has “never given up on releasing The Interview, after a spokesman said they had “no further release plans” less than a week earlier due to the negative press surrounding the movie.

Sony’s Michael Lynton also said the following about the controversial Seth Rogen comedy:

We are continuing our efforts to secure more platforms and more theaters so that this movie reaches the largest possible audience.

Continue reading “Nvm: Sony WILL Show ‘The Interview’ on Christmas”

Sarah Silverman on Vape Pens, The Emmys, Drunks and Bush Water

Sarah Silverman Howard Stern show 2014After listening to Sarah Silverman on Howard Stern for the zillionth time, I’m realizing that the woman famous for lines like “I don’t care if you think I’m racist, I just want you to think I’m thin,” is not only hilarious, but also kind of on the top of my previously non-existent list of celebrities I’d actually want to spend time with.

On the Stern Show (September 23), real role model and imaginary bestie Silverman managed to transform stories on superficial things like dating Michael Sheen, showering under her mother’s bush and vape pens into hilarious well-worded wisdom on aging and body image.

On her infamous, random Emmys speech:

I’m always obsessed with the thought that we are hurling through space right now.

Getting older:

I’m in training for the rest of my life to be able to walk without pain. I just want to be healthy.

My skin is the loosest it’s ever been, and it’s only gonna get looser.

Her scene in Masters of Sex, starring boyfriend Michael Sheen:

Ever since I turned 40 I’ve been naked in things. It’s just a human body and I just kind of am over it.

Sheen’s ex-wife, Kate Beckinsale:

You know what, it’s more like ‘Oh my God, look at all these beautiful women and he loves ME.

He and Kate are like brother and sister. I love her, she’s hilarious.


Marijuana vs. Alcohol:

People made a really big deal about it, and I feel like in a few years it won’t be a big deal. Listen, I think of myself as a stoner but the truth is, I’m a total lightweight. I’ll have a puff or two puffs at the end of the night and it’s so funny that’s such a big deal because I’m literally milling around with drunk terrifying people. Drunk people are so scary to me. I don’t even want to make eye contact with them, it’s trouble. They’re trouble. If you look at them the wrong way all their fears come to the surface. You know when drunk people go ‘Oh you think you’re better than me?’ and it’s like, ‘No, that’s what you feel and it’s coming out,’ you know?

I’m not someone who’s like, gonna crusade to legalize pot. It’s not important enough to me, but it is ridiculous. It should be legal. All that shit should be legal.

Continue reading “Sarah Silverman on Vape Pens, The Emmys, Drunks and Bush Water”

From Dot Matrix to ‘Fashion Police’: Why Joan Rivers Was the Best of Her Kind

It’s been two days since Joan Rivers passed away at the age of 81 after complications during surgery. After a week of crossing our fingers hoping that Joan might pull through, daughter and noted business partner, Melissa Rivers, was faced with the decision of taking her off life support.

A multitude of celebrities have shared an outpouring of supportive messages and stories about Joan, like Giuliana Rancic, who called her “The funniest woman” ever, adding that “She could put a smile on your face, instantly, no matter how hard your day was.”

So true, what better way to escape reality than listen to Joan Rivers insult people? I’m not being facetious, insult comedy is the best comedy. Anyone who says otherwise is Bill Cosby. And, not only was she a comedian, but an actress (who could forget her as the voice of the cockblocking robot Dot Matrix in Spaceballs?), an author and a Late Night host.

Joan was the female, television-version of Howard Stern, versatile as f*ck and completely unafraid to speak her mind and ask real questions. (A quality that almost got her blackballed from Hollywood.) I saw the most of Joan on E!’s Fashion Police, as a sanctioned truth-teller and critic of all things offensive to the eyes.  Continue reading “From Dot Matrix to ‘Fashion Police’: Why Joan Rivers Was the Best of Her Kind”

‘Life After Beth’ is Aubrey Plaza’s ‘Warm Bodies’

Aubrey Plaza zombie movieAs far as zombie comedies go, there’s Zombieland with its famed rules of escape, British zomedy Shaun of the Dead, Tucker & Dale vs. Evil, Planet Terror, Zack Snyder’s super gory Dawn of the Dead remake etc.

The latest, Life After Beth, has two parents (John C. Reilly and Molly Shannon) and a boyfriend (Dane DeHaan) dealing with the reality of their beloved (Aubrey Plaza) rising from the grave.

It’s essentially Warm Bodies with a gender reversal, only one zombie and a focus on the former human’s newfound appetite for flesh. Or Jennifer’s Body advertised properly, with queen of one-liners/Parks and Rec show-stealer as the dead girl.

In theaters August 15. Click HERE to watch the trailer.  Continue reading “‘Life After Beth’ is Aubrey Plaza’s ‘Warm Bodies’”

Driver Who Left Tracy Morgan and Ardie Fuqua in Critical Condition Identified, Charged

Tracy Morgan Performs At Seminole Casino Coconut CreekThe driver of a Walmart truck on the New Jersey Turnpike who rear-ended a limo bus full of comedians on Saturday is being held on 1 count of death by auto and 4 counts of assault by auto.

James McNair, 63, a known to some as “Jimmy Mack” or “Uncle Jimmy Mack” was pronounced dead in a wreck that involved 6 other vehicles, leaving Tracy Morgan, his opening act, Ardie Fuqua, and their tour manager in critical condition. Fellow opener Harris Stanton left the hospital and is home safe.

Kevin Roper, the man responsible for the accident’s bail has been set to $50,000 and faces 5 to 10 years in jail if recklessness – likely in the form of sleep deprivation – is proven.

I know everyone is praying very hard for Tracy Morgan, but I’d like to urge you all to direct equal attention to his lesser-known companions. Not much is known about their tour manager, but Fuqua has already lived through a serious tragedy.  Continue reading “Driver Who Left Tracy Morgan and Ardie Fuqua in Critical Condition Identified, Charged”

Amy Schumer is Blowing the F*ck Up

Amy Schumer has been all over the place lately. It wasn’t after I found out that the show she’d been gifted by Comedy Central, Inside Amy Schumer, had exceptionally good ratings, or when a story she told that seemed to only be about a drunken college encounter with a man who basically fell asleep with his head inside her vagina turned into a surprisingly empowering speech about self-worth made her a headline on every pop culture website, OR even when I heard that she had written a movie with the help of non-other than Judd Apatow that I realized how famous she’d become…

It took my brother uttering her name at an early Mother’s Day celebration dinner for me to finally understand exactly how gigantically popular and successful Amy Schumer is. I can’t even escape Schumer when I’m spending time with my Mom and brother, two of the most outdoorsy, least TV-watching people who have always cared more about dehydrating papayas and getting a good deal at Goodwill than celebrities.

Continue reading “Amy Schumer is Blowing the F*ck Up”

Emma Stone is the Nicki Minaj of Lip Syncing


Crazy adorable ginger (and only reason to ever step foot in a theater showing Amazing Spider-Man 2) Emma Stone decimated the competition over at The Tonight Show with her mouthed renditions of the equally challenging “Hook” by Blues Traveler and DJ Khaled’s “All I Do Is Win.”

Fallon’s dance moves didn’t stand a chance against Emma, whose lips and arms were moving so fast that audience members in the front row witnessed some of her freckles bouncing off her skin and into their laps.I never thought I’d see John Popper and Ludacris proud on the same day…

GQ Made Julia Louis-Dreyfus Bang a Clown

Julia Dreyfus clown sexFirst of all, I want to applaud Time magazine for trying to write a serious piece about Julia Louis-Dreyfus’ “lust-filled embrace” with a shirtless clown.

While they chose the title “Clown Sex and the Rise of Funny-Naked Women,” Gawker went with the much more straightforward and attention-grabbing “Julia Louis-Dreyfus F*cks a Clown For GQ.”

It’s not too hard to imagine Louis-Dreyfus agreeing to this, seeing as it was for the Comedy Issue, listing her as one of the “15 Funniest People Alive,” and this picture is definitely funny.

What’s almost better is the photo of the aftermath. #ClownBaby

Dreyfus is on a roll lately, also causing a bit of a controversy when she posed for an April cover of Rolling Stone with words from the US Constitution tattooed on her nude body.

5 Holiday Movies to Melt Your Cynical Heart

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Yay! Holidays are here and it’s time to tune out gluttonous relatives who only ever brag about their children’s non-existent achievements, buy things you can’t afford or keep for yourself, and eat food that will shave five years off your life and force you to buy elastic maternity pants that only come in embarrassing colors.

So, while you’re decorating the tree you killed in your stained turquoise pants, here are some festive movies to pass the time and make that black icicle in your chest go thump thump thump.

(Omitted National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation and A Christmas Story for obvious reasons.)

1. Scrooged. Before What About Bob? and Groundhog Day, there was Scrooged with Bill Murray in his curly-haired prime in the best (and only?) Christmas Carol movie aimed at drink-holding adults.

2. Love, Actually. This one’s not so much for cynics, but it’s still a billion edgy steps up from anything dredged up from Nicholas Sparks’ toilet. Aging sellout Billy Mack steals the show with his corny rendition of “Love Is All Around.” Oh, and all I want for Christmas is a naked Bilbo Baggins (you’ll see).

3. Mixed Nuts. Liev Schreiber in drag and pregnant Juliette Lewis bitching to the tune of Adam Sandler’s ukulele. Help me solve the mystery of why this movie was panned by the critics.

4. Home For The Holidays. Truly the perfect dysfunctional family Thanksgiving movie, this centers around a brother and sister (an understated Robert Downey Jr. and Holly Hunter), their mom and crazy aunt Gladys. Also, shaky-chinned Claire Danes and douchey Dylan McDermott. “LET’S EAT DEAD BIRD!”

5. Bad Santa. Sarcastic drunk mall Santa befriends overly optimistic fat kid. Hilarity ensues. ‘Nuff said.

Funny Video: Betty White Swings on a Wrecking Ball

You’ve seen a million Miley Cyrus “Wrecking Ball” parodies by now, but this one, featuring Golden Girl goddess Betty White, is rivaled only by the one with Nic Cage’s head pasted onto Miley’s naked body.

Hurry up and click to see Betty swing to and fro and brandish a sledgehammer in the name of her crazy Lifetime old folk prank show, Off Their Rockers.

Tina Fey Sells Two Original Series to NBC, Fox

tina fey gif mustacheAre you a Tina Fey fan? Of course you are, because Tina Fey is fucking hilarious.

So good news for everyone: the 30-Rock creator/star’s production company Little Stranger made two big sales this week, meaning we’ll be getting some more of that signature Tina Fey humor in the near future.

The first is a “Cheers-like comedy” that takes place on New York’s Fire Island and was picked up by NBC. The second, which was sold to Fox on Friday, is set around an all-women’s college that begins accepting men.

Fey likely won’t be on screen much, but the fact that she’s involved in the projects at all means they’ll likely be worth a watch. She’ll also be working with members of her 30 Rock team, including long time friend and 30 Rock co-executive producer Matt Hubbard.  Continue reading “Tina Fey Sells Two Original Series to NBC, Fox”

Funny Video: It’s Finally Ironic (Alanis Parody)

For years people have been giving Alanis Morissette shit for not understanding the definition of irony in her 1995 hit “Ironic,” and comedy duo/sisters Rachael and Eliza Hurwitz finally “fixed” the song.

It’s a black fly in your chardonnay that was specifically purchased to repel black flies…

Trailer: The To Do List

I’ve always been interested in the idea of a female American Pie or Last American Virgin, and it seems that has arrived in The To Do List, about an inexperienced high school graduate looking to pawn off her hymen.

In the red band trailer we see the cynical main character (Aubrey Plaza) attempting to catch the eye of a doofy blonde lifeguard (Scott Porter) who she hopes will practice rim jobs and shockers with her.

There’s also awkward Bill Hader and Rachel Bilson sex, written and directed by Hader’s wife, Maggie Carey.
Aubrey Plaza the to do list gifthe to do list rim job handjob gif aubrey plazathe to do list gif aubrey plaza jobs
The To Do List, co-starring Connie Britton, Christopher Mintz-Plasse, Clark Gregg, Alia Shawkat, Donald Glover, Sarah Steele and Andy Samberg, hits theaters July 26.

You’re Ridiculous For Thinking Joan Rivers Would Ever Apologize For Anything

Joan Rivers Oscar special 2013Almost nothing irks me more than celebrity apologies. There’s nothing less genuine and more weak than saying you’re sorry for something you meant to do or say. If any one profession is immune to the pressure of releasing cowardly statements through their frantic PR people, it’s comedians.

Here’s a recent joke about Heidi Klum that Joan Rivers has come under fire for after a special Oscars-edition airing of Fashion Police on Monday:

The last time a German looked this hot was when they were pushing Jews into the ovens.

Oh no! It’s not like the very funny, very Jewish Joan doesn’t make jokes like this every week. Her favorite topics include WWII, tampons, plastic surgery and obesity…  Continue reading “You’re Ridiculous For Thinking Joan Rivers Would Ever Apologize For Anything”

Funny Video: Celebrities Read Mean Tweets #3

Jimmy Kimmel released his third “Celebrities Read Mean Tweets” segment on Tuesday to commemorate the six-year anniversary of Twitter existing.

The first two featured recent guests like Justin Bieber, Anna Faris, Snooki, Kristen Stewart and Katy Perry reading grammatically questionable Tweets attacking their character, appearance, and/or career.

Continue reading “Funny Video: Celebrities Read Mean Tweets #3”

Kimmel on Leno: ‘He Was a Master Chef Who Opened a Burger King’

UnknownJimmel Kimmel just dropped a bomb on fellow talk show host Jay Leno.

“As a comedian, you can’t not have disdain for what he’s done. He totally sold out. He was a master chef who opened a Burger King,” he says in the latest issue of Rolling Stone.

Kimmel’s idol, Howard Stern, has been laying into Jay for years without more than a peep of acknowledgment, so it’s unlikely that docile-bag-of-farts Leno will respond to this recent dig.

Also in the mag, Jimmy presents interviewer Jonah Weiner with “a vacuum-sealed baggie bulging with buds the size of baby Brussels sprouts.”

“If we smoke weed right now,” he asks, “is that on the record? I don’t know if I want this in the story, my kids are gonna read this.”