Scientology Really Did Ruin Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes’ Marriage, In Case There Were Any Doubts

Katie holmes afraid of tomWhen Tom Cruise was asked in court if Scientology was “one of the reasons” Katie Holmes divorced him, he reportedly said “That was one of the assertions, yes.”

But, since he’s still a Scientologist and finds all lines of questioning that in any way paint Scientology in a bad light super offensive (just as I find religions that are under 60-years-old super offensive), he is also quoted as saying “there is no need to protect my daughter from my religion.”

And I guess that’s sort of true since there aren’t a lot of children’s book about the power of Xenu’s silver booty shorts and hypnotizing lazer eyes. Or are there?

I haven’t been to that Church in awhile. Last time I was there I took a gem off the wall and sold it for a mansion and a helicopter and I think I may replaced Katie as their number one target. #DangerZone

Amanda Bynes Thinks She’s a Mermaid, or a Rapper or a Rapper/Mermaid

Amanda Bynes green wig court First off, I’d like to congratulate Amanda Bynes on being consistently crazy for over a year since her very first DUI last spring. Lohan 2.0 is really holding her own.

Second, Mandy wore this awesomely stylish getup to court today. Greenish-blue wig, black sweatpants, sleeveless jersey and shades… It’s almost like the voices in her head don’t know they belong to a suburban white girl.

Pretty sure she wore this crap and dyed one of her old blonde wigs to unimpress the judge. Seeing that she’s, you know, pretending to be insane, according to someone else’s publicist.

The hair is kinda mermaid-y. It’s just that mermaids don’t have tattoos and they don’t actually have crabs, they just befriend them. Voices: tell her she’s a sailor, not a mermaid. The identity crisis is getting old.

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Chad Johnson’s Bromantic Butt Slap is no Big Deal

Chad Johnson lawyer butt slapWhat’s going on in the world of sports besides the NBA playoffs and Tebow possibly signing with the Patriots?

Well, Bengals cornerback Adam “Pacman” Jones punched a woman for throwing a drink at him, and free agent Chad Johnson got in trouble for slapping his male lawyer’s ass at a probation violation hearing.

Jones pleaded not guilty (even though TMZ has a surveillance video), and Johnson is currently trying to talk his way out of a 30 day jail sentence because he made the whole courtroom chuckle.

“I don’t know that you’re taking this whole thing seriously,” the honorable judge so-and-so said. “I just saw you slap your attorney on the backside. Is there something funny about what’s going on here today?” 

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There’s No Getting Around It – Oscar Pistorius Meant To Kill His Girlfriend

Oscar Pistorius cryingThere are still friends, family and devout fans of Oscar Pistorius who do not want to explore the possibility that the murder of his girlfriend was not an accident, but if the police and news reports are even remotely correct, there is simply no way that it was.

30-year-old FHM model Reeva Steenkamp was shot four times through a door in the hand and head. Reports suggest that a first bullet hit her in the hip while she was in the bedroom, and that she was later chased into the bathroom. Even if she wasn’t attacked before entering the bathroom, there is little to no chance that Pistorius mistook her for an intruder.

Most people scream (or make recognizable noises of some sort) when their life is in danger…

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Stories I’m Too Lazy To Write About [2-7-13]

Chris Brown Rihanna courtRihanna stands by her abusive, obnoxious man. Goes to court with Chris Brown. (Daily Mail)

She also ruined Selena Gomez‘s relationship by sleeping with young Justin Bieber… (Jezebel)

Yoda, Jabba and Chewbacca makeup artist Stuart Freeborn dead at 98. (Huffington Post)

Oxygen’s latest modeling show has Naomi Campbell saying “You are not the face!” (Gawker)

John Travolta sex lawsuit dropped, probably never groped anyone on a cruise ship. (Evil Beet)

Ex-cop/LL Cool J lookalike wanted for shooting and killing three people in Los Angeles. (CBS)

New couple/sleepover alert: Adam Brody and Leighton Meester. Blair & Seth forever. (Us Weekly)

‘The Beach’ May Be The Ugliest Basketball Court Ever

There are a lot of hideous basketball courts and football fields out there. Sometimes, colleges get a certain amount of attention for these things.

Boise’s smurf turf, Eastern Washington’s lava red field, University of Oregon and their “deep in the woods” theme. The latest is Long Beach State’s aptly-named “beach” court, with its yellow palm trees.

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James Holmes, Spacing Out In Court

It’s really amazing how websites like News Track India are now calling James Holmes “a deeply disturbed individual.”

You didn’t realize it after you heard about the 71 victims? I mean what details did you need to come to that conclusion besides the bare bones of the story?  He had guns and tear gas. He killed people. Of course he’s disturbed.

On top the obvious – calling himself “The Joker” and reportedly spitting all over his solitary confinement cell – you can see it in his face during his first court appearance.  Continue reading “James Holmes, Spacing Out In Court”

Lindsay Lohan Looks Like Your Dead Grandmother

Lindsay’s had a tough week, first her nude Playboy pictures were leaked, then she lost her purse in Hawaii and the remaining $10 dollars of her career earnings were stolen from it. Then she missed her plane back to Los Angeles.

Oh AND she was supposed to go on Ellen, to debut her naked body, you know the one we’ve already seen in Machete and I Know Who Killed Me? But that was axed for obvious reasons.

Surprisingly, after all this turmoil, she managed to make it on time to court on December 14th and the judge was like, hey you’re doing an okay job. Actually she said “You’re doing well, I’d like to see it continue,” but whatever, I paraphrased. That isn’t even the issue, my problem is the way she looks in this outfit.

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Lindsay Forced To Do Morgue Work, Turns Into Court Corpse

After being kicked out of doing community service at a women’s shelter for being late and putting in little to no effort, Lindsay Lohan has been reassigned to work at the L.A. County Morgue. (Because corpses don’t talk back?)

You will all be delighted to know that Miss Lohan will be cleaning tables where autopsies have occurred, which is obviously much worse than ANY job we can imagine because she will be exposed to all sorts of sad non-alcoholic fluids, like congealed blood and (I hope) oozing fecal matter…

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