Stories I’m Too Lazy To Write About [12-13-13]

stodden brunetteCourtney Stodden brown hair 2013
Courtney Stodden has brown hair, looks older and more porn-y than usual. (Daily Mail)

Internet goes crazy over 60-year-old girl meme. Tea and arthritis for all. (Grouchy Muffin)

Scientists in Antarctica discover most nipple-chilling place on earth at -136 degrees. (io9)

Mike Tyson’s “mistress” sends batsh*t crazy emails to his wife on a weekly basis. (TMZ)

Fox News lady wants you to know that Jesus and Santa are both white, like her. (Uproxx)

Edge of Tomorrow w/ Emily Blunt unlikely to break Tom Cruise’s crap film streak.  (Deadline)

This guy playing super popular songs of 2013 in 1:00 minute is my new hero. (Gizmodo)

Waxwork Figure Breaks Up With Vampire

Courtney Stodden church clevage
Courtney Stodden, the young Playboy playmate that never was, has confirmed her separation from her actor husband Doug Hutchison, who she married when was just 16.

Stodden, 19, and Hutchinson, 53, say they remain “best friends” and will still share custody of their dog, Dourtney, despite moving on. From Us Weekly:

After two and a half years of marriage, Courtney and Doug have decided to become legally separated,” Stodden, 19, and Hutchison, 53, said in a statement to the Daily Mail on Tuesday, Nov. 5. “Courtney was married at a young age. Now, at nineteen, she’s interested in exploring life as an unmarried single young adult — with the freedom to explore her independence.”  Continue reading “Waxwork Figure Breaks Up With Vampire”

The Face Courtney Stodden Made After Her Boob Job: Priceless

Courtney Stodden wheelchair Courtney Stodden had her first ever cosmetic surgery over the weekend. (“First ever” is harder to type than “Justin Bieber doesn’t deserve to be thrown into an active volcano.”)

On the way out of the hospital following a procedure to expand her breasts and make her look more void of substance than hatchery-born salmon, 18-year-old Stodden finally looked her age.

It’s as if Doug Hutchison’s sole beneficiary had her teddy bear stolen. Or maybe she’s making that face because she finally got to take a break from tugging and slobbering on 53-year-old balls.

Speaking of balls, I have a few dick jokes I like to pester assholes who tell me to make them sandwiches on Xbox Live with. Mind if I test some of them out on you?  Continue reading “The Face Courtney Stodden Made After Her Boob Job: Priceless”

Courtney Stodden Keeps Telling Everyone About Her ‘Personal’ Sex Tape

Courtney Stodden plasticCourtney Stodden must have felt a tiny pang of jealousy when she caught wind of the penguin exhibit at the zoo, also known as Farrah Abraham, because she’s now exclusively telling E! that she too has a sex tape. A “personal” tape of just her, solo, that no one will ever see because she’s not planning to release it or let hackers find it. “I don’t want to put any images in people’s mind; I’m gonna leave it up to you guys to think what you want,” she said.

This shocking outpour of modesty from the woman who consistently wears dresses smaller than Doug Hutchison’s bandanas has to do with her wanting to be better than Farrah Abraham and her self-released porn.

The sex tape her (and her creepy mom) keep talking about is not being shopped around to Vivid at this current moment in time because she still thinks she has a better career than some desperate Teen Mom.

Continue reading “Courtney Stodden Keeps Telling Everyone About Her ‘Personal’ Sex Tape”

Courtney Stodden Takes Auto-Tune All The Way in ‘Reality’

Courtney Stodden Reality still In the new music video for her first official single “Reality,” Courtney Stodden makes out with a James Spader knockoff and hires Lady Gaga’s egg guys to carry her around like a dead Egyptian queen during a burial ceremony.

The whole project was likely funded using money Courtney found under her husband‘s do-rag. But how much can it really cost to turn up the auto-tune to a screechy 10 every time she says “Control” while writhing around on a pile of half-chewed lollipops?

I’m thinking she paid off the entire cast and crew with porta potty sex, all the while lecturing them about her lack of plastic surgery. “I’m as natural as a Ball Park hotdog,” she’d say.  Continue reading “Courtney Stodden Takes Auto-Tune All The Way in ‘Reality’”

Courtney Stodden Covers Her Christmas Goodies With Synthetic Snow

Courtney Stodden santaI’m not sure what I did for holidays before Courtney Stodden came along. The woman who somehow manages to be ten thousand times less talented than Snooki, Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian, puts the “f” in fun (and other words) and doesn’t discriminate.

Halloween, Christmas, Thanksgiving, 52-year-olds – all fair game.

Stodden is like Taylor Momsen in that she never let being underage get in the way of her sexualized antics. Now that she’s 18, she shows no signs of slowing down the antics (or visits to McNamara/Troy).

She explained to E! that her latest photo shoot, which earned her the Daily Mail headline “She’ll give Santa a heart attack,” was designed to “spread Christmas cheer.”

Continue reading “Courtney Stodden Covers Her Christmas Goodies With Synthetic Snow”

Move Over Courtney Stodden, 12 Year-old Model Dates 24 Year-old Pop Star

Since walking brain hemorrhage Courtney Stodden has turned 18, her TMZ days are numbered to porn offers. It’s time for some fresh lean cut media meat. Canadian model and singer, 12-year-old Akama Miki born to a Japanese mother and Chinese-German father made her relationship public with 24-year old singer Zhang Muyi.

Their “love” was posted on her Chinese Weibo account ( China’s version of Weibo). Her posts say stuff like, “Wait until I’m old enough to marry you, then I’m going to say ‘ I do'”. For the record, I’ve lived in China and that shit is not normal.

The message was responded with Muyi’s response, ” I’m going to be with you as you grow, I’ll always wait for you.”  Continue reading “Move Over Courtney Stodden, 12 Year-old Model Dates 24 Year-old Pop Star”

Courtney Stodden Turns 18, Receives Expected Porn Offers

Hipsters are always complaining that Kim Kardashian, Snooki, and Paris Hilton are famous for doing nothing.

Being a strong advocate for the weak, I must say that Paris has proven herself a shrewd Diddy-style businesswoman, Kim owns and operates D-A-S-H boutique with her sisters, and Snooki is the most successful person from one of the highest-rated cable television shows of all time.

Then there’s Courtney Stodden, who is actually famous for no reason, unless you count marrying a 50-year-old actor (Lost/The Green Mile‘s Doug Hutchison) at age 16.

Despite looking like she’s a mere handful of years younger than Hutchison, Stodden recently turned 18 and has already received multiple offers to do porn.  Continue reading “Courtney Stodden Turns 18, Receives Expected Porn Offers”

Courtney Stodden’s Reasons To Not Get Plastic Surgery

I really don’t know who Courtney Stodden is. After reading about her, I think she’s famous for being young (17) and marrying some gross old actor dude from Lost and The Green Mile. (51 year-old Doug Hutchison)

Apparently they were dating when she was 16 years-old. Which is horrible and I thought, illegal? But umm, besides that, she’s clearly had a massive wad of plastic surgery…

Continue reading “Courtney Stodden’s Reasons To Not Get Plastic Surgery”