How to Become One of America’s Least Favorite Actors in Just a Few Weeks, By James Franco

James Franco averageAre you suddenly finding yourself randomly irked and annoyed by James Franco, or am I the only one dumbfounded by the shameful feeling of not “getting” Spring Breakers? Oh, you too? Let’s join hands and vent in unison.

No one can deny that Franco, in his 35 years, has had an impressive career. Since his big break as greasy stoner (the person we all believe him to be in real life) Daniel Desario on Judd Apatow’s comedy goldmine (and NBC’s nightmare) Freaks and Geeks at age 21, he’s kissed Sean Penn, done the five knuckle shuffle while bleeding on a canyon wall, entangled naked Disney stars in his cornrow web of pimped-out lies and terrorized both Spider-Man and the wicked witches of Oz. His greatest triumph of all might be still managing to get work after bombing harder than a grandpa at Okinawa at the 2011 Oscars.

That’s not all. James – who doesn’t seem to have much going on in the motor skills department – often teaches filmmaking classes in both California and New York and still finds the time to write blog posts for the Huffington Post. In a recent post, he copies and pastes a poem he’s written.

The actor that fucks a goat in my film
Was home-schooled because his parents didn’t
Want him to be subjected to drugs, guns and violence.
“And blacks,” I think.
Indian River, the school is called.
Tyrone is his name, a handsome, dumb-faced kid.
There were baby goats; they ran around their pen on stiff, stumpy legs.

James Franco wants us to think he’s a lot smarter than he is. James Franco thinks he’s a lot smarter than James Franco, but James Franco isn’t a secret genius, he’s like every other actor and actress. He needs the fame and the spotlight, but he resents needing it and therefore resents himself, and instead of just taking up golf or buying a motorcycle, he writes goat-fucking poems. I want to reach out and pet him and say, “It’s okay, James. You’re not the only one suffering.”  Continue reading “How to Become One of America’s Least Favorite Actors in Just a Few Weeks, By James Franco”

Stories I’m Too Lazy To Write About [10-19-12]

Mitt Romney’s sons are all creepy, but Josh is the absolute creepiest. (Gawker)

Look everyone, Emma Stone with no makeup: still stunning. (Popoholic)

Oprah gets Fergie to vaguely discuss Josh Duhamel infidelity. (ohmyGAHH!)

Honey Boo Boo’s Uncle Poodle delivers touching message for GLAAD. (TMZ)

Kimberly Buffington is divorcing Dennis Quaid again. (NY Daily News)

Los Angeles Lakers eying LeBron James for 2014, after Kobe retires. (ESPN)

Robert Pattinson kissing Kristen Stewart behind a bush, confirming everything. (Evil Beet)

The most dangerous city in the United States of America is never not Detroit. (Forbes)

PETA Calls Out Lady Gaga’s Fur And Rihanna’s Snakeskin

If there’s one organization that goes about everything the wrong way, it’s PETA.

The People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals sometimes seem more interested in drawing attention to themselves and pointing fingers at celebrities than helping the wild, feathered and furred.

PETA’s latest beef (or tofu) is with the snakeskin boots Rihanna wore last week, and Lady Gaga‘s closet full of fur coats. The extremists called the two pop stars “freaks.”

“Wearing reptile skin is creepy and callous, and it makes her look even more out of touch. She and Lady Gaga seem so desperate to be freaks instead of recognized for their talents that you have to wonder if they realize that they are being laughed at,” PETA told the Daily Express.  Continue reading “PETA Calls Out Lady Gaga’s Fur And Rihanna’s Snakeskin”

Five Creepy ‘American Horror Story’ Promos

Now that we know sparse details about Ryan Murphy’s second season of American Horror Storythere are also five 10 to 20 second promos. They will ultimately get the fans excited, but have little to do with the show.

Personally, I’m more interested to see if Ryan Murphy and Brad Falchuk can get away with changing the location from a haunted California mansion to an insane asylum on the East Coast.

Jessica Lange’s new role as an administrator of the institution could also make the show.

Horror Story resonates for people because it is wildly unique, despite its many flaws. Murphy put television in a vice with FX’s Nip/Tuck, Glee (who knew a 45 minute musical could get ratings), and now this.  Continue reading “Five Creepy ‘American Horror Story’ Promos”

The Creepiest Band Of 2012, Die Antwoord

The Die Antwoord (translation: “the answer”) music video for “I Fink U Freeky” dropped January 31. It is the song most recognizably tied to the South African trio’s second album, Ten$Ion. The band was also featured in a spread within the latest Rolling Stone plus appeared on Letterman day before yesterday.

They are the most eccentric and eerie band that I’ve ever seen on mainstream television. Their co-singer is a little girl called Yo-Landi Vi$$e (who’s actually 35) with a high-pitched voice, black contacts and contrasting white-blonde Robynesque hair.

Continue reading “The Creepiest Band Of 2012, Die Antwoord”

Who Is Creepier, Denise Richards Or Her Unibrow Baby?

Yesterday Denise Richards, 40, Tweeted a picture of her with her new baby, Eloise, accompanied by the words “good morning,” and I must say it terrifies me.

I’m not saying Denise Richards or her baby are ugly (okay maybe it is, but that’s temporary) I am saying that this photo in particular is very bizarre.

You know what else is terrifying? Denise Richards has three daughters now, and still isn’t done poppin’ ’em out like a rusty Jurassic Park log ride…

Continue reading “Who Is Creepier, Denise Richards Or Her Unibrow Baby?”

No More Creepy Burger King Commercials

Now that Burger King is attempting to trick people into thinking their menu is “healthy” by introducing more salads and wraps and other items that taste no different from the cardboard they come encased in, they are getting rid of their memorable mascot and his eerie commercials!

The creepy Burger King king in the big furry pimp coat and gold chain is no more! For now at least.

The company cites the change in their menu and advertising, to USA Today, as a lean towards targeting moms instead of teens. Hmmmm.

This Monday a new item, the California Whopper will be available at all locations. The hamburger was previously only attainable in four states and three Scandinavian countries. Supposedly the California Whopper is chalk-full of guacamole and the usual genetic mutations of fast-food vegetables.

Alex Macedo, Burger King’s senior marketing VP, said there are “no plans to bring the King back anytime soon.”

Continue reading “No More Creepy Burger King Commercials”