Emma Watson and Prince Harry Aren’t a Thing

Hermione mud bloodSo you heard that Emma Watson and Prince Harry are an item, yes? Well, they’re not. Firstly, Watson is a classy young broad who I’d like to believe has much better taste than that, and second, she said so on Twitter (sort of).

But then again, I wanted to believe that Hermione Granger wouldn’t fall for a certain sweet-yet-clueless ginger with a knack for being dead weight when people are busy trying their hardest to destroy Voldemort. Lesson: anyone lacking the last name “Potter” or “Radcliffe” is a bad choice for her.

Here’s what Watson had to say on social media about not dating a full-blood prince:

The “exclusive” story from Women’s Day Australia detailed a tryst that thrived on “secret dates” and the fact that Harry is “smitten” for more than just “Emma’s looks,” and is instead after her soul because he doesn’t have one.  Continue reading “Emma Watson and Prince Harry Aren’t a Thing”

Quentin Tarantino Gives Hope to Friendzoned Men Everywhere

Uma and Quentin romanticUma Thurman aka Mia Wallace aka Beatrix Kiddo let Quentin Tarantino out of the friendzone and into her box. Us Weekly is reporting that, after 20 years of advances (and ending her engagement to Arki Busson), Uma finally let Quentin suck on her toes.

Great, now Woody Allen will really never give up on bagging Scarlett Johansson. Smiles for all men who never thought they had a shot and frowns for the women who have painstakingly rejected their advances. My heart goes out to the Khaleesi and Jorah Mormont… And Duckie.

Uma’s probably sick of liking dudes who don’t like her back equally, and figures she could do a lot worse than a brilliant freak director who she loves as a friend.  Continue reading “Quentin Tarantino Gives Hope to Friendzoned Men Everywhere”

Andy Cohen: Sean Avery and I are Platonic Friends!

Sean Avery Andy Cohen instagramThere’s a really amazing[ly hard-to-believe] story that Bravo VP Andy Cohen is dating Elisha Cuthbert’s ex-boyfriend, former New York Ranger Sean Avery.

They are rumored to be secretly engaged after two-and-a-half years of dating, but Cohen insists they are strictly friends without benefits.

“Dude, Sean Avery is straight. Do you understand that? A gay guy and a straight guy should be able to be friends without you asking me if we’re engaged,” he told a paparazzi.

I think the only fucking they’re doing is with the media. In a never-ending game of hash tag, you’re it, Cohen’s response to relationship questions from fans on Twitter is “ask @imseanavery.”

The “I’d be happy if Sean and I were banging” thing also isn’t exactly clear evidence to the contrary…

 

Things Are Heating Up Between Lindsay Lohan and Max George, Or She’s Stalking Him Harder

Lindsay Lohan Max George instagramI wasn’t even aware that Lindsay Lohan and The Wanted’s Max George were a real item.

Apparently I’m still living on last year’s news, when Lindsay was peering from behind trees and garbage cans outside The Wanted’s tour bus in hopes of catching a glimpse of him, or taking photos she could later hire someone to edit her face and body into.

I’m also blindly hoping there’s a Goldschlager’s flake of dignity left in her. She did, after all, reportedly turn down $550,000 to fall on her sequined ass on Dancing With The Stars. Girl needs the money so I’m not sure if that’s dignity or stupidity.

You say “tomato” I say DON’T DATE GUYS WHO REFER TO YOU AS “A GROUPIE.”   Continue reading “Things Are Heating Up Between Lindsay Lohan and Max George, Or She’s Stalking Him Harder”

Simon Cowell’s Money Buys Playboy Playmate – ‘The X Factor’ Judge Confirms Romance With Carmen Electra

Simon Cowell Carmen Electra datingSimon Cowell and Carmen Electra have been rumored lovers since they were photographed on a dinner date in September, and last week on Ryan Seacrest’s radio show Cowell said they are dating, but not exclusively.

She’s not my girlfriend,” Simon explained. “We’re people who date. She’s adorable, isn’t she?”

Electra supposedly sat in The X Factor audience and was showered with kisses between every commercial break and also used the word “adorable” to describe Simon (along with “cute,” “cool,” and “sweetheart”) in November.

Continue reading “Simon Cowell’s Money Buys Playboy Playmate – ‘The X Factor’ Judge Confirms Romance With Carmen Electra”

Ashley Greene For British GQ, December 2012

Breaking Dawn star Ashley Greene covers British GQ‘s December issue (on newsstands November 1) with the subtitle “Ashley Greene wants to be a BIG movie star. Have you got a problem with that?”

I wasn’t aware there was a riot parade of people protesting Ashley Greene’s fame.

She hasn’t been in many movies besides Twilight. Recently LOL (3.4 rating on IMDb), The Apparition (4.2) and the upcoming film CBGB, by the director of Houseguest.

I’m not saying she can’t act or won’t be a big star outside of Stephenie Meyer stuff.

Many actresses end up in flops before that one big [credible] project comes along and shoots them out of the straight-to-DVD abyss. I can see her being somewhere in Rachel McAdams. Romantic comedies might work. Here are some dating-related interview highlights: Continue reading “Ashley Greene For British GQ, December 2012”

Conor Kennedy and Taylor Swift (July, 2012 – September, 2012)

Taylor Swift is no longer eating pizza, boning and sailing with a teenage Kennedy.

A source revealed that Swifty and her child bride Conor “parted ways a while ago.”

“It’s been over a month since they’ve even seen each other,” a really unhelpful friend of Swift’s told Us Weekly.

“With her promotion for Red, she has no time off until the end of the year.”

“It was just a distance thing. No hard feelings. They’re fine.” 

Then the friend crossed her arms, pulled out a pink switchblade and yelled, “They are never ever getting back together!”

Cutest Celebrity Couples, Past And Present

This slideshow requires JavaScript.

 Let me be candid. I hate the word “cute.” It’s just that some things do fit that description. Month-old armadillos, that Indonesian baby who smokes, midgets in golf attire, and certain celebrity couples.

Don’t try and tell me you don’t miss reading about Brad and Jennifer in People magazine, or that your ovaries are unaffected when you stumble upon Britney and Justin pictures on Tumblr.  Continue reading “Cutest Celebrity Couples, Past And Present”

Lonely Bug-Eyed Pop Singer Seeks Rebound Vampire Friend For The End Of The World

The Sun is reporting (via multiple dreaded unnamed sources) that Robert Pattinson went out to dinner at Los Angeles hotspot Soho House with longtime friend Katy Perry, who is recently divorced and no longer seeing John o-face Mayer.

Perry’s glazed-over doll corneas and Pattinson’s heartbroken emo tears may equal true… lust, and much-needed (albeit weepy) companionship.

I’m pretty Aladeen positive that the person The Sun is getting their information from is either Beavis or Butthead. Katy’s twirling her hair and he’s suddenly over Kristen Stewart, memorized by her ample gingerbread bosom?  Continue reading “Lonely Bug-Eyed Pop Singer Seeks Rebound Vampire Friend For The End Of The World”

Tyra ‘Booty-Tooch’ Banks Is Having Way Too Much Fun With Rob Evans

William Blake once said that there is no creature more terrifying than a smizing cougar burning bright in the forests of the night. You and I both know Blake was referring to Tyra Banks.

Many suspect that 38-year-old Banks – former supermodel, current whipped-cream addict and transgendered lost boy – is dating much younger America’s Next Top Model judge and ex-boxer/model Rob Evans.

Last week, Tyra told Jimmy Fallon that things with 24-year-old Rob are strictly business.

However, when she talks about him she giggles like a 15-year-old girl and compliments the crap out of him, repeatedly calling Fallon by his first name as if she were being grounded by mama five-head.

Continue reading “Tyra ‘Booty-Tooch’ Banks Is Having Way Too Much Fun With Rob Evans”

Canadian leftovers: Chad Kroeger to wed Avril Lavigne

Former cockerspaniel and Nickelback frontman Chad Kroeger 37, proposed to Brody Jenner-banger Avril Lavigne, 27. The two have been quietly dating for six months and Lavigne’s people broke the news to old person-gossip bible, People magazine.

The pair got together in February this year to co-write a song for Lavigne’s fifth studio album.

This odd match comes as a shock to most Canadians due to the similarities between the two artists: both Nickelback and Avril Lavigne enjoyed years of early success with strings of number one irritating singles like “This is how your remind me” and “Sk8er boy”. That is until Canadians sobered up from their potent home brew and realized their music was terrible, but they continued success inside and outside of Canada with Avril touring in Asia this year.  Continue reading “Canadian leftovers: Chad Kroeger to wed Avril Lavigne”

Katy Perry And John Mayer, The Latest ‘Couple’ Revealed To The Public In A Car

Has anyone seen Death Note? It’s this anime show about a kid who gets a magic notebook. When he writes a name in the book, that person dies, but he has to have seen the person’s face in order for it to work.

John Mayer must have a similar book for women he wants to date. Jots down Jennifer Love Hewitt, Jessica Simpson, Taylor Swift, Jennifer Aniston, Katy Perry, and poof – they fall out of the sky into the sunroof of his car and are instantly in love with him.

The paparazzi have a longstanding relationship with celebrities in cars.

Continue reading “Katy Perry And John Mayer, The Latest ‘Couple’ Revealed To The Public In A Car”

Taylor Swift’s G-Rated Date With A Kennedy

Taylor Swift has either suddenly become really good friends with Robert Jr.’s son Conor Kennedy, or they’re dating. They spent the entire weekend in Hyannis Port, Massachusetts and were photographed eating pizza together, laughing, and holding hands.

Sorry for the Disney-friendly nature of this story. I know you were expecting more news about Kristen Stewart banging old guys in Mini Coopers, but you’re out of luck. Taylor Swift drinking Coca-Cola on the beach with a Kennedy will have to suffice.

And what do we know about Conor Richardson besides that he’s the equivalent of American royalty? Well, the kid is 18 (looks 16), has curly hair, wears Hawaiian shorts and is cousin to Patrick Schwarzenegger, who Swift was linked to in early July. Continue reading “Taylor Swift’s G-Rated Date With A Kennedy”

Zoe Kravitz & Penn Badgley Are The Cutest Couple Ever

I don’t normally think twice about celebrity couples. They’re either a figment of the media’s imagination or bound to break up in under six months. But, my heart was warmed when I heard that Zoe Kravitz and Penn Badgley got together back in October.

He’s weirdly irresistible (surprisingly so, for a Gossip Girl cast member) with his uncaring Bohemian Occupy-whatever ways and Emma Stone love interest cred in Easy A.

And her, well, she’s Lenny Kravitz and Lisa Bonet’s daughter, which automatically makes her cool. And she decided to surprise dad and lean towards acting, with keen career choices like Californication and that devilish spitbug in X Men: First Class.

Continue reading “Zoe Kravitz & Penn Badgley Are The Cutest Couple Ever”

Meet Hot Cow-Fondlers On FarmersOnly.com

There are all sorts of dating sites – ones for people who met on a plane, dudes nude, “discreet” encounters for married people at Ashley Madison, and then there’s Farmers Only.

Farmers Only has nothing to do with State Farm insurance, as I would have thought.

Instead, it’s a place for singles to mingle with Yosemite Sam and Yosemite Sally types.

The website advertises “good old fashioned values” and says that we city folk aren’t down to earth and “just don’t get it.” There’s even a list of success stories called “The Barnyard Buzz…”

“Met Janet on your site and we hit it off rite away and were making plans. She likes the farm and the animals,” Says Jim.  Continue reading “Meet Hot Cow-Fondlers On FarmersOnly.com”

Mila Kunis For Elle UK, August 2012

Mila Kunis, fresh off her box-office talking-teddybear win of $54.1 million, appears on Elle UK’s August cover in Dior. She’s making that face, you know the one. It’s like, ‘Are you looking at me? If you are, that’s okay but if you move I’ll scratch your skin off with a rusty rake.’

People claim she’s talking about her relationship with Ashton Kutcher in the interview when she says it would be impossible to date anyone.

“I’m trying to be like a normal girl and a single girl but the concept of being single in my position isn’t workable. I couldn’t go on a date if I wanted to!”

“Is a guy going to come up to me and ask if he can take me out on a date? Where can I go and have this date? I can’t go anywhere.”

Continue reading “Mila Kunis For Elle UK, August 2012”