Eminem’s Daughter is the Homecoming Queen

Eminem daughter prom queen Hailie Scott, the daughter Eminem constantly mentions in songs and interviews in a loving manner, was crowned homecoming queen last Friday in front of her Chippewa Valley High School classmates and her mother Kim, the one he wanted to choke and poison.

Em was in attendance in the way way back of the crowd so as not to cause a ruckus.

From the Huffington Post:

Hailie came out with her mother Kim (Scott) when she was introduced with all the other kids but her father watched from inside the school because he didn’t want to cause a scene — he wanted Hailie to have her own moment,” a parent told the Macomb Daily. 

She looks so much like her mom and almost nothing like him, I wonder if she has his personality and is the white Nicki Minaj. CLICK HERE for a picture of her and her date

North West Has Kim’s Eyes and Kanye’s Look of Disgust

first image of northwest kris Kanye West revealed the first straight-on photo of his daughter, North West. No offense whatsoever, but the kid is really living up that androgynous male name. Babies are genderless to me anyway. And by genderless I mean invisible. And by invisible I mean I want one but I’d ruin its life. You know what they say though, worrying about being a good parent already makes you better than 80% of thoughtless, child-bearing MTV and government check-loving mofos.

This particular child, with its empty eyes and holier-than-thou air balance of ma and pa, made its debut on Kris Jenner’s talk show.

I wonder if Kim and Kanye are on the “troublesome bitch” list at the hospital. You know for me to be on that list I just have to be late, but for them it’s probably a bunch of crazy demands like pillows made from nearly extinct ostriches spliced with Kourtney’s placenta.

Alright, Alright, Jessica Simpson’s Baby Maxwell So-And-So is Pretty Cute

Maxwell simpson hairI always wonder if I should make this website all about me and just kind of disguised as a gossip site, or all about celebrities with no mention of my life, or some kind of balance?

Anyway, I apologize for my absence. A lot of bad things are happening to the people I love and I find it very hard to focus on being funny or commenting on the lives of those who can afford good health care and endless plane tickets to Ibiza.

What does this have to do with a photo of Jessica Simpson’s 15-month-old daughter Maxwell? Nothing. Just that she will never have to hear the word “no” because she’s adorable and wealthy with a Nordic, Hitler-approved face.

Shiloh and Suri beware, you’ve got competition.

How Channing Tatum Snubbed The Press With a Single Facebook Photo

channing tatum jenna dewan baby picI get slightly confused when people say Channing Tatum is smart.

I mean, smarts don’t really matter much when you’re that handsome and charismatic, I’m just saying that when the zombie apocalypse comes and the undead come looking for brains they may just pass him up. 

Regardless, the director of White House Down said he wouldn’t have cast Tatum if he hadn’t been so nice and “super smart” and poke-a-hole-in-the-condom worthy.

Beautiful brainless people do have their moments. Kim Kardashian had hers with the whole baby photo switcheroo and Charming Potato and his wife Jenna Dewan had a similar, f*ck those people moment involving their newborn…

Instead of selling their tater tot’s smashed skin fold pug face (I’m speaking generally here) to Us Weekly or People for a fat paycheck, the Potato family decided to simply put a photo of Everly Tatum on Facebook.

Continue reading “How Channing Tatum Snubbed The Press With a Single Facebook Photo”

Justin Bieber Made a Half-Canadian, Half-Euro Baby in 2010

Justin Bieber Eiffel TowerJustin Bieber has a new baby mama, except this one is better/more scandalous because she’s older, from a different country and claims Justin was 15 (instead of 16) when she slept with him. Like baby mama #1, Mariah Yeater, the new woman makes Justin out be the predator even though the state he supposedly diddled her in has pretty strict statutory rape laws.

The 25-year-old European floozy says she met JB in Miami Beach, FL in 2010 during his My World tour. The night allegedly began with sexy Mozzarella Sticks at TGI Friday’s and ended with some rawdogging at at The Perry South Beach Hotel (formerly known as the Gansevoort).

Here she is, two and a half years later, sitting with her screaming toddler daughter seeking fame and fortune (which confuses me, because she refuses to identify herself).  Continue reading “Justin Bieber Made a Half-Canadian, Half-Euro Baby in 2010”

Mother/Daughter Porn Team Seeking Father/Son to Tag Team

Monica and Jessica porn teamTwenty-two years ago, Jessica [insert-real-last-name-here] gave birth to Monica [insert-same-last-name-here], who ended up venturing into porn once she was of-age.

Monica, under the fresh new last name “Sexxxton,” re-defined Bring Your Mother to Work Day when she suggested that 50-something Jessica try it out. But not separately, because they wanted to spend quality time becoming “filthy rich,” so they made adult films together, and 100% legally according to Florida’s state incest laws, as the first and only real mother and daughter porn duo.

Gross beyond comprehension. Anyway, these two freaks are looking to amp it up a notch. After tag teaming many non-related men, Jessica and Monica are scouring the nation for a likeminded pair.

“It’s something we’ve considered for a while,” Jessica told HuffPost, on videotaping a session of her and her mom with an equally gonzo father and son. “We once dated brothers in real life on and off for a couple of years. They were closer to [Monica’s] age, but we haven’t done a father and son in real life or on camera.”

Continue reading “Mother/Daughter Porn Team Seeking Father/Son to Tag Team”

Aja Volkman and Dan Reynolds: Best Rock ‘n’ Roll Couple Ever?

Aja Volkman dan reynolds Rising rock band Nico Vega have been busy touring in support of their new EP, Fury Oh Fury. In the past few months they’ve entered the iTunes Alternative Charts with “Beast,” partially in thanks to its use in the BioShock Infinite and Jack Reacher trailers.

“Many thanks to Imagine Dragons and Atlas Genius for an enormously epic tour. Feels like camp is over,” Nico Vega frontwoman Aja Volkman wrote on her band’s Facebook page along with a photo of her, her husband (Imagine Dragons’ singer Dan Reynolds), and their 7-month-old daughter Arrow.

The image of snarling, baby-holding Reynolds next to tilted, faux-screaming Volkman in leather pants is just sweet enough to make them one of the cutest, healthiest rock ‘n’ roll couple in existence.

Gisele Doesn’t Know How to Hold a Baby

Gisele holding her baby Each person has their own special brand of bad parenting. Some beat their kids with broom handles while others impose their own neurosis, religious views and political stances on them. My child, for instance, would be anxious and bitter with a strict diet of Haribo raspberries and Taco Bell cheese.

Gisele Bundchen’s Bad Parenting 101 involves holding her daughter like she’s a sack of useless turnips or soon-to-be drowned cats.

With a mother who cares that little, Tom Brady’s offspring is sure to become a stripper before age 21.

Continue reading “Gisele Doesn’t Know How to Hold a Baby”

Vivienne Jolie-Pitt Earning $3,000 a Week For Disney’s ‘Maleficent’ Reboot

Vivienne Jolie PittI always knew that if I was going to have children, I’d have a whole Bekins truck full of ’em. At least enough to cover the offense and defense lines of the Edmonton Oilers or conduct in a band like The Jackson 5 or Selena y Los Dinos.

Spider-hand broodmother Angelina Jolie is no dummy either. After four long years of prestigious drama courses at Juliard, Vivienne Jolie-Pitt, born in 2008 as one-half of the most expensive twins in history, is ready for her acting debut.

The blonde, younger sister of Shiloh is set to star in Maleficent alongside Angelina, Elle Fanning, and Juno Temple. Siblings Pax and Zahara have been cast in smaller roles, with paychecks never exceeding Vivienne’s reported $3,000 per week.

Mother-Daughter Porn Team Monica & Jessica Sexxton Give Morality Lessons

Monica and Jessica Sexton Howard Stern Porn stars Monica Sexxxton and Jessica Sexxxton are like any other adult entertainment workers who have starred in over 40 films, except that they’re a mother and daughter tag team.

On Wednesday, the duo appeared on Howard Stern’s radio show to talk about what they are and are not willing to do and why.

The daughter, Monica, seems genuinely disturbed by the thought of kissing her own mother, but has no problem taking “pictures of her asshole” and being next to her while she’s getting busy.

Continue reading “Mother-Daughter Porn Team Monica & Jessica Sexxton Give Morality Lessons”

Stories I’m Too Lazy To Write About [12-3-12]

Tina Fey daughter 30 RockYoung fictional Liz Lemon played by Tina Fey‘s real daughter Alice. (Huffington Post)

Chris Brown returns to Twitter, wonders what the world would be like without him. (MTV)

Everyone died in The Walking Dead mid-season finale, click for spoilers. (Rolling Stone)

Sanchez threw three interceptionsbenched in favor of not-Tebow Greg McElroy. (Yahoo!)

Late Halloween party-haver Heidi Klum raises money for Red Cross as Cleopatra. (Telegraph)

Mike Tyson keeps talking about catching Brad Pitt in bed with Robin Givens. (Deadspin)

Surprise! Dr. Dre makes more money than Bieber, Swifty, Spears, Gaga and RiRi. (The Blemish)

Uma Thurman’s Daughter’s Name Will Not Fit In This Headline

Uma Thurman gave birth to her third child and first with Frenchy Arpad Busson on July 15. The couple waited until now to announce the name, and brace yourself, because it’s a long one…

Rosalind Arusha Arkadina Altalune Florence Thurman-Busson, “known to family and friends as Luna,” according to Uma’s rep.

Seven names and each has a special “reason and meaning” unbeknownst to the public. Now, my indecisive parents decided to give me three middle names (Hallie Rose Sylvie Jane Madenski).

When asked for a middle initial, I can pick whichever one I’m in the mood for. Also, if I hated my first name (I don’t but nobody can pronounce it), I could always just call myself Jane or Rose or Sylvie and the same goes for little Luna, who will have just that many more options to pick and choose from.  Continue reading “Uma Thurman’s Daughter’s Name Will Not Fit In This Headline”

Tuna Are Endangered Because Mick Jagger’s Daughter Rode Them To Death

When I think of tuna I think of sandwiches or Courtney Stodden’s dirty bloomers, but since the image of Mick Jagger and Jerry Hall‘s naked daughter Elizabeth straddling a dead fish is now seared into my brain, I might be changing my tune.

Judge not, skeptics! Elizabeth Jagger is riding a yellowfin tuna into the sunset for a good cause. The “Fishlove” campaign to be exact. An exhibit that focuses on bringing awareness to endangered marine life.  Continue reading “Tuna Are Endangered Because Mick Jagger’s Daughter Rode Them To Death”

Michael Vick Doesn’t Want You To Know That He Has A Dog

Eagles quarterback Michael Vick deleted a photo of his daughter doing her homework from Twitter after a radio host in Philly noticed that there was a box of dog treats on the table next to her.

Vick replaced the picture with a cropped version, sans Milk-Bones, but it’s too late. I can’t erase the image from my mind.

After serving just under two years and completing his probation for his involvement in a dogfighting ring in Virginia where he reportedly killed at least eight pit bulls, Vick is legally allowed to own a dog.

If you ask me, or most anybody else, the news of Michael Vick having a dog is much more disturbing than knowing that Chris Brown and Rihanna are dating (because she’s making a choice to do so).  Continue reading “Michael Vick Doesn’t Want You To Know That He Has A Dog”

Chinese Businessman Offers $65 Million To Any “Kind-Hearted Man” Who Will Marry His Lesbian Daughter

Notorious lothario and Hong Kong shipping tycoon Cecil Chao is willing to cough up $65 million dollars to the first man that he deems worthy of marrying his daughter.

Here’s the thing, his daughter, 33-year-old Gigi Chao, is a lesbian who has been in a committed relationship with her partner for seven years. She’s also begging her father to “rescind the notice” for his “family’s sanity’s sake.”

Chao senior has reportedly received thousands of proposals.

“People send me letters, emails and faxes. I haven’t had time to read them yet. I’ll have to discuss it with Gigi,” Cecil told the South China Morning Post newspaper.  Continue reading “Chinese Businessman Offers $65 Million To Any “Kind-Hearted Man” Who Will Marry His Lesbian Daughter”

When Will It Stop? Tom Smith Compares His Unmarried Daughter’s Pregnancy To Rape

You’d think the backlash over Todd Akin‘s beyond-ignorant remarks on “legitimate rape” and how women’s bodies can “shut that whole thing down” would maybe JUST MAYBE make other Republicans wary about discussing the topic.

Instead, a wave of other mentally challenged virgins who skipped sex-ed class for church have come out with their own illegitimate thoughts.

Mike Huckabee talked about the wonderful people who came into this world because of “forcible rape” while Rush Limbaugh spoke against Akin and compared him to Joe Biden for no apparent reason.

Iowa congressman Steve King reportedly told KMEG-14 that he’d “never heard of” a child getting pregnant after rape. Now we can add another person to the list idiots with no filter…

Continue reading “When Will It Stop? Tom Smith Compares His Unmarried Daughter’s Pregnancy To Rape”

No Use For A Name Frontman Tony Sly (November 4, 1970 – July 31, 2012)

A statement from Fat Wreck Chords revealed that 41-year-old Tony Sly, lead singer and songwriter of the San Jose-based rock band No Use For A Name, passed away.

No time of death or exact location was listed but an investigator with the Santa Clara County Medical Examiner’s office said that “It appears to be a natural death,” though further examinations would be needed to determine an exact cause. 

“Fat” Mike Burkett, the label’s founder and lead singer for NOFX said:

“We have lost an incredible talent, friend, and father – one of the true greats. One of my dearest friends and favorite song writers has gone way too soon. Tony, you will be greatly missed.”  Continue reading “No Use For A Name Frontman Tony Sly (November 4, 1970 – July 31, 2012)”