Chris Rock + Others Close Out 2014 in Divorce

divorces 2014
It’s hard to believe in lasting love when famous long-term couples like Helena Bonham Carter and Tim Burton are dropping like flies…

Just this week, Chris Rock ended a 19-year relationship with Malaak Compton, whom he says has “repeatedly refused” visitations with his daughters.

Also, Food Network Giada of extraordinarily Italian pronunciation of the word “spaghetti” and Todd Thomas have announced an amicable separation after 11 years together, which means they’re both either super mature or super over each other, along with Jeremy Renner, who is getting divorced from D-list actress Sonni Pacheco after only 10 months.

Continue reading “Chris Rock + Others Close Out 2014 in Divorce”

Gwyneth Paltrow is Saying Silly Things About Her Divorce

Gwyneth Paltrow Chris Martin dinnerContrary to the headline, Gwyneth Paltrow really hasn’t said anything too “silly” about her divorce, but many do seem offended by her seemingly stuck-up refusal to actually call it a “divorce” in her original and follow-up statements.

In the first, she left a bad taste in the mouths [of people who probably already hated her] by using the term “conscious uncoupling” to describe her separation from longtime douchehub Chris Martin.

Recently, Paltrow published a recipe brutal guide to cutting off a chicken’s legs and head with a little “P.S.” message attached. “CM and I in deep gratitude for the support of so many,” she wrote.  Continue reading “Gwyneth Paltrow is Saying Silly Things About Her Divorce”

‘MUTUAL’ SEPARATION ALERT: Paula Patton Blurs the Lines Between Her and Robin Thicke

Robin Thicke and Paula Patton happyWholesome actress Paula Patton and her ass-grabbing, threesome-loving husband Robin Thicke are living proof that “separating” is the new divorce.

In a statement to People Magazine, Patton said that her and Robin “will always love each other and be best friends” but have “mutually decided to separate.”

I can’t help but think this is grown-up speak for, “we’ve had an open relationship since 2013, and I’m tired of it.” That would at least explain him turning a socialite into a human puppet and making out with a mysterious woman with an epic afro in France.

Continue reading “‘MUTUAL’ SEPARATION ALERT: Paula Patton Blurs the Lines Between Her and Robin Thicke”

Khloe Kardashian Finally Filed For Divorce

We all predicted a Khloe Kardashian and Lamar Odom divorce as soon as we all heard they got married after only dating for one month, but we were wrong. The marriage lasted a good four years and didn’t end because they merely got sick of each other like so many other boring celebrity romances.

This one is officially ending after Lamar fell back into the arms of his old love, crack cocaine. Not to mention him driving down the wrong side of the road drunk and recording shirtless rap songs about cheating on Khloe. And of course, these are all things that were made painfully public, giving Khloe a handful of legitimate reasons to GTFO.

His eyes have been more glazed than Krispy Kreme since the loss of his NBA career (specifically with the Lakers) and I’m sure his dark past (drug-addicted father, mother died when he was 12) didn’t help.

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Scientology Really Did Ruin Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes’ Marriage, In Case There Were Any Doubts

Katie holmes afraid of tomWhen Tom Cruise was asked in court if Scientology was “one of the reasons” Katie Holmes divorced him, he reportedly said “That was one of the assertions, yes.”

But, since he’s still a Scientologist and finds all lines of questioning that in any way paint Scientology in a bad light super offensive (just as I find religions that are under 60-years-old super offensive), he is also quoted as saying “there is no need to protect my daughter from my religion.”

And I guess that’s sort of true since there aren’t a lot of children’s book about the power of Xenu’s silver booty shorts and hypnotizing lazer eyes. Or are there?

I haven’t been to that Church in awhile. Last time I was there I took a gem off the wall and sold it for a mansion and a helicopter and I think I may replaced Katie as their number one target. #DangerZone

Miranda Kerr and Orlando Bloom Remain Best Friends After Breakup

Miranda Kerr Orlando Bloom 2013 Promising news for those of you wondering if you can ever actually stay friends with your ex: super mature and beautiful former couple Miranda Kerr and Orlando Bloom were seen strolling around the chilly streets of New York laughing arm-in-arm with their two-year-old son in tow just days after the world wept over their split.

The Aussie model whose boobs famously lagged out of her shirt earlier this year and British star of nothing recent confirmed the amicable separation on Thursday.

“Despite this being the end of their marriage, they love, support and respect each other as both parents of their son and as family,” a joint statement released to E! by Bloom’s rep read.  Continue reading “Miranda Kerr and Orlando Bloom Remain Best Friends After Breakup”

THIS IS NOT A DRILL: Bruce and Kris Jenner are Separated

Kris Jenner Bruce JennerAfter years and years of speculation, rumors, and separate coffins living situations, Kris and Bruce Jenner confirmed to E! that they are no longer romantically involved.

The wording, however, leaves many questions to be answered.

Like, are they getting a divorce any time soon? What’s the point, and were her ladybits more like a carnivorous plant gnawing on him slowly or did they clamp down suddenly, like the twisted rusty bear trap from Saw? 

Bruce and Kris Jenner have separated after 22 years of marriage.

“We are living separately and we are much happier this way,” the pair exclusively tell E! News.

“But we will always have much love and respect for each other. Even though we are separated, we will always remain best friends and, as always, our family will remain our number one priority.”

He lives in Malibu, she’s in Hidden Hills, the kids are all over the place, no one’s really at a loss except for Vampira’s future lover/client/plant waterer/dog poo scooper.  Continue reading “THIS IS NOT A DRILL: Bruce and Kris Jenner are Separated”

I KISSED A DOUCHE AND I LIKED IT: Russell Brand Asked Katy Perry For a Divorce Via Text

katy perry and russellIn the new issue of Vogue, Katy Perry admits that her previous boyfriends were very intelligent but had more irreversible problems than abused shelter dogs. Her husband of just over a year, Russell Brand, divorced her in a text message, and it wasn’t until she learned the “real truth” that she was able to move on and date fellow jerkbag John Mayer.

“I felt a lot of responsibility for it ending, but then I found out the real truth, which I can’t necessarily disclose because I keep it locked in my safe for a rainy day,” Perry said. “I let go and I was like: This isn’t because of me; this is beyond me. So I have moved on from that.”

Katy needs to move to Oregon where it always rains and tell us what the hell she’s got on Russell.

I want to say it absolutely has to do with drugs or sex, but I guess it’d be more shocking to find out that he collects commemorative MLK stamps or eats cake out of the trash. Continue reading “I KISSED A DOUCHE AND I LIKED IT: Russell Brand Asked Katy Perry For a Divorce Via Text”

Kim Gordon Divorced Thurston Moore Because He Had An Affair

Kim and ThurstonKim Gordon recently opened up about the details of her divorce, telling Elle that her husband, fellow Sonic Youth singer Thurston Moore, was leading a “double life” with another woman.

Gordon, who announced the split from Moore in late 2011, said the affair was continuos, and that her husband refused to severe ties even after she found out.

Following confrontation over a suspicious text message, they entered couples counseling as a last-ditch effort. Here’s an excerpt from the very candid and painful-to-read story, by Lizzy Goodman:

Some years ago, a woman Gordon declines to name became a part of the Sonic Youth world, first as the girlfriend of an erstwhile band member and later as a partner on a literary project with Moore. Continue reading “Kim Gordon Divorced Thurston Moore Because He Had An Affair”

Jeremy Shockey Out $15,000 For Posting Photo of His Ex-Wife’s Tight End?

Jeremy Shockey Daniela CortazarFormer Giants and Saints Super Bowl champion Jeremy Shockey’s soon-to-be ex-wife Daniela Cortazar is asking for $15,000 because of an Instagram photo of her bare bottom that supposedly violates a privacy provision in the prenup.

These two lovebirds spent a handful of last year’s months batting their eyelashes at each other and Tweeting photos from the bed they couldn’t be bothered to leave.

Suddenly, Shockey decided Cortazar was insane and filed for divorce, claiming the marriage was “irretrievably broken.” (Posting the booty pic after the fact because he still thinks she’s hot and/or wanted to humiliate her?)

Continue reading “Jeremy Shockey Out $15,000 For Posting Photo of His Ex-Wife’s Tight End?”

Kobe and Vanessa Bryant Announce Their Reconciliation, Because… Why Not?

Vanessa Bryant InstagramPeople have long suspected that something fishy was going on with Kobe Bryant and Vanessa Bryant, who filed for divorce in 2011 citing irreconcilable adultery (I mean “differences”).

After spending time kissing at Staples Center and eating steak together, the couple have officially announced the end of their divorce proceedings and the beginning of, nothing important.

“We are pleased to announce that we have reconciled,” Vanessa posted in Instagram text-to-photo format. “Our divorce action will be dismissed. We are looking forward to our future together.”

Continue reading “Kobe and Vanessa Bryant Announce Their Reconciliation, Because… Why Not?”

Jessica Simpson’s Mom Files For Divorce As Husband Cuddles With 20-Year-Old Cabana Boy

Jessica Simpson‘s mom Tina filed for divorce from Joe Simpson sometime last month after 34 years of marriage due to “discord or conflict of personalities.”

The super unreliable National Enquirer is reporting that the “discord” translates to Joe coming out of the closet to the entire family. According to Radar, 54-year-old Joe doesn’t waste any time…

A source says that he has a “20-something boy toy,” and that they were in fact in the car together on August 4 when Joe was arrested for DUI in California.

You’re telling me the guy who used the word “sexy” three times in one sentence to describe his daughter and  her “double D’s” is actually gay?  Continue reading “Jessica Simpson’s Mom Files For Divorce As Husband Cuddles With 20-Year-Old Cabana Boy”

Dwarf Divorce Alert: Danny DeVito And Rhea Perlman

After 30 years of marriage, Danny DeVito and Rhea Perlman are separating.

The two met 42 years ago in 1970 and began dating shortly after.

Over the span of their marriage, they’ve starred in Taxi and Matilda together and have watched each other in Cheers and It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia. Let’s also not forget Junior.

A rep for the couple (who would be 10’1″ if they stood on each other’s shoulders) confirmed that they filed for divorce but did not cite a reason.  Continue reading “Dwarf Divorce Alert: Danny DeVito And Rhea Perlman”

Amy Poehler And Will Arnett Are No Longer The Cutest Couple Ever, Divorce After Nine Years

Adorable couple of comedy, Amy Poehler and Will Arnett are separating after being married for nine years.

The Saturday Night Live and Arrested Development alums met in 2000 and tied the knot in summer of 2003.

They have two children (ages two and three) together. A source tells Us Weekly that the split was “very amicable.”

Not so amicable for fans. It’s hard to believe in a thing called lasting love when all my favorite longtime celebrity couples keep breaking up. Susan Sarandon and Tim Robbins (23 years), Thurston Moore and Kim Gordon (17 years), and Johnny Depp and gap-tooth lady (14 years).  Continue reading “Amy Poehler And Will Arnett Are No Longer The Cutest Couple Ever, Divorce After Nine Years”

Katie Holmes Filed For Divorce From Tom Cruise, Remains Tight-Lipped On Why

Turns out the third time wasn’t a charm for Tom Cruise, the rather shocking news is that Katie Holmes filed for divorce on Thursday, just days before his birthday. Friend and attorney Bert Fields told Reuters:

“Katie filed for divorce yesterday. Tom is very saddened by that, and right now he is concentrating on the kids…Tom wants to be very private.”

Holmes’ lawyer, Jonathan Wolfe, was the first to confirm the split saying, “This is a personal and private matter for Katie and her family, Katie’s primary concern remains, as it always has been, her daughter’s best interest.”

So, privacy and secrecy until one of them (or “a source”) starts leaking information. Maybe it was an amicable divorce. Maybe they fell out of love in the last year of their five-year marriage…

Continue reading “Katie Holmes Filed For Divorce From Tom Cruise, Remains Tight-Lipped On Why”

Take It Slow Kim And Miley, I Don’t Want To Write About Another Divorce

Not long ago Kim Kardashian and Kanye West, who are apparently a real couple, were in the news for selling their collective homes so they can move in together.

Both put their houses in Los Angeles up on the market for several million dollars and are looking, according to TMZ, for “a really private place to live … behind gates.”  Continue reading “Take It Slow Kim And Miley, I Don’t Want To Write About Another Divorce”

No More Jennie Garth And Peter Facinelli

Twilight/Nurse Jackie doctor Peter Facinelli and professional 90210 preppy girl/What I Like About You sister Jennie Garth are getting a divorce after 11 years of marriage.

Though no official reason has been cited Facinelli told Us Weekly:

“While we have decided to end our marriage, we both share the same deep love and devotion to our children. We remain dedicated to raising our beautiful daughters together. We ask for privacy and respect during this time.”

Jennie and Peter have three daughters together, Luca is the oldest at 14 and nine year-old Lola and five year-old Fiona follow.

According to Scallywag & Vagabond, Facinelli had an affair with a Canadian woman that he met during the filming of Breaking Dawn.

Continue reading “No More Jennie Garth And Peter Facinelli”