THIS IS NOT A DRILL: Bruce and Kris Jenner are Separated

Kris Jenner Bruce JennerAfter years and years of speculation, rumors, and separate coffins living situations, Kris and Bruce Jenner confirmed to E! that they are no longer romantically involved.

The wording, however, leaves many questions to be answered.

Like, are they getting a divorce any time soon? What’s the point, and were her ladybits more like a carnivorous plant gnawing on him slowly or did they clamp down suddenly, like the twisted rusty bear trap from Saw? 

Bruce and Kris Jenner have separated after 22 years of marriage.

“We are living separately and we are much happier this way,” the pair exclusively tell E! News.

“But we will always have much love and respect for each other. Even though we are separated, we will always remain best friends and, as always, our family will remain our number one priority.”

He lives in Malibu, she’s in Hidden Hills, the kids are all over the place, no one’s really at a loss except for Vampira’s future lover/client/plant waterer/dog poo scooper.  Continue reading “THIS IS NOT A DRILL: Bruce and Kris Jenner are Separated”

Kim Kardashian 100% Divorced From Andre The Giant

Kris Humprhies Kim Kardashian celebratingDoes Kim Kardashian matter on a day like today, with what’s going on in Waco and Boston?

No. But this is a gossip website and I’m shallow, interested in distraction and not sure what to say about Massachusetts until they catch the guy.

The breadwinner of the Jenner and Kardashian Klan’s 72-day marriage to mumbling oaf Kris Humphries was finally dissolved after over a year of haggling and claims of fraud.

Now’s a great time to guess who she’s going to marry next and order discounted bottles of her limited edition failure-scented “wedding fragrance.”

Jessica Simpson’s Mom Files For Divorce As Husband Cuddles With 20-Year-Old Cabana Boy

Jessica Simpson‘s mom Tina filed for divorce from Joe Simpson sometime last month after 34 years of marriage due to “discord or conflict of personalities.”

The super unreliable National Enquirer is reporting that the “discord” translates to Joe coming out of the closet to the entire family. According to Radar, 54-year-old Joe doesn’t waste any time…

A source says that he has a “20-something boy toy,” and that they were in fact in the car together on August 4 when Joe was arrested for DUI in California.

You’re telling me the guy who used the word “sexy” three times in one sentence to describe his daughter and  her “double D’s” is actually gay?  Continue reading “Jessica Simpson’s Mom Files For Divorce As Husband Cuddles With 20-Year-Old Cabana Boy”

Zooey D. Splits From Husband, Frances Bean Engaged

In other random rock star/rock offspring news… Zooey Deschanel, who married Death Cab For Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard in 2009, is getting a divorce while Frances Bean Cobain is getting hitched!

I know the two are in no way related but I was very saddened by the new of Thurston Moore and Kim Gordon’s break-up, so I immediately began wracking my brain for legitimate adorable rock or indie couples of today.

Guess what I came up with? Several weeks ago, I thought of Zooey Deschanel and Ben Gibbard! And now they’re getting divorced too. So aggravating, there are no notable romantic musician-pairings left besides Brody Dalle and Josh Homme.

Continue reading “Zooey D. Splits From Husband, Frances Bean Engaged”