Putin Just Repossessed Ukraine’s Attack Dolphins

russian attack dolphinsNow that former Ukraine president Viktor Yanukovich is gone, the two countries are going through a nasty falling out, with macho Russian prez Putin taking back a fleet of war ships and now battle dolphins.

True story. Back in the ’60s, when Ukraine and Russia were one big Soviet family, the military began training dolphins as a means of defense in a top-secret division of the navy that was “restarted a few years ago” according to ABC.com.

The highly intelligent mammals (along with sea lions, apparently) were recruited for tasks such as “patrolling open waters with detection devices,” “defending against mines and enemy divers” (operation non-human shield?), and “attack missions.”  Continue reading “Putin Just Repossessed Ukraine’s Attack Dolphins”

Stories I’m Too Lazy To Write About [11-08-12]

Acer laptop commercial has Megan Fox saving lobsters and talking to dolphins. (Kotaku)

Nicolas Cage has TWELVE films scheduled for 2013. (Grouchy Muffin)

Brother of Modern Family star says abuse allegations against his mother are bogus. (Us Weekly)

Lamar Odom still thinks he’s a Laker, not a Clipper. (Yahoo!)

Representative Gabrielle Giffords’ shooter gets seven life sentences. (TMZ)

Rihanna’s butt is on display because she wants it to be. (Evil Beet)

Oh nevermind. Miley Cyrus is only having one wedding, not 47. (Celebuzz)

Arnold Schwarzenegger’s new movie trailer for The Last Stand is here. (ohmyGAHH!)

Chad Johnson Punished By NFL And VH1 For Head-Butting Incident

Both VH1 and the Miami Dolphins are cutting ties with wide receiver Chad “Ochocinco” Johnson after he sent his wife, Basketball Wives star Evelyn Lozada to the ER.

The fight reportedly began when Lozada accused Johnson of infidelity after discovering a receipt for condoms. Much like Chris Brown, who was famously “caught in a lie” by Rihanna, Chad retaliated with violence. A head-butt, to be specific.

The Dolphins terminated his one-year contract and his 11-episode reality show co-starrig his wife, Ev & Ocho, was cancelled by VH1 before it aired.

Reggie Bush Buys Dolphin Offensive Line Segways

Reggie Bush bought the entire Miami offensive line some two-wheeled personal transporters, because we all know that offensive lineman are waify and need to be wary of walking.

His blockers can now race around South Beach at 12 miles an hour, picking up women and dining on fried foodstuffs without a bothersome car or stroll. The former Saint’s running back announced the gifts on Twitter, and posted pictures of the guys riding around on them “Just bought the whole offensive line segways!!!! I think they like them…They are riding around the parking lot like little kids in a candy store!”

Continue reading “Reggie Bush Buys Dolphin Offensive Line Segways”