Video: Nicki Minaj – “Only”

While you’re waiting for Nicki Minaj‘s third full-length album The Pinkprint (tomorrow), here’s a video of Nicki bouncing around in business casual attire with Drake professing his love for cellulite-laden ass dimples and Chris Brown in his most believable performance ever as a rapey-eyed devil. Produced by alleged Ke$ha and Lady Gaga rapist Dr. Luke.
  

I Watched Nicki Minaj’s ‘Anaconda’ Video So You Don’t Have To…

Nicki minaj pink outfit anaconda
On behalf of everyone, I would like to proclaim that I watched all of Nicki Minaj‘s new music video, which is “Baby Got Back” with a different title and a verse about a dude named Michael with a “dick bigger than a tower” who tossed her salad “like his name Romaine.” 
nicki minaj anaconda gif
Michael and this other guy Troy love that she’s down to bang in a car and that she eats breakfast lunch and dinner because, as you can tell from the salad references and slow-motion banana peeling, she’s very health conscious.

As with all things Nicki Minaj, it all boils down to the ass, and this is definitely the most assalicious song of Nicki’s. (“Dance A$$” doesn’t count if we’re being technical.)

The video is just an excuse for Nicki and other self-proclaimed big bootied hoes to twerk.

All twerk and no play / twerking hard or hardly twerking?

Continue reading “I Watched Nicki Minaj’s ‘Anaconda’ Video So You Don’t Have To…”

In Other News, Guy Gets Paid To Pour Water on Rihanna’s Back

Exclusive - Rihanna Does a Skin Photo Shoot Half Naked in the Hollywood Hills Some people list teacher, policeman, veterinarian or chef as their dream job, others put “dumping water on Rihanna’s backside.” …To each their own.

Let’s list the pros and cons of pouring water on Rihanna.

Pros: It’s easy.

Cons: If Rihanna sees your boner, she’ll probably alert everyone in the vicinity with a loud “EH!” resulting in the loss of your job and you looking on Craigslist for opposing employment that involves intense labor like hauling cement blocks in the pouring rain.

In other other news, totally attractive virgin bobsledder Lolo Jones wrote on Twitter that it’s going to be hard for Drake to “hand out all those awards to Rihanna’s ex boyfriends” at the ESPYs. Ho ho ho I get it and cannot contain my laughter because Rihanna dated one athlete in 2011.  Continue reading “In Other News, Guy Gets Paid To Pour Water on Rihanna’s Back”

Drake Tour Bus Causes Portland Traffic Jam

drake as ETDrake may be the type of nigga to hand out apples on Halloween (no need to remind me that I’m white), but he’s also the type to walk onto the highway of the town he’s touring in and throw speakers and light fixtures in front of decent, hard-working people who are trying to make a living doing something other than singing about ass and chainz.

Alright, truthfully he didn’t quite do that, but a bus full of his equipment did cause a traffic jam on I-5 in my dreary hippie-infested town of Portland, Oregon this morning.

His concert at Moda Center (formerly The Rose Garden, home of the Trail Blazers) is still happening at this very moment. I was totally sent VIP tickets but opted out in favor of a sad movie and peppermint tea.

If you must know, my favorite new Drake song is “Come Thru,” but only because of the ridiculous line “I can still get you wet and I can still make you laugh.” You and I both know Drake couldn’t get the ocean wet…

Video: Drake – “Hold On, We’re Going Home”

Several videos that I don’t have the attention span to watch were released in recent days. It was either this, Rihanna and A$AP Rocky trying on clothes, and super generic dubstep with Haley Williams.

I’ll be in the back, looking at “Drake the type of nigga…” memes. Let me know what happens.

If Drake Was a Horror Movie Villain and Amanda Bynes’ Vagina Was the Heroine’s Friend…

Amanda Bynes drake I was thinking about what Amanda Bynes said about Drake. (You know, that she wants him to “murder” her vagina.) And I wondered how the murder would occur. I figured the best scenario would be if her vag was the best friend of a horror movie heroine like Laurie Strode in Halloween.

Would he approach it slowly, from behind a tree, or stab it in the shower Norman Bates-style? Does he have a teasing, save-it-for-later mentality, like Leatherface when he put Pam on the meat hook and threw her in a freezer?

None of the above. Because if anyone’s the aggressor it’s her. Picture her ladybits crawling out of a television or asking him if he “wants to play a game.”

Continue reading “If Drake Was a Horror Movie Villain and Amanda Bynes’ Vagina Was the Heroine’s Friend…”

Rihanna For Vogue, November 2012

Who do you think Rihanna talks about in the latest issue of Vogue? Could it possibly be Chris Brown? If you guessed that, you are right but do not deserve a reward of any kind because it’s the most obvious answer ever.

Shot by Annie Leibovitz, who also photographed her first cover in April 2011, Rihanna says the world is “obsessed” with her and Brown.

“To the world, I feel like there’s no closure. There’s some obsession that’s continued even throughout when we weren’t friends or couldn’t be friends at all. Hated each other. The world hasn’t let go. They haven’t seen any progress in our friendship, because they don’t see anything really.”

“I don’t know if people will stop soon, but I feel like as soon as they have closure to it, they will. But they’re not on the inside. They can’t see what I see, unless they’re sitting in my point of view. I guess I’ll learn to accept that.”  Continue reading “Rihanna For Vogue, November 2012”

The Week in Music, Drake + Aaliyah, Lollapalooza and More!

Proof of Drake’s neverending Aaliyah obsession

Drake added vocals to a previously unreleased Aaliyah track. (Consequence of Sound)

Ke$ha’s new album will have guitars and ‘more of her real voice!’ Should we be scared? (Idolator)

Morrissey hates the Olympics. (Pitchfork)

Lamb Of God singer Randy Blythe finally out of nightmarish Czech prison, may go to trial. (BBC)

Lollapalooza delayed for several hours due to ‘severe thunderstorms.’ (Huffington Post)

Sprinter Usain Bolt loves hip-hop ‘as long as it’s hot.’ (NME)

Rita Ora and Karmin battle over Rolling Stone cover possibility (Rolling Stone)

Too Bad ‘Cribs’ Is No More, Drake’s New House Would Be Perfect

The second most successful Canadian musician of today just bought a $7.7 million dollar (oddly Dutch-looking) mansion complete with a grotto, library, home theater, tennis court, and gigantic wine cellar.

Yes, Drake aka Aubrey Graham aka Jimmy cripple Brooks is living the life of a miniature, more rustic Hugh Hefner. The one thing that’s missing from this absolutely redonkulous house is a boxing ring.

Continue reading “Too Bad ‘Cribs’ Is No More, Drake’s New House Would Be Perfect”

Oh Drake, You Could’ve At Least Pretended To Beat Up Chris Brown To Make Me Happy

This morning was like Christmas, but if I forgot what day Christmas was (not unlikely) and was even more surprised to see my gift. That present came in the form of hearing that Drake‘s entourage beat up Chris Brown’s entourage over Rihanna in a NY club.

Then I read on TMZ that Drake’s rep is insisting that he wasn’t involved in the brawl, and that it was actually a fight between Chris and Drake’s friend, Philly rapper Meek Mill.

So much disappointment, but fortunately, Brown aka “Breezy” did get a nasty cut on his chin from all the bottles that were thrown. He tweeted a photo of it (which was later deleted) and wrote:  Continue reading “Oh Drake, You Could’ve At Least Pretended To Beat Up Chris Brown To Make Me Happy”

Drake’s ‘Oh S**t, There’s An Earthquake!’ Face

Ashton Kutcher returned as a host for a special episode of Punk’d that aired before the MTV Movie Awards on Sunday to play pranks on Drake and Kim Kardashian.

In all his manic bravado, he brought up one important point, this redesigned season of the show has kind of sucked in that three of the victims (Rob Dyrdek, Joe Jonas, and Aimee Teegarden) figured out they were getting Punk’d.

Kutcher said, “What’s happened thus far has been a fuckin’ travesty.”

“I think it’s time to step it up a notch. We’ve been running at like a seven thus far, and I think it’s time to take it to like a 14.”  Continue reading “Drake’s ‘Oh S**t, There’s An Earthquake!’ Face”

Video: Rita Ora – “R.I.P.” Feat. Tinie Tempah

Rita Ora is a 21 year-old  British pop sensation who caught the attention of Jay-Z, who signed her to Roc Nation in 2009. She is drawing strong comparisons to J-Lo and Rihanna, another Jay-Z managed artist.

AND she’s opening for Coldplay (good exposure) AND she’s Rob Kardashian’s girlfriend. Did I mention she’s dominating the UK charts? Oh, and “R.I.P.” was written by Drake and originally intended for Rihanna’s Loud.  Continue reading “Video: Rita Ora – “R.I.P.” Feat. Tinie Tempah”

Videos: Drake’s “Take Care” Feat. Rihanna And Nicki Minaj’s “Beez In The Trap”

This is rare, but yesterday three of the biggest names in rap/hip-hop/R&B were involved in music videos. (Only Jay-Z, Beyonce, Lil’ Wayne and Kanye are absent)

Drake and Rihanna for “Take Care” and Nicki Minaj for “Beez In The Trap” featuring 2 Chainz, whoever that is. “Take Care” shows Drake, throwing his arms around while Rihanna stares at the ceiling. Oh and there’s a cow, a bird and a mountain too.

Continue reading “Videos: Drake’s “Take Care” Feat. Rihanna And Nicki Minaj’s “Beez In The Trap””

Five Degrassi Stars Who Made It Big

1. Drake. Toronto-born Aubrey Graham had a great run on Degrassi: The Next Generation. His storyline as a popular jock-turned paraplegic was iconic. After his character, Jimmy Brooks, is shot by bullied outcast Rick in season four (2004-05) ratings were boosted and the show gained national attention for their careful and realistic depiction of a school shooting.

Though Graham’s Brooks had musical aspirations and attempted to showcase his rapping skills on television, no one could have predicted that he would become a platinum-selling megastar, onetime Rihanna love interest, musical guest on Saturday Night Live and close personal friend and Cash Money labelmate of Nicki Minaj and Lil’ Wayne. [Season 1-8] Continue reading “Five Degrassi Stars Who Made It Big”

Yes, Drake’s ‘Practice’ Video Is Real

There are times when I’m surfing YouTube and I accidentally click on links that aren’t what I thought they’d be. These fraudulent videos are the result of some guitar playing singer who used a dollar store webcam to film themselves singing Tegan & Sara covers.

When they aren’t bad covers they’re inaudible clips of  people speaking their mind or dancing in a general attention-seeking manner.

The new Drake video for “Practice” reminds me of that. It simply does not seem real, so much so that I was it wasn’t until I saw it on the Cash Money channel.  Continue reading “Yes, Drake’s ‘Practice’ Video Is Real”

In What World Does Drake Equal Obama?

Drake may be the next actor turned rapper turned actor. He talked to VH1 news reporters at Sundance about his future acting aspirations and told them he would love to play the current president in a film.

“I hope somebody makes a movie about Obama’s life soon because I could play him. That’s the goal, I watch all the addresses…I definitely pay attention and listen to the inflections of his voice. If you ask anyone who knows me, I’m pretty good at impressions.” Continue reading “In What World Does Drake Equal Obama?”