Angelina Jolie’s Wedding Dress: Business in the Front, Party in the Back

Angelina jolie wedding dress front and back
The most beautiful couple of all time (Sorry, Sofia Vergara and Joe Manganiello) got married in a secret ceremony last weekend and in usual Jolie fashion, it wasn’t all ordinary.

White dress: check. Designer dress: check. Drawings all over the back of the dress: check.

In the words of someone over at Gawker, the dress was designed by the master tailor at Atelier Versace and A BUNCH OF SCREAMING CHILDREN!!!

Yes, Jolie adorably gave her children the dress as a canvas to display their artwork, and the entire back was covered in pictures of well, all I can make out are flowers, but I think I also see a plane and a robot and possibly Billy Bob Thornton waving goodbye.  Continue reading “Angelina Jolie’s Wedding Dress: Business in the Front, Party in the Back”

Rihanna Basically Wore No Clothes to a Fashion Award Show

Rihanna see through dressRihanna, one of the most-naked celebrities, is considered a fashion icon. Go figure. If fashion is ever-changing, then Rihanna – with her five unique hair styles a year and bottomless wardrobe – IS fashion (Tom Ford called her dearly departed Instagram account “the most important” thing in the industry), but she also has entire closets dedicated to bikinis and nipple pasties. 

Rihanna’s stripper’s paradise continued at the CFDA’s earlier today in New York, where she was presented with the Fashion Icon Award wearing a bedazzled shower cap, see-through strip of fabric by Adam Selma, and pinkish fur.

Perhaps the hat is more of a flapper head dress than synchronized swimwear, but who besides an asexual design student would even notice what’s going on above the neck?

Rob Kardashian Not Invited to Kim’s Wedding?

Rob Kardashian airport missed weddingThe least important Kardashian was not present at his sister’s elegant Italian wedding due to reported “major family drama” just a few hours prior.

If I had to guess, I’d say Rob couldn’t afford to buy the two seats on the plane for himself, or that he just barely missed the doctor-approved second trimester of pregnancy… but fat shaming isn’t cool even when it’s a man, right guys?

We always remember that people of privilege have infinite access to personal trainers, but forget that they also have unlimited access to Pringles.

Also not able to make the wedding, Jay-Z, Beyoncé and fellow lesser-valued stock member of the Kardashian/Jenner Klan and Matthew Fox lookalike Brody Jenner.  Continue reading “Rob Kardashian Not Invited to Kim’s Wedding?”

Toni Braxton’s Dress Fell Off, In The Back, And Stuff

Toni Braxton assIn ass news unrelated to big-assed Kim Kardashian calling Katie Couric a two-faced assclown assface, Toni Braxton had a gravity-defying moment of booty-showing bareness at a concert.

Remember her? People used to compare her to Whitney Houston even though she only had a few songs. Good ones, mind you, but it’s like everyone saying Lady Gaga is Madonna after one album or that Leona Lewis is Mariah Carey just because of “Bleeding Love.”

Toni B. sang “Unbreak My Heart,” “He Wasn’t Man Enough,” and “You’re Making Me High,” hits that allow her to continue to tour to this day. At one show this week in the not-so-fine state of New Jersey, Braxton’s completely fine backside backslid out of her dress for the world to see, causing an uproar in the audience and a good-natured smile and giggle from her.  Continue reading “Toni Braxton’s Dress Fell Off, In The Back, And Stuff”

‘Good Morning America’ Anchor Prevents Mariah Carey Wardrobe Malfunction

Mariah Carey Lisa SpencerI remember reading or watching an interview where Mariah Carey said she requires 12 or 13 hours of sleep. (This of course makes us kindred spirits.)

So Mariah didn’t maybe get her full 13 on not-so Good Morning America today and that caused her to swear on live TV. Nothing serious, just a little “Oh sh*t” as she was being introduced. Shortly after, the back of her Versace dress broke. In a true act of feminism, life-saving GMA anchor Lara Spencer held Mariah’s strap up so no one would see the goods. #WomenHelpingWomen

What a marvelous avoidance of disaster. Coincidence that this occurred almost three years after Nicki Minaj introduced us to her entire areola on the exact same show? I think not.  Continue reading “‘Good Morning America’ Anchor Prevents Mariah Carey Wardrobe Malfunction”

Keira Knightley WEDDING DETAILS: Tents, Chanel, And An Old Renault

Keira Knightley wedding dressKeira Knightley got married today to her keyboardist husband James Righton (as in, “Right on James, you married the British version of Natalie Portman”) in the South of France. This is a big deal to me because I have tricked myself into thinking I discovered Keira when she was in Bend It Like Beckham. All I remember saying in 2002 besides “Kill me, I’m still in high school” had to do with that movie.

Blah blah blah soccer movie. David Beckham. India. Girl with short hair. Guru Nanak.

In 2003 I switched to “Did you see that girl from Bend It Like Beckham in Pirates of the Caribbean yet???”

Blah blah blah Johnny Depp. Rum. Elizabeth Swann. CLICK for gifs and stuff about her dress…

Quvenzhané Wallis is the Best Academy Award Nominee Ever [WINNERS LIST]

Quvenzhané Wallis flexingInstead of an Oscar, Quvenzhané Wallis won our hearts.

The 9-year-old Beasts of the Southern Wild actress clutched a puppy purse on the red carpet, telling Ryan Seacrest she chose her adorably adult Armani dress because it was “sparkly and fluffy.”

The two times clips of Beasts were thrown on the monitor during the ceremony, she flexed her tiny muscles like her character in the “I’m the man” scene of her film and smiled a broad and innocent smile more infectious than bird flu.

During a live Tweet of the Oscars, satirical publication The Onion decided it would be funny to call her the c-word. Because… shock value?

Continue reading “Quvenzhané Wallis is the Best Academy Award Nominee Ever [WINNERS LIST]”

Aisha Tyler Doesn’t Know Why She Wore This Dress

Aisha Tyler see through dress 1Actress, video game aficionado, Girl On Guy podcast creator, voice of Archer‘s Lana Kane and Self-Inflicted Wounds: How I Learned to Embrace the Epic Fail author Aisha Tyler roasted her fashion choices today during her other gig, on The Talk.

When discussing Megan Fox letting her husband pick out an outfit, Tyler admitted that she had no idea what she was thinking when she wore a see-through dress to the NAACP Image Awards without asking anyone’s opinion first.

(I don’t know exactly when she wore this, but it must have been sometime between 2001 and 2006.) Here are some of her comments on it…

“If you see this photo online, I don’t look gorgeous, I look like a who-re.”  Continue reading “Aisha Tyler Doesn’t Know Why She Wore This Dress”

Stories I’m Too Lazy To Write About [12-14-12]

Kristen Stewart see-through dressesWhich see-through Kristen Stewart dress do you like best? Disperse and discuss. (Celebuzz)

Hugh Grant banned from The Daily Show for being “a big pain in the ass.” (Yahoo!)

Male Kardashian found a new victim to impregnate raw. (Wetpaint)

Avril Lavigne covers “How You Remind Me” for a soundtrack I won’t be buying. (ohmyGAHH!)

Eagles block their own punt in atrocious Thursday night game in Philly. (Deadspin)

Daniel Radcliffe comes out of sobriety for late-night Jäger and Dusty Springfield. (Inquisitr)

“Michael [Douglas] was a wonderful kisser.”Matt Damon, on filming the Liberace movie. (ONTD)

Lindsay Lohan’s Bellybutton Walks The Red Carpet, Plus ‘Liz & Dick’ Reviews!

Raise your hand if you understand the innuendo in a title about Lindsay‘s bellybutton being close to her red carpet? Lower your hand if you don’t think it’s funny. Alright, that narrows it down to all of you. Now direct your eyes to this Motel 6 hooker dress, worn at the L.A. premiere of Liz & Dick.

What’s the most offensive thing about this? The holes in the front, or the visible hole in her stomach?

I’d say, at this point in her life, her bellybutton is the most appealing thing about her, but only because it’s an innie and I don’t see any Raisinets inside.

Here are some of the Liz & Dick reviews Lindsay Lohan won’t be readingContinue reading “Lindsay Lohan’s Bellybutton Walks The Red Carpet, Plus ‘Liz & Dick’ Reviews!”

Sofia Vergara’s Ass Fell Out At The Emmys

This year’s Emmys were pretty boring. Mad Men and Girls were snubbed while Modern Family won five statues.

HBO’s Game Change, starring Julianne Moore as Sara Palin, took home four.

In dress news Claire Danes wore a bag (because she’s pregnant), and Lucy Liu wore Versace armor but the biggest, least boring thing to happen was Sofia Vergara‘s behind-the-scenes wardrobe malfunction.

“Yes!!!! This happend 20 min before we won!!!! Jajajajja. I luv my life!!!!” Vergara wrote on WhoSay with an accompanying photo of her ripped green dress, then another of an “emergency team” frantically pinning it together.  Continue reading “Sofia Vergara’s Ass Fell Out At The Emmys”

Yahoo! Asks If You’d ‘Wear’ A Dress Made Of 50,000 Gummy Bears…

An Alexander McQueen-inspired custom dress made of 50,0000 gummy bears was created for TWELV magazine. Yahoo asks “Would You Wear It?” Well, no Yahoo, I’m a sensible person, I’d do the expected thing and EAT IT.

In 55 seconds flat this whole 220 pound dress would be gone. All that would be left is a grinning 26 year-old Susan Boyle lookalike with multi-colored pieces of candy stuck to her braces.

I cannot find information on whether it’s made out of Haribo, Black Forest, or Albanese. The latter would be my guess since they’re the only ones who make the blue ones. Not that they couldn’t have just dyed them or used fancypants imported European gummies. Regardless, I’m sick of lollygagging…  Continue reading “Yahoo! Asks If You’d ‘Wear’ A Dress Made Of 50,000 Gummy Bears…”

Attack Of The 26 Foot Marilyn

A 26-foot tall statue of Marilyn Monroe frozen in time doing her famous I-managed-to-make-a-subway-grate-sexy pose will be moved from Chicago and sent to Palm Springs, California next month.

“Forever Marilyn” may be as popular to tourists as Kennedy’s mistress herself but it was ranked number one in a list of bad public art with fiberglass cows and a tasteless statue of Bewitched star Elizabeth Montgomery in Salem trailing just behind. Some women even crinkled their nose and called the statue sexist while visitors shamelessly snap pictures from under her dress.  Continue reading “Attack Of The 26 Foot Marilyn”

‘Optical Illusion’ Dress, Non-Weight Loss For Dummies

Liv Tyler, Kate Winslet and Nicola Peltz

Kate Winslet (center) wore a dress designed by Stella McCartney at the Venice Film Festival in September that tricks the eye in an effective yet strange way. Regardless of it looking like undergarments for female members of Federation Starfleet, the “illusion” kinda works.

The dress uses dark portions of colors contrasted with light or cream-colored sections for instant waist-thinning joy. So, when you see Kate from far away you go “Hey, that lady is skinny, what are her secrets?…”

Continue reading “‘Optical Illusion’ Dress, Non-Weight Loss For Dummies”

Sofia Coppola And Phoenix Frontman Married

Sofia Coppola, esteemed director (Lost In Translation) and daughter of Frances Ford, married Thomas Mars of indie band Phoenix this weekend.

The couple have been together since early the 2000’s and already have two children, daughters Romy and Cosima.

Elite guests who attended the wedding in Bernalda, Italy included George Lucas and Johnny Depp. Sofia wore a custom made Azzedine Alaïa dress in lavender.

Hopefully these lovebirds will have even more children, and they can all grow up to be filmmakers and musicians. The famous Mars/Coppola family… The Baldwins and Jacksons of the future? But they’re all too low-key to care.

Kim Kardashian Wedding Pics

These two doofs (Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries) got married yesterday! And E! has released a video of footage from the joyous event.

Kim wore a strapless Vera Wang dress and Kris wore a giant Farrakhan bowtie and honestly I dunno what kind of suit, I have the fashion sense of a Madagascar hissing cockroach.

It was a very very white wedding, for someone who, ahem, used to not be so into white things. Continue reading “Kim Kardashian Wedding Pics”