Chris Kattan Stumbles Like a Bad SNL Sketch Prior to DUI Arrest

Chris Kattan mugshot DUIChris Kattan, lovable comedic actor and former Saturday Night Live cast member Chris Kattan (Mr. Peepers, Mango, Doug Butabi from A Night at the Roxbury) was arrested for hitting a parked car last week, and TMZ has a video of him a few hours prior wobbling around an airplane like he just watched back-to-back showings of Gravity at IMAX.

An utterly harmless 5’6″ Kattan, who admitted to taking prescription drugs and was reportedly seen “weaving all over the roadway at slow speeds” tweeted that he was more tired than high.

“I just got back from a 15 hour flight after touring out of the country. I was exhausted. The police were so kind. I’m lucky nobody was hurt,” he said, channelling his inner Canadian.

Justin Bieber ‘Races’ at 30 Miles an Hour

Justin Bieber basketball instagramLike Paris, Britney, Lindsay and Amanda before him, Justin Bieber is under a microscope. Not because no one can seem to find his enlarged clitoris, but because he is, in the words of Joel McHale, “a fucking idiot.”

TMZ has been poking around for follow-ups to accompany the news of his DUI arrest and so far they’ve uncovered a video of the Biebs driving slower than a slug in a wheelchair. At a mere 27 miles per hour, Justina Bebeur may just be the worst drag racer of all time. Sad because fatalities usually occur at higher speeds.

We’re also learned that the award for having female genitalia and riding in cars with little famous boys is getting paid to do “webcam events” and stripping for Michael Lohan lesser-known celebs at Scores.  Continue reading “Justin Bieber ‘Races’ at 30 Miles an Hour”

#DeportBieber Trends on Twitter Following DUI Arrest

Jutin Bieber tiger beat mugshot memeJustin Bieber was pulled over and taken into police custody today in Miami Beach for resisting arrest, driving under the influence and driving with an expired license, because Justin doesn’t have time to renew things, not yell “fuck” at the cops, or have someone else drive him after he’s washed a few Xanax down with his martinis.

He had a pretty HUGE smile on his beautiful ladyface in his mugshot, which totally inspired some radical photoshops, dude. (The best involved Orange is the New Black and Miley Cyrus, separately.)

Justin’s hooliganism arrest also inspired some kindness from his thousands of remaining fans on Twitter. Crap like “#PrayersforBieber” and “FreeBieber” trended, while the rest of us pushed “DeportBieber.” From TMZ:

According to the police report — obtained by TMZ — cops approached Bieber’s car and they instantly realized he reeked of alcohol and had bloodshot eyes.  He had a “stupor” look on his face.

The police report says … Bieber was defiant from the get-go, yelling at the cops, “Why the f**k are you doing this?”  He also yelled, “What the f**k did I do.  Why did you stop me?”  Continue reading “#DeportBieber Trends on Twitter Following DUI Arrest”

Lamar Odom Gets THREE YEARS OF PROBATION for Being an Irresponsible Drunk

Lamar Odom drivingRemember when Lamar Odom was arrested for driving in a slow but snakelike zig zag down the 101 under the influence of alcohol and God knows what else? (And by “God knows what else,” I mean crack.)

Well, on top of his license being revoked for most of 2014, he was just slapped with three whole years of probation for his little August joyride. This mostly due to Odom’s refusal to take a chemical test, which a California Highway Patrol officer told Radar is something “no one should ever do.”

Odom will also be forced to take an “alcohol education class,” because booze is bad mmkay.  Continue reading “Lamar Odom Gets THREE YEARS OF PROBATION for Being an Irresponsible Drunk”

Crazy Drunk NASCAR Driver Amanda Bynes Finally Lost Her License

When I say Amanda Bynes “lost” her license, it wasn’t like “oopsy, where did it go, is it under the couch cushion?” it’s more like, bitches who crash into a thousand cars (one belonging to a sheriff) get their licenses suspended.

The Los Angeles Times recently uncovered records from California’s DMV indicating that the troubled lunatic driver/What I Like About You star’s behind-the-wheel privileges have been indefinitely abolished.

She now faces possibly jail time for two  hit-and-run charges, DUI, and refusing a blood alcohol and/or breathalyzer test. Strange for someone who claims to “not drink.”

Looks like the authorities still managed to recognize her after her makeover/disguise (pictured) and pleas with Obama. Oh Mr. President, you wouldn’t arrest a patriotic hooker, would you???

Taking Advice From The Founder Of Crocs: When In Doubt, Blame Taylor Swift

The shoe company Crocs was unnecessarily founded by three people. One of them said “let’s take the backs off” another added “let’s put holes in them!” and the third said “let’s make them ugly.”

It’s true too.

It turns out one of the founders, like his shoes, is hilariously crazy.

Some people are just scary crazy, and worthy of your fear, but George Boedecker seems like a fun guy to hang out with. Last weekend he was discovered by the police passed out in front of his Porsche. So wasted in fact, that the medics plainly called him “drunk as crap.”  Continue reading “Taking Advice From The Founder Of Crocs: When In Doubt, Blame Taylor Swift”

Matthew Fox Lives In Bend, Oregon?

After reading a slightly unsurprising report that Matthew Fox had been taken into custody for a DUI after a drunken search for fast food, I learned one useful thing that I probably already knew but forgot – he lives in Oregon.

Alright, so it’s not MEGAN Fox, but it’s a Fox. Better than nothing.

A Party Of Five Fox, complete with Charlie Salinger face scruff – a mere three hours from my house, in Bend (that’s Central Oregon’s largest city, for all the non rain-soaked bicycle-riding hippies who aren’t in the know).

Fox moved there in 2010 with his wife and two kids after living in Hawaii for Lost. He lives on a 10-acre property on top of a dormant volcano amidst Willamette National Forest where he can be closer to his cousin.  Continue reading “Matthew Fox Lives In Bend, Oregon?”

Amanda Bynes Has An Easter-Themed Mugshot

This morning (3:00 a.m. exactly) was eventful for Amanda Bynes. In an unfortunate turn of events, the What I Like About You star sideswiped a police car, was pulled over and arrested for failing a sobriety test.

As you can see, her pink-haired mugshot arrives just in time for resurrection-of-Jesus-day.

Speaking of that, I was playing Draw Something last week with some random boy and when the word “easter” came up he draw three graves complete with morbid crosses and the words “He is risen” instead of a nice bunny.

Come on kid, Easter is like Halloween but without all the skeletons. It’s about chocolate and boiled eggs, not Jesus. And if the right letters had been there I would have guessed “dracula” for that drawing. WTH.  Continue reading “Amanda Bynes Has An Easter-Themed Mugshot”

Bobby Brown’s Inevitable Post-Whitney DUI

People associated with Whitney Houston have been in the ultraviolet solar flare-sized spotlight lately. Bobbi Kristina, who is dating her adopted brother while she contemplates changing her last name.

Chaka Khan and Kelly Price tiptoeing around questions about seeing Whitney intoxicated right before her tragic death at the Beverly Hilton Hotel where she died of drowning with cocaine, marijuana, Xanax and muscle relaxants in her system.

And the men in Whitney’s life, well, they’re no better. Ray J trying to deflect ridiculous claims that he had something to do with his girlfriend’s death.  Continue reading “Bobby Brown’s Inevitable Post-Whitney DUI”