Gaga’s Engagement Ring is a Bloody Giant Heart

lady gaga ringJust Kidding.

Lady Gaga of the meat dress-having, singing-while-covered-in-blood and eating-designer-cakes-dripping-with-red-dye persuasion, did NOT receive anything crazy for her engagement, but she did get a completely normal heart-shaped ring from her boyfriend, television firefighter and werewolf Taylor Kinney, for Valentine’s.

Kidding again. Gaga’s ring isn’t normal, it’s huge and probably worth a million dollars. The biggest shock here is one of the following multiple choice options:

1.  You can buy a ring like this at almost any high-end jewelry store.
2. Nobody was hired to pry it from the cold dead fingers of Alexander McQueen
3. Gaga is marrying not only a human man from Earth, but a pretty regular guy

 

 

 

 

 

George Clooney Put a Ring on the Girl he’s Penetrating for the First Time Since 1989

George Clooney Amal Alamuddin vacationThe last time George Clooney was married, he was famous enough for TV movies, Roseanne and Return of the Killer Tomatoes.

And what makes Amal Alamuddin aka Anal Aladdinthe woman he’s decided to settle down with, different from Elisabetta Canalis, Stacy Keibler and the other waitresses and aspiring dancer-models Clooney recruits as dual companions and sperm depositories for two years at a time?

She’s smart, for one. A bilingual British writer and lawyer with a high-profile clients like Julian Assange. (The main draw is the secret Crown Royal spigot implanted in her spine.)

Alamuddin’s law firm, along with his blabbermouth mother and father, are to blame for leaking the engagement news.  Continue reading “George Clooney Put a Ring on the Girl he’s Penetrating for the First Time Since 1989”

Kelly Osbourne Spray Paints the Night Away After Becoming Single

Justin Bieber Kelly OsbourneKelly Osbourne took graffiti lessons from none other than Justin Bieber and posted proof of the event on Instagram on the very same day she announced that her and Matthew Mosshart would no longer be getting married.

“The split is amicable and the pair continue to have nothing but the utmost respect for one another,” a statement released to Us Weekly read. “Kelly is looking forward to a new year full of fresh beginnings. No further comments will be provided by all parties and we request privacy, decorum and space from the press but don’t expect it.”

Here’s my dream scenario, Kelly dates Justin and eventually takes him home to meet her dad, the Prince of Darkness, who promptly bites off his head off and spits it into a bowl full of Altoids Sours.

Miley and Liam Call it Quits for Good

Miley Cyrus Liam Hemsworth holding handsAfter months of following and unfollowing each other on Twitter, not appearing in public together, and her not appearing in public with her ring, reps for both Miley Cyrus and Liam Hemsworth have confirmed that their engagement is over.

I’m guessing he did it because she’s really, really gross and he can totally do better by dating a cigarette butt or a cow skull. I thought she was weird and terrible when she had long brown hair in The Last Song and hadn’t completely been cut from the chain that kept her from twerking and sweating from her tongue like a Golden Retriever.

The VMAs and “Wrecking Ball” are what happens when Billy Ray sleeps.

What Does Angelina Jolie’s Engagement Mean For Society? – More Pictures Of Her Hands!

Angelina Jolie’s recent engagement to Brad Pitt, father of her children and partner for seven years means doesn’t mean much to humanity. You’re just going to see a ton of pictures of her left elongated spider hand and the ring that adorns it.

Before you say it, Jennifer Aniston does not care about this news There are even [unlikely] rumors that she might go to the wedding. And how good would that feel? Showing up with Justin Theroux, looking happier than ever, relieved not to be with that toolbox that left her for another woman. Hopefully she gets a plus two invite so she can bring Chelsea Handler.  Continue reading “What Does Angelina Jolie’s Engagement Mean For Society? – More Pictures Of Her Hands!”

Denial Ain’t Just A River In Egypt, Miley

So maybe Miley Cyrus isn’t engaged. She may wear what looks like a wedding ring on her fourth digit but she’s adamant about it not being anything of the sort.

She’s repulsed that you’d think so because it’s “a topaz.” GOSH.

Rumors continue to swirl despite her rampant denial and continuous efforts on Twitter, like referring to Liam Hemsworth as her “boyfriend.”

Perhaps Tweeting a picture of your hand spread out like a Thanksgiving turkey with a diamond in it isn’t the best idea? Continue reading “Denial Ain’t Just A River In Egypt, Miley”

Matthew McConaughey Engaged To Camila Alves

On Christmas day Matthew McConaughey proposed to his Brazilian model girlfriend of nearly six years. The announcement came from his WhoSay account with the words “Just asked Camila to marry me,” beneath this picture of them smooching it up.

Camila Alves and Matt McConaughey have two children both under the ages of four, in 2008 the notorious bachelor told People that he always wanted to be a father and it just took “the right woman and the right time to make it happen.”

Now it seems that it’s taken the same “right” woman for him to tie the knot with as well. I do agree with the backwards method. Have a kid or two first, get married later. Who wants two lifetime commitments at once?.

Tiki Barber Is Engaged

Former NFL star and RB for the New York Giants, Tiki Barber got engaged over the weekend to Traci Lynn Johnson, the woman he may or may not have cheated on his pregnant wife with in 2009.

Barber retired in 20o7 but is looking to make a comeback in the 2011 season though he has not been chosen by a team yet.

Traci Lynn Johnson was an intern with NBC while Tiki was working as a football analyst. He tells the media that his marriage to Ginny Cha, who he’d been married to since 1999, fell apart long before he dated Traci Lynn.

Continue reading “Tiki Barber Is Engaged”