Mirrors Are For Ugly People: Angelina Jolie Shows Up to Premiere With White Stuff all Over Her Face

Angelina and brad The Normal Heart Angelina Jolie white face
Angelina Jolie‘s makeup put-er-on-er let her down in a big way. Jolie arrived at a screening of her husband’s film, The Normal Heart with flour or cocaine all over her cheeks and nobody bothered to tell her!

That’s right, the most beautiful woman in the world forgot to look in a mirror…

Brad probably thought about mentioning it, but was afraid she’d spit venom and then a tail with a stinger would come out from under her dress and burning green venom would fly out of her lips as soon as he did.

You know, method acting to prepare for her role as a giant scorpion in Jurassic World. 

“What looks perfect in normal lighting can appear totally different when you have the harsh lights of flashing cameras on you,” Mark celebrity makeup artist Jamie Greenberg tells Us Weekly. “Many women think you can just touch up with any powder for a red carpet event, but all powders have different finishing textures.”

Mystery of the white woman doing whiteface, solved. Whoever chose that powder has no business working with anyone but people who don’t matter, like the cast of Sharknado 2. And redheads.  Continue reading “Mirrors Are For Ugly People: Angelina Jolie Shows Up to Premiere With White Stuff all Over Her Face”

Stories I’m too Lazy to Write About [4-3-14]

R.I.P. … True Blood is ending after 2014. (Uproxx)

And hereee’s RoboCop eating donuts… (Grouchy Muffin)

 David Letterman retiring in 2015.  (Rolling Stone)

30 people confirmed dead in WA mudslide. (Yahoo!)

Nene Leakes looks contemplative in ’92 mug shot. (ohmyGAHH)

Wayne Gretzky’s daughter did Golf Digest?? (Deadspin)

Shakira lights herself on fire for “Empire” vid. (Idolator)

Cameron Diaz made a sex tape. (ComingSoon)

Clay Aiken’s Dreamcoat Speaks For Itself

Clay Aiken dreamcoat promoIf this promotional picture of Clay Aiken from a Maine production of Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat speaks for itself then why the hell am I filling this section with text at all? Habit? Fear that Clay Aiken fans will dislike the tone of the title and threaten me?

…No that’s definitely not it. I’m more likely to get attacked by a deer with Asperger’s.

I say that because I’ve been watching Parenthood lately, and also there was a socially questionable deer that used to wander into our yard when I was a child, but it had the opposite of Asberger’s, like no matter how hard you stomped your foot, put on a camouflage vest and threatened to turn him into jerky, the damn thing would still eat the roses.

Continue reading “Clay Aiken’s Dreamcoat Speaks For Itself”

Justin Bieber’s Mom is Truly Always Watching Him

Justin Bieber eye tattoo Justin Bieber just got a tattoo of his mom’s eye on his inner elbow because even though they probably don’t talk that much and it won’t keep him from spitting on people and turning yellow buckets yellow-er, he technically loves her because she’s responsible for his fame and owns his soul forever.

And it’s actually the best tattoo on his gross gangly body.

I guess he’s moving towards looking more like the perfect combination of fully-tatted Rob Van Winkle of today and circa 1990 “Ice Ice Baby” flat-top Vanilla/brunette Dolph Lundgren.

Speaking of people named Rob, Justin’s message on Instagram, “Moms always watching,” really reminds me of when Rob Kardashian said that it’s weird having Kris Jenner’s face on his right arm because that’s the one he employs solely for whacking and taking handouts from his sisters.  Continue reading “Justin Bieber’s Mom is Truly Always Watching Him”

The Twist Is Hiring! Contributors Wanted

Okay, so “hiring” would suggest that this is a paying job and it wouldn’t be, at least not yet.

I’ve actually been trying to lure people into writing a few posts for me a week for several months now but have had no luck with Craigslist.

The Twist has grown exponentially since it’s launch in August of 2011 with over a million hits total and around 7,000 a day and upwards, at this point. I’m starting to get a little worn down, not that I’d ever stop.

If you constantly find yourself making fun of celebrities, this is the perfect job for you. Express yourself, without being a tired hag who wishes she could suck the youth out of Lady Gaga.

Continue reading “The Twist Is Hiring! Contributors Wanted”