Ermahgerd I Need Somebody to Hibernate With Until ‘Game of Thrones’ Comes Back

With four major deaths and a fight scene just as epic as the Mountain/Viper showdown, the Game of Thrones finale was everything we hoped for except that it was only the 10th episode and that one guy who was evil but oddly likable totally croaked either by a crossbow bolt or a sword/falling down a hill.

But honestly, how on earth will you spend your Sunday nights now that Thrones is over??

I know I’ll be parading around pretending like this will be the finale that causes me to read all the Song of Ice and Fire books as soon as I have a free second. (Which is never, because I’m always busier scratching my nose until my brain leaks out.) Continue reading “Ermahgerd I Need Somebody to Hibernate With Until ‘Game of Thrones’ Comes Back”

‘Faking It’ Recap: Three To Tango

Faking it threesome episode
This year, MTV birthed a very decent show in the vein of Awkward called Faking It about a teenage girl who realizes she’s falling for her best friend after they decide to pretend to be lesbians in order to stand out at their ultra-liberal high school in Austin, Texas.

Struggling with sexual identity may not necessarily be a relatable theme, but having feelings for someone you can’t have is, and that’s what makes the show special.

In the sixth episode of Faking It, Amy (Rita Volk, the potentially gay one) reluctantly agrees to have a threesome at the request of Karma (American Idol contestant Katie Stevens, the straight friend), who desperately wants to lose her virginity to the “hot guy” character, who, like all heartthrobs on TV, is constantly referred to by his first and last name.
rules of a threesome faking it
As expected, the unsure-ness of what’s to come gets to all three parties, and begins with awkward silences and glances back and forth…   Continue reading “‘Faking It’ Recap: Three To Tango”

Why Do People Put Things There?: A Question Not Even ‘Sex Sent Me to the E.R.’ Can Answer

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Kinky role-playing ends up in the emergency room. There is a television show on TLC called “Sex Sent Me to the E.R.” This episode stuck in my mind because of the previous post from a book titled “Stuck up.” Stories like these make me wonder why people feel the need to put very odd things in places they don’t belong.

A Canadian couple by the name of Jason and Michelle decides to role play. She a princess and he was a fire breathing dragon. Handcuffs were involved in this role playing (I am unsure why a dragon would handcuff a princess), and the keys ended up in her vagina (like you didn’t see that coming). This event ended with them in the emergency room, and MORE bad news.

At first the couple pretended not to know what was wrong hoping the doctor would find through an exam. Whenever something bad happens to me that I’m embarrassed about, I think “it can be worse.”  Continue reading “Why Do People Put Things There?: A Question Not Even ‘Sex Sent Me to the E.R.’ Can Answer”

King Joffrey Actor Jack Gleeson Says Purple Wedding Scene ‘Was Fun’

Joffrey there's no cure for being aLast night’s episode of Game of Thrones, titled “The Lion and The Rose,” featured the long-awaited union between Joffrey Baratheon and the redhead with the good boobs known to fans of the series as the “purple wedding,” and holy crap, I haven’t been this happy since my mom got me a golden retriever puppy in third grade.

For weeks I’d been trying to figure out what the hell a purple wedding even was, and I’m not going to say anything spoiler-y, I’m just going to tell you to watch it. Be one of the million oomanz to illegally download it. Get HBO. Read the book. I don’t care…

On filming the now-famous scene, Jack Gleeson saidIt was fun in the end, but kind of stressful to be so focused, but acting like you’re completely unfocused. Difficult, but exciting.”   Continue reading “King Joffrey Actor Jack Gleeson Says Purple Wedding Scene ‘Was Fun’”

Summer is Never Coming: The ‘Game of Thrones’ Episode That Broke Me [Spoilers]

Richard Madden Michelle Fairley kissIf you read ahead and still complain about Game of Thrones spoilers after this paragraph I’m going to tie your hands to a radiator in a room with a television that plays nothing but the rape scene from both versions of Last House on the Left, the second half of Million Dollar Baby and Boys Don’t Cry and grandpa’s dinner portion of The Texas Chain Saw Massacre.

Call me a drama queen all you want, but that Red Wedding scene from the second-to-last episode of GoT may have been worse than any scene from the aforementioned movies.

There’s a video circulating of fans who didn’t read the third book (I’m currently on the second), A Storm of Swords, after its publication in 2000, reacting to HBO’s airing of The Rains of Castamere on June 2, 2013, and none of their face-covering and minor screams compare to my full-blown temper tantrum.

Continue reading “Summer is Never Coming: The ‘Game of Thrones’ Episode That Broke Me [Spoilers]”

Jon Snow Just Lost His Virginity

Kit Harington Game of Thrones season 3
Game of Thrones spoiler alert: bastard son of Ned Stark and former Night’s Watch pledge Jon Snow (Kit Harington) just got his cherry popped by that sneaky redheaded wildling Ygritte (Rose Leslie).

In episode five of season three, “Kissed By Fire,” Ygritte lures Snow into a naked embrace by stealing his sword and running into a sexy hot springs cave.
Jon Snow and redhead
Unable to resist her pickup line (“You swore some vows; I want you to break ’em”), he falls headfirst into her vagina, trying out some tricks that lead her to question if it was actually his first time.  Continue reading “Jon Snow Just Lost His Virginity”

I bet she gets killed at the end…

Rihanna Law and orderIn a story that’s only a couple years late (it happened in 2009), Law and Order: SVU is looking to capitalize on the Chris Brown’s Grammy night assault of then (and now current?) girlfriend Rihanna. Here’s the episode summary:

A promising singer is brutally attacked by her boyfriend, a popular hip hop star. ADA Barba (guest star Raul Esparza) works to build a case, but the victim refuses to aid the prosecution and, despite Detective Benson’s (Mariska Hargitay) best efforts, continues to put herself in danger. The case quickly spirals into a media circus, perpetrated by both the defendant and his uncompromising attorney (guest star Jeffrey Tambor).  Continue reading “I bet she gets killed at the end…”

Disney Just Bought Lucasfilm For $4 Billion, Will Release A New Star Wars Film In 2015

Holy crap. Walt Disney Pictures bought Lucasfilm and the rights to Star Wars for $4.05 billion dollars today. And that’s not all. Disney CEO Bob Iger says new movies are on the way!

“The expectation is we’ll release 2 and 3 [‘Episode 8’ and ‘9’] … probably on a cadence on every other year [after 7 in 2015], and then go from there. … The film is what I’ll call early stage development right now,” Iger said in a conference call.

Here’s the official statement from George Lucas:  Continue reading “Disney Just Bought Lucasfilm For $4 Billion, Will Release A New Star Wars Film In 2015”

Beth Behrs Goes Brunette On ‘2 Broke Girls,’ Looks Even More Like Lea Michele

The season two premiere of 2 Broke Girls aired on Tuesday and in the episode, titled “And The Hidden Stash,” Caroline (Beth Behrs) and Max (Kat Dennings) visit Caroline’s father in jail, who tells them to go to an estate auction featuring her family’s possessions to acquire a horse-jumping trophy.

This calls for one half of the most hilarious television pairing since Monica and Rachel to put on a disguise – a brunette wig.

And speaking of Rachel, Rachel Berry of Glee, that is, Beth Behrs looks enough like Glee‘s Lea Michele in a brown-haired wig to make everyone wonder if they do in fact share DNA. Kind of like how Dennings shares devil genes with Hilary Duff.  Continue reading “Beth Behrs Goes Brunette On ‘2 Broke Girls,’ Looks Even More Like Lea Michele”

Drake’s ‘Oh S**t, There’s An Earthquake!’ Face

Ashton Kutcher returned as a host for a special episode of Punk’d that aired before the MTV Movie Awards on Sunday to play pranks on Drake and Kim Kardashian.

In all his manic bravado, he brought up one important point, this redesigned season of the show has kind of sucked in that three of the victims (Rob Dyrdek, Joe Jonas, and Aimee Teegarden) figured out they were getting Punk’d.

Kutcher said, “What’s happened thus far has been a fuckin’ travesty.”

“I think it’s time to step it up a notch. We’ve been running at like a seven thus far, and I think it’s time to take it to like a 14.”  Continue reading “Drake’s ‘Oh S**t, There’s An Earthquake!’ Face”

‘Dexter’ Season 6 Premiere Recap, Stomach Snakes and Blowjobs

Dexter Morgan, the blood-spatter analyst with a “moral” serial-killing hobby is back in season six – which introduces all kinds of new characters and story lines, plus a new case and villain for him to idolize, obsess over, and then grow tired of.

The premiere episode, titled “Those Kinds of Things,” was both exciting and unsettling for a fan. We see Dexter having more “fun” than he has in a long time. During one of his many killing adventures – he’s less sneaky/brooding/careful murderer, more action/suspense movie violent/crazed.

(Spoilers and NSFW pics ahead)…

Continue reading “‘Dexter’ Season 6 Premiere Recap, Stomach Snakes and Blowjobs”

Jersey Shore Season 4 Premiere, Recap! (Snooki’s Workout + Jwoww’s Botox)

That’s right, tonight was a very special night. Another important moment in nothingness. Season four of Jersey Shore has finally arrived. The show premiered in Italy with many questions to be answered. Well, honestly, I had no questions. I knew that 1. there will be a car accident. 2. The cast is just as stupid in Italy as in America. And 3. everyone is going to “smush.”

The show starts out in the unfiltered smog of America’s poorly-aged butthole err garden state, NJ. Nothing interesting happens until the boys and girls, Mike “The Situation,” Jenni “Jwoww” Farley, Vinny, Pauly D, Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi, Ronnie and Sammi “Sweetheart” arrive in their new foreign home. Like everything else on the show, the new house looks like an imitation. A cheesy high-school project idea of what Italy would be. Marble, statues and pillars with red and yellow paint tossed in for good measure.

Continue reading “Jersey Shore Season 4 Premiere, Recap! (Snooki’s Workout + Jwoww’s Botox)”