WATCH: ‘The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug’ Extended Trailer

My description of the new Hobbit trailer is worse than my retelling of events in Syria (“bad guys” and “boom” over and over), but Dwarves are like, DIS MINE and then the dragon is like NOPE and Bilbo puts on the ring and Gandalf rolls his eyes in disapproval because he’s tired of always being right.

Expect lots of sexy beards, Smaug and a bunch of characters that were never actually in the book doing things that they would never do even if they had been.

(Benedict Cumberbatch telling Bilbo to step into the light is admittedly splooge-worthy.)

Evangeline Lilly Couldn’t Possibly Ruin An Already-Ruined Movie Trilogy, Could She?

Evangeline Lilly elfI have no qualms with Evangeline Lilly. I liked her on Lost even though the show sucked time-travelling buttholes for prematurely killing some of the best characters (Ana-Lucia, Shannon, Libby, Mr. Eko etc.) George R. R. Martin-style and making less sense than Ke$ha in a bookstore.

Lost rant done. The Hobbit rant loading… Eva-L.-not-Longoria has been cast as the completely made-up [by Peter Jackson and not J.R.R. Tolkien] warrior elf Tauriel in the new Hobbit movie, The Desolation of Smaug, and Entertainment Weekly has a first look at her all decked out in ren faire sh*t looking like one of the Merry Men in a grade school production of Robin Hood.

Read: The Five Most Irritating Ways Peter Jackson’s The Hobbit Deviated From The Book

Again, nothing wrong with Evangeline Lilly. Everything wrong with Jackson and his caca rendition of a masterpiece. (Plus braindead wardrobe people.) Lilly explained to EW that while Tauriel is “totally ruthless” and ready to kill, she will also “definitely have a love story,” possibly with Legolas.  Continue reading “Evangeline Lilly Couldn’t Possibly Ruin An Already-Ruined Movie Trilogy, Could She?”