Kendall Jenner Either Has Very Bad Eyes or Very Bad Reading Abilities

Kendall Jenner can't read After stumbling over the “direction” in “One Direction” at the Billboard Music Awards, even Kendall Jenner can’t decide if she has bad eyes or is simply terrible at reading. During the flub, she said “Guys, I’m the worst reader,” but then after the show she wrote on Twitter that she left her contacts at home and could see about as well as one of Kim Kardashian’s tapeworms.

This is what happens when the only person you grow up with who can read is an Olympian transvestite with too much eyelid surgery and arthritis from throwing javelins to actually open a book.

She is however, a model, and therefore probably speaks just enough broken English, French and Italian to order half a grapefruit and a cup of coffee in each country.

Double Balenciaga with a side of McQueen and extra Vuitton please…  Continue reading “Kendall Jenner Either Has Very Bad Eyes or Very Bad Reading Abilities”

Blue Ivy Has a Face (With a Mouth and Eyes!)

Blue Ivy Carter faceJay-Z and Beyonce may soon be able to retire and live off a steady income generated by road dog, friend and daughter, Blue Ivy Carter. Before birth, the announcement of Ivy’s existence almost broke Google and Twitter and made the 2011 VMAs the most watched in MTV’s history…

After birth, BIC’s heartbeat and screams on “Glory” helped her become the youngest person credited on a Billboard-charting song (watch the throne, Quvenzhané Wallis). Now her face, which we already saw last February, is causing a succinct, universal “awwww.”

Crashing servers left and right is Ivy’s unimpressed upside-down smile, taken from the HBO documentary, Life is But a Dream. Looks familiar, huh?

Stories I’m Too Lazy To Write About [9-18-12]

Toronto Blue Jay writes “You Are A Faggot” in Spanish under his eyes. (Deadspin)

New Robocop suit looks like a more plated version of Mass Effect armor. (Coming Soon)

Mitt Romney caught on tape admitting he doesn’t care about 50% of the nation. (The Guardian)

NBA star Jeremy Lin is still sleeping on his teammates couches. (Yahoo!)

Amanda Bynes’ uncle Rick wants her to ‘get help.‘ (Celebuzz)

The most downloaded artist in America is…. Drake. Rihanna most pirated worldwide. (Spin)

Christina Aguilera says there’s plenty of room for her and Britney on TV. (ONTD!)

Thieves drive car through window of Apple Store. (ohmyGAHH!)

Allison Harvard Does More Than Stare With Hypnotic ANTM Saucer Eyes

She sings too!…Yes, each year I become invested in one or two of the contestants on America’s Next Top Model, waiting for Tyra to inject the CW with a new batch of crazy.

During cycle 12 I became fascinated with the blood-obsessed doll-eyed porcelain-skinned weirdo, Allison Harvard.

You can imagine my excitement when I discovered that Harvard and a few of my other favorites, like giddy-country bumpkin Laura Kirkpatrick (whose granny sews all her outfits) and cuntasaurus maximus Alexandria Everett, would return for cycle 17.

Continue reading “Allison Harvard Does More Than Stare With Hypnotic ANTM Saucer Eyes”