Nicole Kidman Fell Over

20130912-162029.jpgA story about Nicole Kidman falling is no more news than a story about me sitting on the couch snorting crushed Wonka Candy and Moscato is because she’s as light as a feather and as white as Grandpa’s Ford Escort and was probably even blown sideways by Tom Cruise’s size 6 [in women’s] footsteps, but TMZ is running it anyway.

The site reports that Kidman was knocked off her feet by a paparazzi on a bicycle during New York fashion week. Cops were completely unsympathetic, saying “An accident’s an accident.”

Also, when they asked the offending photographer for his papers, he pointed at her. Because she’s WHITE, WHITE, WHITE LIKE THE LIGHT. (Electric Six song, Google it.)

Are Jennifer Lawrence and Rihanna Friends?

Rihanna Jennifer Lawrence instagramIt certainly appears that way.  Which is so unfortunate because Jennifer Lawrence is so awesome, and Rihanna’s so annoying a whore.

The two ran into each other at a restaurant in Paris during Fashion Week, and snapped this adorable picture.

Just look at the difference in the way they’re dressed.  Jennifer’s got that midwest charm, looking like the girl next door.  Gosh, she’s just great.  And Rihanna’s next to her looking like…that.  In a restaurant.  A restaurant in Paris.  Take a fucking shower. 

Jennifer just doesn’t look as into it–she probably doesn’t want Rihanna to touch her and get her all sticky.  And based on the picture’s caption–and the fact that it was posted from Rihanna’s account–it appears that Rihanna was the excited one.  I can see Jennifer’s point of view. I probably wouldn’t be into it either if it weren’t for the fact that if I ever met Rihanna in a restaurant, I’m certain she’d get me high and bang me on the table right then and there.  Because she’s Rihanna.  She does that stuff.  Continue reading “Are Jennifer Lawrence and Rihanna Friends?”

Katy Perry Steals Used Underwear From Granny’s Boudoir

Katy Perry made a splash when she wandered the streets of Paris (for fashion week) in some foam green creation that is likely from a suspicious thrift store that sells used underwear, probably stolen from the homes of recently deceased grannies.

Questionably obtained sheer skirt and drawers aside, I’ve always wondered, is she a mermaid? Will her legs slowly dissipate and transform into a long scaly tail that flops back and forth like Jessica Simpson’s knockers, Netflix stock, and Obama’s opinion on gay rights?

Her colorful hair and general lack of comprehension make me wonder such things for hours on end.

She also wore a very pointy ring, but I attribute that to her going to a dinner that honored Karl Lagerfeld, and she must’ve needed it to stab him in case he started mumbling about enslaving her for one of his German experiments.

Rose McGowan Looks Like An Alien During NY Fashion Week

I really like Rose McGowan, I think she’s funny and has a pretty decent career, appearing in one of my favorite movies, Jawbreaker, and favorite shows Nip/Tuck.

HOWEVER I don’t approve of her blatant plastic surgery addiction. In this photo of her at NY Fashion Week, her lips look like two pink burn-victim survivor slugs.

Her eyes and forehead seem forlorn, aggravated from all the needle injection points. Weird how most people who continuously get botox or cosmetic surgery are the ones who need it the least.