Video: The Weeknd – “Earned It”

At 4 minutes and 36 seconds, The Weeknd’s version of Fifty Shades of Grey is better than the movie. And instead of being summed up by an entire book with scenes featuring tampons and buttplugs that apparently turned on every woman in the world except me, this music video can be explained with a single gif of Dakota Johnson playing with The Weeknd’s hair tuft.
the weeknd hair dakota johnson
Ellie Goulding has also released a song from the weirdly good Fifty Shades soundtrack AND a bonus Nike campaign video of her running in tights. You’re welcome.

Horrible Movie Adaptation of Horrible Book ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’ Has a Trailer

Remember when Fifty Shades of Grey was all the rage? You couldn’t throw a rock without hitting a woman with secretion-stained underwear daydreaming about Christian Grey blindfolding her and stuffing her with buttplugs in the back of his private jet.

The least-romantic story ever, about a man who is entitled to degrade women he barely knows because he’s rich and handsome, is so backwards it reminds me of an article I was just reading about how doctors used to diagnose horny women with hysteria. (It was also about crank-up dildos that look like a drill and blowdryer in one.)  Continue reading “Horrible Movie Adaptation of Horrible Book ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’ Has a Trailer”

Underwear Model Jamie ‘Golden Torso’ Dornan Cast as Christian Grey

Jamie Dornan steamy photo gallery Hey depraved ladies and spicy gay gents, we have a new Christian Grey and he’s handsome and fit and has better hair than Charlie Hunnam!

If you haven’t seen Jamie Dornan‘s work as a steamy Calvin Klein Adonis as the Huntsman on Once Upon a Time or a pervy serial murderer in The Fall co-starring Gillian Anderson, take a deep breath and gaze into the physical prowess that may or may not make you say “Matt Bomer who?”

In 2006, Dornan was nicknamed “The Golden Torso” by the New York Times after he landed a small part in Sofia Coppola’s Marie Antoinette.

Like Henry Cavill and so many sexy time sex bomb dudes, Dornan thrusts his crotch in our direction mumbling the words “I don’t see myself as particularly good-looking” with a completely straight face.

Continue reading “Underwear Model Jamie ‘Golden Torso’ Dornan Cast as Christian Grey”

Charlie Hunnam Drops ‘Fifty Shades’ Faster Than You Can Say ‘Inner Goddess’

Charlie Hunnam slicked back hairCharlie Hunnam, beloved shirtless star of Pacific Rim and Sons of Anarchy, has backed out of Fifty Shades of Grey.

An official statement from the studio cites a scheduling conflict, saying Hunnam’s leather-clad role on Sons doesn’t allow him the time to prepare for the equally leathery role of Christian Grey.

This is clearly bullcrap, because he knew his exact schedule when he signed on.

A source tells Hollywood Life that Charlie didn’t want Fifty Shades to be “his version of Showgirls,” which seems much closer to the truth, because he’s too decent of an actor to become the laughing-stock of Charming, L.A. and England all because of a paycheck.  Continue reading “Charlie Hunnam Drops ‘Fifty Shades’ Faster Than You Can Say ‘Inner Goddess’”

Charlie Hunnam Insists He’s READY for Hardcore ‘Fifty Shades’ Sex Scenes

Charlie Hunnam suitCharlie Hunnam was accosted on Saturday at the Sons of Anarchy premiere by reporters who were completely uninterested in motorcycles. Instead, he was asked about sex scenes in Fifty Shades of Grey, which he says he is ready for because of an early role on Queer as Folkwhere he played the teenage boyfriend of an older man.

It was incredibly explicit sexual scenes with a man,” Hunnam explained. “I mean I’m 16 and 17 years wiser now. So if I could do it when I was 18 with a guy, I can certainly do it at 33 with a lady.”

He also assures us that he has boiling hot chemistry with Dakota Johnson, who will play Anastasia Steele in the movie adaptation of E.L. James’ salacious book.

“As soon as we got in the room and started reading with Dakota, I knew that I definitely wanted to do it, because there was a tangible chemistry between us,” he said.  Continue reading “Charlie Hunnam Insists He’s READY for Hardcore ‘Fifty Shades’ Sex Scenes”

Jax a.k.a. Charlie Hunnam IS Christian Grey

Charlie Hunnam gif eyebrows Christian GreyForget that Sons of Anarchy and Pacific Rim star Charlie Hunnam is too tall, too blonde and too British to play Christian Grey!

He’s sexy and that’s apparently all that matters when you’re casting 50 Shades.

Hunnam has been confirmed as the male lead in the erotic movie version of the bestselling book by middle-aged pervert E.L. James (I’m just jealous of her giant pile of $), after months of casting rumors mainly involving Ian Somerhalder and Robert Pattinson.

I really don’t wonder how he’ll do as a wealthy control freak abuse victim with a box full of ball gags because Fifty Shades of Grey is literally the stupidest, least tantalizing book I have ever read (still jealous).  Continue reading “Jax a.k.a. Charlie Hunnam IS Christian Grey”

Stories I’m Too Lazy To Write About [12-20-12]

If someone has to read Fifty Shades to you, make sure it’s George oh my Takei. (The Mary Sue)

Snooki hates the c-word, and if you say it around her, her ears will fall off. (Evil Beet)

God help us. Bryan Singer (X-Men) working on Twilight Zone reboot for CBS. (ONTD!)

Childkilling joke in This Is 40 will not be changed or removed. (Daily Mail)

And Kristen Stewart won’t be having an affair with Ben Affleck. (Huffington Post)

Amanda Seyfried tries to talk about popsicles without giving everyone a boner. (ohmyGAHH!)

Steve Buscemi and Steve Carell as magicians in The Incredible Burt Wonderstone. (Slash Film)

Heathman Hotel Offers Fifty Shades-Inspired ‘Inner Goddess’ Package

You need to know that when I was fishing for laugh-worthy excerpts in E.L. James’ Fifty Shades Of Grey and Fifty Shades Darker I had a bucket on hand. A bucket to puke in every time Anastasia’s “inner goddess” is mentioned (that’s a lot of bile, believe me).

I wished I had a bucket or at least an emergency paper bag nearby when I read that the Heathman Hotel in Portland, Oregon is offering two exclusive Fifty Shades-related packages for fans.

Unsurprisingly, the cheapest is the “Inner Goddess” add-on. For $40 you can drink wine in your hotel room that would I guess have been approved by fictional BDSM millionaire (“Anastasia, I earn roughly one hundred thousand dollars an hour”) Christian Grey.  Continue reading “Heathman Hotel Offers Fifty Shades-Inspired ‘Inner Goddess’ Package”

‘Fifty Shades Darker’ Excerpts (NSFW)

I don’t condone book burning, unless it’s the Fifty Shades Of Grey series. 

If I had Tyler Shields’ photography skills and a camera worth more than $150 dollars I would buy several copies just so I could take photos of myself ceremoniously tossing them into a massive bonfire.

I’m not supportive of E.L. James and her “talent” for writing erotic novels. Novels about the two worst examples of each gender – people who I would personally shoot on sight if they weren’t fictional.

Christian Grey, who was abused as a child and now does nothing but sexualize a woman (Anastasia Steele) feels oppressed by the fact that she’s allowed to vote and work someplace other than a brothel.  Continue reading “‘Fifty Shades Darker’ Excerpts (NSFW)”

Funny Video: 50 Shades Of Grey Karaoke

I’m glad the worst book of all time, E.L. James’ erotic BDSM novel Fifty Shades Of Grey actually had some positive effect, but only in terms of humor.

What would I do without Gilbert Gottfried reading excerpts or Jimmy Fallon’s “50 Shades Of Grey Karaoke” featuring “Hot Fudge Brownie Sex,” “I Found Some Baby Oil,” and “Whores Drawers.”

‘Fifty Shades Of Grey’ Excerpts (NSFW)

Fact: E.L. James (penname of Erika Leonard) once used the name Snowqueens Icedragon. Her bestselling typo-ridden erotica novels, the Fifty Shades Of Grey trilogy, was originally written as Twilight fanfiction and is huge right now.

The books are number one two and three on the New York Times Bestseller in four categories and movie rights have already been sold to Focus Features and Universal Studios.

James has also been listed as one Time’s 100 Most Influential People, all for a book centering around a virginal recent college graduate (Anastasia) who falls in love with BDSM billionaire Christian Grey.

He presents his new lover, Anatasia, with a special S&M contract with many dominance-related stipulations.

People who hate whatever happens to be the “big thing” in current literature, (be it Harry Potter, The Da Vinci Code, Twilight or The Hunger Games) might have more beef with this than anything in the past.

Continue reading “‘Fifty Shades Of Grey’ Excerpts (NSFW)”