Video: The Weeknd – “Earned It”

At 4 minutes and 36 seconds, The Weeknd’s version of Fifty Shades of Grey is better than the movie. And instead of being summed up by an entire book with scenes featuring tampons and buttplugs that apparently turned on every woman in the world except me, this music video can be explained with a single gif of Dakota Johnson playing with The Weeknd’s hair tuft.
the weeknd hair dakota johnson
Ellie Goulding has also released a song from the weirdly good Fifty Shades soundtrack AND a bonus Nike campaign video of her running in tights. You’re welcome.

Horrible Movie Adaptation of Horrible Book ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’ Has a Trailer

Remember when Fifty Shades of Grey was all the rage? You couldn’t throw a rock without hitting a woman with secretion-stained underwear daydreaming about Christian Grey blindfolding her and stuffing her with buttplugs in the back of his private jet.

The least-romantic story ever, about a man who is entitled to degrade women he barely knows because he’s rich and handsome, is so backwards it reminds me of an article I was just reading about how doctors used to diagnose horny women with hysteria. (It was also about crank-up dildos that look like a drill and blowdryer in one.)  Continue reading “Horrible Movie Adaptation of Horrible Book ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’ Has a Trailer”

Underwear Model Jamie ‘Golden Torso’ Dornan Cast as Christian Grey

Jamie Dornan steamy photo gallery Hey depraved ladies and spicy gay gents, we have a new Christian Grey and he’s handsome and fit and has better hair than Charlie Hunnam!

If you haven’t seen Jamie Dornan‘s work as a steamy Calvin Klein Adonis as the Huntsman on Once Upon a Time or a pervy serial murderer in The Fall co-starring Gillian Anderson, take a deep breath and gaze into the physical prowess that may or may not make you say “Matt Bomer who?”

In 2006, Dornan was nicknamed “The Golden Torso” by the New York Times after he landed a small part in Sofia Coppola’s Marie Antoinette.

Like Henry Cavill and so many sexy time sex bomb dudes, Dornan thrusts his crotch in our direction mumbling the words “I don’t see myself as particularly good-looking” with a completely straight face.

Continue reading “Underwear Model Jamie ‘Golden Torso’ Dornan Cast as Christian Grey”

Charlie Hunnam Drops ‘Fifty Shades’ Faster Than You Can Say ‘Inner Goddess’

Charlie Hunnam slicked back hairCharlie Hunnam, beloved shirtless star of Pacific Rim and Sons of Anarchy, has backed out of Fifty Shades of Grey.

An official statement from the studio cites a scheduling conflict, saying Hunnam’s leather-clad role on Sons doesn’t allow him the time to prepare for the equally leathery role of Christian Grey.

This is clearly bullcrap, because he knew his exact schedule when he signed on.

A source tells Hollywood Life that Charlie didn’t want Fifty Shades to be “his version of Showgirls,” which seems much closer to the truth, because he’s too decent of an actor to become the laughing-stock of Charming, L.A. and England all because of a paycheck.  Continue reading “Charlie Hunnam Drops ‘Fifty Shades’ Faster Than You Can Say ‘Inner Goddess’”

Joe Jonas Denies Having Fifty Shades of Sex Tape Whoopee With Swiss Girlfriend, Blanda Eggbeater

Blanda Eggenschwiler Joe JonasPut away your whackin’ hands. Joe Jonas does not have a sex tape. Or so he says..

This week, wondrous rumors that the A.J. McLean of Jonas Bros filmed a drug-fueled, bondage-themed sex tape with his girlfriend, Swiss model Blanda Eggenschwiler, in Argentina surfaced. The video reportedly featured Jonas – the Anastasia to Blanda’s Christian Grey – being paddled in a Buenos Aries hotel. (Everybody’s favorite part was when he became confused about how sex toys work and yelled  “Owww! Don’t do that anymore!”)

Sadly, Joe denied getting his ass punished by ol’ bland eggs in a statement. “There is no truth or validity to the story. It is completely false,” his rep told TMZ.  Continue reading “Joe Jonas Denies Having Fifty Shades of Sex Tape Whoopee With Swiss Girlfriend, Blanda Eggbeater”

Stories I’m Too Lazy To Write About [12-20-12]

If someone has to read Fifty Shades to you, make sure it’s George oh my Takei. (The Mary Sue)

Snooki hates the c-word, and if you say it around her, her ears will fall off. (Evil Beet)

God help us. Bryan Singer (X-Men) working on Twilight Zone reboot for CBS. (ONTD!)

Childkilling joke in This Is 40 will not be changed or removed. (Daily Mail)

And Kristen Stewart won’t be having an affair with Ben Affleck. (Huffington Post)

Amanda Seyfried tries to talk about popsicles without giving everyone a boner. (ohmyGAHH!)

Steve Buscemi and Steve Carell as magicians in The Incredible Burt Wonderstone. (Slash Film)

Fifty Shades Of Sasha Grey

Retired porn star/Entourage actress Sasha Grey is cashing in on the erotic novel craze brought on by E.L. James’ Fifty Shades Of Grey. And who better to compete with that franchise than a woman who starred in over 200 adult movies?

Deadline reports that Grand Central Publishing and Little, Brown UK have offered her a publication deal for an erotic novel called The Juliette Society.

“For the very first time I can create my own world, my own characters, my own story, and express my own vision with publishers who are just as passionate about the subject matter as I am,” Grey said in a statement.  Continue reading “Fifty Shades Of Sasha Grey”

Heathman Hotel Offers Fifty Shades-Inspired ‘Inner Goddess’ Package

You need to know that when I was fishing for laugh-worthy excerpts in E.L. James’ Fifty Shades Of Grey and Fifty Shades Darker I had a bucket on hand. A bucket to puke in every time Anastasia’s “inner goddess” is mentioned (that’s a lot of bile, believe me).

I wished I had a bucket or at least an emergency paper bag nearby when I read that the Heathman Hotel in Portland, Oregon is offering two exclusive Fifty Shades-related packages for fans.

Unsurprisingly, the cheapest is the “Inner Goddess” add-on. For $40 you can drink wine in your hotel room that would I guess have been approved by fictional BDSM millionaire (“Anastasia, I earn roughly one hundred thousand dollars an hour”) Christian Grey.  Continue reading “Heathman Hotel Offers Fifty Shades-Inspired ‘Inner Goddess’ Package”

‘Fifty Shades Darker’ Excerpts (NSFW)

I don’t condone book burning, unless it’s the Fifty Shades Of Grey series. 

If I had Tyler Shields’ photography skills and a camera worth more than $150 dollars I would buy several copies just so I could take photos of myself ceremoniously tossing them into a massive bonfire.

I’m not supportive of E.L. James and her “talent” for writing erotic novels. Novels about the two worst examples of each gender – people who I would personally shoot on sight if they weren’t fictional.

Christian Grey, who was abused as a child and now does nothing but sexualize a woman (Anastasia Steele) feels oppressed by the fact that she’s allowed to vote and work someplace other than a brothel.  Continue reading “‘Fifty Shades Darker’ Excerpts (NSFW)”