Shailene Woodley’s Naturopathic, Organic Lifestyle is Refreshing and Oddly Charming

Shailene Woodley Flaunt 2013
Shailene Woodley is one of my people. Like the daughter of one of my mom’s friends, foraging for roots and saving mouse bones and and analyzing owl poop. You know her, right?

She played Clooney’s troublemaking daughter in The Descendants and the goody two-shoes girlfriend in the realistic and touching no-nonsense indie drama The Spectacular Now. She’s also been cast as Mary Jane in the third Amazing Spider-Man movie.

I’m not saying she’s a serial killer with that bone and poop stuff, to be clear. I’m saying she’s a lovable, wonderfully eccentric hippie who cares about the earth and being spiritual without judging anyone and not leaving a carbon footprint and all that other stuff that seems so cheesy and kind of makes you want to puke because you know you’re inferior and couldn’t live without 2% beef and 98% possum organ Taco Bell meat.

Here’s a word about her not-very-American eating and living habits, from Flaunt:

I think everything about my lifestyle is fairly alternative,” says the star. “I gather my own spring water from mountains every month. I go to a farm to get my food. I make everything from my own toothpaste to my own body lotions and face oils.”

Woodley continued, “I make my own medicines; I don’t get those from doctors. I make my own cheese and forage wild foods and identify wild plants. It’s an entire lifestyle. It’s appealing to my soul.”

You go girl. Rubbing mercury on your face is no bueno. Put a stick in cancer’s spokes and let the sweet sweet dirty brown chicken eggs enter your basket.
Woodley Flaunt b&w
Nothing sexual going on here at all. I would say it’s one hippie to another but I eat way too much candy and light milk anti-antioxidant chocolate to identify as anything but a gluttonous technology-addicted slob.

I Look More Like Beyonce than Beyonce on Flaunt Magazine

Beyonce photoshopped flaunt Beyonce chatted up Flaunt Magazine about Pepsi and pizza and posed for some futuristic photos that just look absolutely nothing like her. Tyra Banks maybe, or Vivica A. Fox, but Bey? No. Anything to do with Pepsi and aliens gets me thinking and (laughing) about that amazing Lana Del Rey drag queen parody. (“I guess you could say I’m like the gangster Nancy Sinatra in that, like, she’s not a gangster and I’m not a Sinatra.”)

I know there’s constant talk of magazines photoshopping models and celebrities, but what about all the “artistic” shoots that still airbrush and morph everyone into barely human fossils of their former selves? They just get a pass, orrrr?

Who am I to talk though? I stay up until 5:00 a.m. with a goal of eventually melting the skin on my eyelids away until I look like the mutant baby from Total Recall.  Continue reading “I Look More Like Beyonce than Beyonce on Flaunt Magazine”

Leighton Meester Momentarily Satiates Flaunt Magazine’s Ass Fixation [PHOTOS]

Actress, singer and style icon Leighton Meester appears in Flaunt Magazine‘s November issue surrounded my male asses, showing her ass, and posing with a grabby-hands female model.

The cover has text exclaiming that this is “The Mother Issue,” with a subtle label below telling you to “blow your load.” Because nothing goes together like mothers and load-blowing. How Freudian. Now that Flaunt has succeeded in raising your eyebrows for all the wrong reasons, go ahead and read some of Meester’s anecdotes.

Motherhood: “I definitely want kids. It’s really important to me. I think it’s going to be the one thing I do. That’s your life, that’s the meaning of life. Besides art, which I think is definitely part of that. And that all goes in with love and making children – making art. It’s creating. I think that’s the meaning of life.”  Continue reading “Leighton Meester Momentarily Satiates Flaunt Magazine’s Ass Fixation [PHOTOS]”