Disney Beaches Reopened, Still Just As Infested With Gators

disney world alligator signThe beach alongside the Disney World lagoon where a young boy was drowned by an alligator has reopened with “heightened security,” including a before-sunset curfew and signs that read “You should have gone to California instead.”

Justtt kidding. The signs actually say, “Danger! Alligators and snakes in area. Stay away from the water. Do not feed the wildlife.”

Safety precautions or not, you couldn’t pay me to visit, because Florida is home to an estimated 1.5 million alligators and just as many venomous spiders and snakes. It’s also hot, crowded and full of young people that are way better looking than you and old people who are so close to death you don’t know if they’re talking to you or an invisible deceased relative in the corner.

Let me tell you a story.

I grew up near this golf course that was constantly flooding and full of red-winged blackbirds. People like my mom and all our hippie dippy friends were always trying to get the forest service to buy the land and just let it be what it was meant to be, but it never happened.

The entire state of Florida is the equivalent of that golf course, a giant natural wetland that we — a bunch of stupid humans — couldn’t resist building on. Except instead of harmless chirping blackbirds and cattails, they have gigantic teeth-gnashing reptiles that eat children. We have no right to be mad at anyone but ourselves because we displaced them, not the other way around.

Speaking of the macabre and unnecessary, a reported 240 alligators have been slaughtered by Fish and Wildlife in the past 10 years around The Most Magical Place On Earth. The commission, which is currently sold out of Statewide Alligator Harvest Program permits, also wants us to feel better now that they’re “confident” they killed the very same alligator that devoured 2-year-old Lane Graves on June 16.

No! Alligators are like grey pubic hairs. You pull one out, and three more come to the funeral and ruin your plans. The solution is to drug and blindfold all the Floridians and ship them to Arizona (it’ll be days before they even notice).

Excuse me, all Floridians except the Trump supporters.

Build a giant wall on the Southern borders of Alabama and Georgia, and let the scaly, bloodthirsty creatures have the state of Florida.

 

The Guy Who’s About to Win the Heisman Trophy is a Rapist

Jameis winston instagramSad truth: the 19-year-old frontrunner for the Heisman Trophy, college football’s greatest honor, is thought to have raped a woman last year. Florida State quarterback Jameis Winston allegedly assaulted a classmate he met at a bar and later took to his apartment back in December of 2012.

The case was made “inactive” due to a lack of evidence and the victim’s unwillingness to file charges, but there has been a lot of talk about Tallahassee police purposefully not pursuing the case due to Winston’s celebrity status.

The woman’s attorney released a statement revealing that local law enforcement officials refused to even interview potential witnesses, made his client out to be a drunk to the media, and threatened her by saying “her life will be made miserable” because Tallahassee is a “big football town.”

Ryan Lochte Can’t Even Lift a Teenage Girl

London Olympics Swimming MenWater caveman Ryan Lochte was injured a few weeks ago in Florida when he failed to catch a fanatical teen girl who jumped into his arms.

It’s especially sad and surprising that Lochte tore not one but TWO ligaments in his knee while attempting to lift a 110-pound girl, because we all assumed he was more brawn than brains, and now we know he’s neither. From ESPN:

COLORADO SPRINGS, Colo. — Olympian Ryan Lochte will miss next month’s Duel in the Pool, leaving the U.S. without its top male swimmer for the meet against a team of European all-stars.

Lochte tore a ligament and sprained another in his left knee on Nov. 3 after an excited teenage girl ran at him and the two fell over in Gainesville, Fla.

Maybe he got confused and thought the girl was his long lost daughter? Or a sandwich?

Justin Bieber Made a Half-Canadian, Half-Euro Baby in 2010

Justin Bieber Eiffel TowerJustin Bieber has a new baby mama, except this one is better/more scandalous because she’s older, from a different country and claims Justin was 15 (instead of 16) when she slept with him. Like baby mama #1, Mariah Yeater, the new woman makes Justin out be the predator even though the state he supposedly diddled her in has pretty strict statutory rape laws.

The 25-year-old European floozy says she met JB in Miami Beach, FL in 2010 during his My World tour. The night allegedly began with sexy Mozzarella Sticks at TGI Friday’s and ended with some rawdogging at at The Perry South Beach Hotel (formerly known as the Gansevoort).

Here she is, two and a half years later, sitting with her screaming toddler daughter seeking fame and fortune (which confuses me, because she refuses to identify herself).  Continue reading “Justin Bieber Made a Half-Canadian, Half-Euro Baby in 2010”

Latest ‘My Crazy Obsession’ Subject is a Mermaid, Man

my crazy obsession mermaid
In the second season of TLC’s My Crazy Obsession, a sort of spinoff of My Strange Addiction, we meet a young man who dedicates his life to being a mermaid.

What does being a mermaid, or merman, involve? For Florida-native Eric Ducharme, it’s all about sitting in a pond natural spring with a shimmery custom-made tail and diving under water.

Future and past episodes have focused on people obsessed with celebrities, Raggedy Ann, Christmas, rats, Cabbage Patch Dolls, and carrots.

Continue reading “Latest ‘My Crazy Obsession’ Subject is a Mermaid, Man”

Rod Stewart Is The Latest Cast Member Of ‘The Real L Word’

A lot of men turn into lesbians when they get older. It’s not a judgment or a speculation, it’s just the truth. Kyle MacLachlan, Bret Michaels, Bruce Jenner, Mick Jagger, Val Kilmer, and Steven Tyler are all victims of it.

The testosterone diminishes, beers are thrown back as the metabolism slows and the pectoral muscles morph into lusciously hairy b-cups.

This happened to Rod Stewart a long time ago, I’m not sure exactly when, but I’m sure he’s aware of it and just kind of said “fuck it, I’m a 67-year-old rock star and my wife’s a model with bad vision, it no longer matters if I wear a speedo show my tits to strangers on the beach.”  Continue reading “Rod Stewart Is The Latest Cast Member Of ‘The Real L Word’”

Nadya Suleman Strips For Cash, Food, Or Kind Words

People shouldn’t have initiated Nadya Suleman into the gossip world with the name “Octomom” because she already had six children before 2009, when the octuplets were born.

I hereby rename her “Tetradeca Mom,” for fourteen. So, let’s use it in a story.

Tetradeca Mom (so dinosaur-y) has reportedly booked a job at the strip joint T’s Lounge, in Palm Beach.

She will be going topless and will not offer lap dances. What a shame.  Continue reading “Nadya Suleman Strips For Cash, Food, Or Kind Words”

Mischa Barton Magically Changed Back Into Marissa Cooper

Since Mischa Barton‘s career skyrocketed for three years on The O.C. and then fell like piece of mythical space equipment there’s been little to report on except her minimal weight gain and lack of makeup.

I’ve been rooting for her to make some sort of comeback for several years now and it seems she may be close to doing so. Either that or she just looks better and plans on retiring to Miami, where these photos were taken. The problem with her is that she’s not willing to play a supporting role and climb her way back up, therefore she gets stuck with these bizarre bargain bin-destined DVDs like You And I, the tale of two girls who fall in love at a t.A.T.u. concert.

Continue reading “Mischa Barton Magically Changed Back Into Marissa Cooper”

Florida Woman Arrested For Injecting Cement Into People’s Rears

A transgendered Miami woman (pictured left) was arrested on November 18 for practicing medicine without a license. 30 year-old Oneal Ron Morris reportedly injected at least one patient with completely bogus substances such as mineral oil, cement, and “Fix A Flat” spray. Morris sealed the spot of injection with super glue.

The investigation began when a former patient of Morris’s was hospitalized after her body rejected the substances. The procedure was originally made to enhance the woman’s butt, and I guess it kind of works because Morris also sports a fake butt, check out her mugshot. (Though mug is hardly the right word)

Continue reading “Florida Woman Arrested For Injecting Cement Into People’s Rears”

22 Year-Old Woman Bites A Man, Claims Vampirism

After falling asleep in his wheelchair outside an empty Hooters in St. Petersburg Florida, a man (Milton Ellis) was awoken to find a woman he’d met earlier in the day biting him while saying,

“I’m a vampire and I’m going to eat you.”

Ellis, age 69, had met the woman earlier in town at a Shell gas station while she was supposedly waiting for one of her relatives to pick her up.

He asked her if she wanted to wait with him near the vacant restaurant, but he fell asleep, only to wake up to a nightmare based in reality…

Continue reading “22 Year-Old Woman Bites A Man, Claims Vampirism”

Brooke Hogan Is An Animal


[Photo by Jordan Michael Zuniga]

And when I say she’s an animal I don’t mean like, a Ke$ha Animal, not like a simple party girl, which she is, but literally an animal in a cage.

The semi-infamous daughter of now divorced Hulk and Linda Hogan, posed nude in a dog cage to benefit PETA, at the Cafeina gallery in the Wynwood Art District of Miami, Florida.

Continue reading “Brooke Hogan Is An Animal”