Arizona Player Pukes on Ball Before Snap

Arizona Oregon puking Remember the name Carter Wood, because that’s who’s tossing the football to his quarterback right after blowing Gatorade chunks all over it in the most memorable gif of this year’s Pac-12.

Wood’s stomach was apparently almost as decimated as his team, the Arizona Wildcats, who lost (51-13) to the Oregon Ducks on Friday.

Adrian Peterson Beat His Son With a Stick

ADrian peterson number 28More trouble for the NFL: Adrian Peterson went WAY too far disciplining his four-year-old son and is being taken to court in Houston for child abuse that occurred earlier this year.

According to documents, the well-known Vikings running back hit the child with a tree branch, causing bleeding and bruising to his back, legs, scrotum, hands and buttocks because he “pushed another one of Peterson’s children off of a motorbike video game.”

As a firm believer is not beating the shit out of children, I find this story especially disturbing. For one, my Mom never instilled harsher punishment than a time-out, a stern talking to, chores or revoking of privileges.

I’ve never felt right telling other people not to spank their kids, but this kind of punishment is absolutely unacceptable and one of the many reasons I would never feel right even attempting physical discipline.

Here’s why… Adrian Peterson’s lawyer has released a statement saying:

It is important to remember that Adrian never intended to harm his son and deeply regrets the unintentional injury.

So apparently, once his son was screaming and/or crying and putting his hands up to defend himself, Peterson realized that he might have gone a little overboard?  Continue reading “Adrian Peterson Beat His Son With a Stick”

Ray Rice’s Wife Calls His Suspension ‘Horrific’

janay rice knocked out gif unconscious elevator gif ray riceJanay Rice, the woman seen being knocked out in an elevator by her husband – Ravens running back Ray Rice – is defending his actions and slamming the media and the NFL.

Ray Rice was originally suspended by the NFL for a laughable 2 games after footage of an unconscious Janay being dragged across the floor surfaced on TMZ, but now that the full video of him straight-up Mike Tyson-ing her has appeared, they’ve changed their tune.

If there’s one the thing football organizations hate, it’s publicity. Not even necessarily bad publicity, but any attention (Tim Tebow, Michael Sam, Chad Johnson) that might distract from their players throwing balls, running with balls and slamming into each other with or without balls in their hands, and this is a classic and especially sad case of that…

Janay Rice wrote the following confusing comments about TMZ’s brutal new video and the fact that Ray is now out of Baltimore and suspended from playing on any team indefinitely:

I woke up this morning feeling like I had a horrible nightmare, feeling like I’m mourning the death of my closest friend. But to have to accept the fact that it’s reality is a nightmare in itself. No one knows the pain that media & unwanted options from the
public has caused my family. To make us relive a moment in our lives that we regret every day is a horrible thing. To take something away from the man I love that he has worked his ass of for all his life just to gain ratings is horrific. THIS IS OUR LIFE! What don’t you all get. If your intentions were to hurt us, embarrass us, make us feel alone, take all happiness away, you’ve succeeded on so many levels. Just know we will continue to grow & show the world what real love is! Ravensnation we love you!

Normalizing this kind of behavior is a huge problem, and Janay, the NFL, Ray and his ignoramus lawyer (who called it a “very minor physical altercation” back in February), are adding gallons of gasoline to the forest fire.

Ray Rice said in a statement that his wife is “so strong,” and that he in turn he has to be strong for her. Because you have to be pretty fucking “strong” to sleep off a punch like that.

Meanwhile, Browns’ WR Josh Gordon has been suspended for an entire year after testing positive for marijuana, with the NFL sending a clear message that domestic violence isn’t big of a deal as smoking a little weed, but both are trumped by ...say it with me this time… bad publicity.

Read: Ravens Player: Ray Rice Lied To Teammates, Has Lost Our Support

Hilarious Fake Lawsuit Has Johnny Manziel Sending X-Rated Hotdog-Themed Selfies

Johnny Manziel hotdogBrowns quarterback Johnny “Football” Manziel allegedly sent Dr. Drew On Call co-host Samantha Schacher a photo of his penis in a hotdog bun and a video of him dancing naked to “It’s a Small World,” in a $25 million dollar lawsuit filed in Florida.

The 1st round draft pick’s agent is calling the suit “1000000% fake,” and it’s more than likely that serial legal attention-seeker Jonathan Lee Riches is behind the whole thing. (Schacher denies ever filing it.)

Riches is the man who accused Kim and Kanye of being terrorists and Britney Spears of forcing him to buy implants and cocaine for her at gunpoint.

Read: The 18 Most Outrageous Things Johnny Football Has Done

 

Michael Sam to Become First Openly Gay Pro Football Player

Mizzou Football Media DayIf defensive end Michael Sam gets drafted by an NFL team in May, he will become the first currently playing professional football player to identify as gay.

Sam, who was named SEC Defensive Player of the Year for his work with the Missouri Tigers by the Associated Press, recently came out publicly in interviews with both the New York Times and ESPN.

In the sit-down with ESPN, he speaks of the hardships he endured as a child and young man. “Telling the world I’m gay is nothing compared to that,” he admitted. “That,” being multiple family traumas including witnessing the death of his older brother from a gunshot wound and having another brother go missing in 1998 while the other two sit in jail.

The NFL has released a message of support, saying they admire his “honesty and courage.”

“Michael is a football player,” the statement read. “Any player with ability and determination can succeed in the NFL. We look forward to welcoming and supporting Michael Sam in 2014.”  Continue reading “Michael Sam to Become First Openly Gay Pro Football Player”

Two Shirtless Chili Peppers, Manning Memes and Other Super Bowl Revelations

Bruno Mars Red hot chili peppersBruno Mars’ highly energetic albeit short Super Bowl performance silenced critics on Sunday and was definitely the best, most memorable thing to come from the event.

There were bets on how many Peppers would be wearing shirts, and you’d be absolutely frankentarded to not guess two, seeing as Anthony and Flea are as likely to be shirtless as Peyton Manning is to be as stiff in the passing pocket as a corpse that overdosed on Viagra.

A map showing who was rooting for who during the big game has surfaced, showing that a staggering majority of Americans (besides in Oregon, Washington and Alaska) were crying disappointed tears into their hot wings, pizza and beer last night.  Continue reading “Two Shirtless Chili Peppers, Manning Memes and Other Super Bowl Revelations”

Let’s All Take a Minute to Objectify Andrew Luck

Andrew Luck naked locker roomToday was a very upsetting day for me, football-wise.

The Eagles lost by two points to a team who had NEVER previously won a playoff game on the road… those damn voodoo-practicing, bayou bourbon-sipping swamp hobbits, the New Orleans Saints.

Before that depressing reality, Indianapolis made an impressive comeback against the Chiefs. But more interestingly, man-of-the-hour Andrew Luck was captured in an embarrassing half-naked locker room stance in a teammate’s tweet.

Culprit Pat McAfee later deleted this rare photo of a sasquatch in captivity (THAT neck beard tho), but not before it was saved to desktops and posted to every sports site on the internet. Whoops.  Continue reading “Let’s All Take a Minute to Objectify Andrew Luck”

The Guy Who’s About to Win the Heisman Trophy is a Rapist

Jameis winston instagramSad truth: the 19-year-old frontrunner for the Heisman Trophy, college football’s greatest honor, is thought to have raped a woman last year. Florida State quarterback Jameis Winston allegedly assaulted a classmate he met at a bar and later took to his apartment back in December of 2012.

The case was made “inactive” due to a lack of evidence and the victim’s unwillingness to file charges, but there has been a lot of talk about Tallahassee police purposefully not pursuing the case due to Winston’s celebrity status.

The woman’s attorney released a statement revealing that local law enforcement officials refused to even interview potential witnesses, made his client out to be a drunk to the media, and threatened her by saying “her life will be made miserable” because Tallahassee is a “big football town.”

Stories I’m Too Lazy To Write About [12-8-13]

These photos of NFL teams playing in the snow are absolutely INSANE. (Yahoo!)

Ellen and Portia jump on Kim and Kanye’s “Bound” train. (E! Online)

The goalie from The Mighty Ducks likes to pee on people. (TMZ)

Selena Gomez acts her age, rage quits Jingle Ball concert. (Daily Mail)

People who make fun of Carrie Underwood are mean satanists. (Evil Beet)

Susan Boyle diagnosed with Asperger’s / and finally, it all makes sense. (Jezebel)

One-armed 127 Hours dude arrested for domestic violence in Colorado. (Gawker)

Michael Vick Still Believes he’s the Sole Proprietor of the Eagles

Michael Vick eagles 2013The Chris Brown of football (I would say Kanye West if Kanye had overseen the eletrocution of Kylie and Kendall Jenner) got on Twitter and pressed enter without thinking, which is no surprise considering his ball-throwing accuracy and failure to form words without deserving an armbar from Ronda Rousey’s mom.  (Or any mom.)

Vick’s tweet in question read “we will redeem ourself,” in regards to the Eagles last two losses to the Chargers and Chiefs and their upcoming game against Denver which I at first thought was a mistake, but I now realize is just his way of saying that he IS the Eagles.  Continue reading “Michael Vick Still Believes he’s the Sole Proprietor of the Eagles”

NFL Finds Perfect Halftime Performer in Bruno Mars

Bruno mars halftime show poster Super Bowl organizers finally chose the right person for this year’s halftime show, and that person is none other than Grammy-winning songwriter Bruno Mars, who will perform a mixture of hits from his breakout album Doo-Wops & Hooligans and his equally successful sophomore effort, Unorthodox Jukebox.

I know you’re tired of Michael Jackson comparisons, but it’s hard to argue that he’s not the total package with that voice and those moves and an arsenal of throwback, horn-heavy hits like “Locked Out of Heaven,” “Grenade,” “Treasure” and “Just The Way You Are” after only being in the spotlight for three short years. (Not long by show business standards.) Continue reading “NFL Finds Perfect Halftime Performer in Bruno Mars”

Tim Tebow Cut From Patriots For Sucking at Life

tebow patriotsFormer Gators and Jets maverick Tim Tebow has been cut from his current team, The New England Patriots because he completely failed to impress Bill Belichick with his chesticles and gay bar-friendly face.

The no-trick pony that somehow led the Broncos to the playoffs early last year was not chosen to even be a backup quarterback to the equally good looking and far more gifted Tom Brady.

“I would like to thank Mr. Kraft, Coach Belichick, Coach McDaniels and the entire Patriots organization for giving me the opportunity to be a part of such a classy organization,” Tebow wrote on Twitter. “I pray for nothing but the best for you all. I will remain in relentless pursuit of continuing my lifelong dream of being an NFL quarterback.”

Some other team will likely pick him up and drop him faster than a baby with a unibrow. I hear the Bengals need a few new cheerleaders…

Funny Video: Peyton and Eli Manning – “Football On Your Phone” Rap

Derpy quarterback bro duo Eli Manning and Peyton Manning filmed a pretty great commercial for DirecTV called “Football On Your Phone” looking like one anti-swag Dana Carvey and one hair clone of Alice from the Brady Bunch both mastering Mr. Potatohead face.

“Look at this guy using his phone as a phone. Your phone ain’t for calling, your phone is for football.”
Eli Peyton gif football on your phone

Here’s Aaron Hernandez with the Murder Weapon…

Aaron Hernandez gunThis is [allegedly] a photo of former Patriots tight end Aaron Hernandez with the gun used to kill his friend, Odin Lloyd, in June at an industrial park in Massachusetts.

It’s a photo of a photo of a photo taken from a surveillance camera, so the quality is pretty bad, but the prosecution believes it’s of Hernandez is holding the .45 Glock used on the night of Lloyd’s death.

Either that or it’s just a picture of him holding another random gun on the night of the murder.

And O.J. and Casey Anthony were both innocent and global warming isn’t real.

Hernandez, who plead not guilty, has been linked to two other major crimes including a double homicide in 2012.

Former NE Patriot Aaron Hernandez Pleads Not Guilty to First-Degree Murder

Aaron Hernandez handcuffsNFL star Aaron Hernandez appeared in court today for the suspected murder of his friend, semi-pro Boston football player Odin Lloyd.

Hernandez plead not guilty to charges of first-degree murder and unregistered gun possession.

Massachusetts prosecution and police allege that the ex-Patriot’s tight end (he was let go by the team amid the scandal) either killed Lloyd, who suffered multiple gunshot wounds, or watched him die on June 17 and later destroyed evidence such as his cell phone and home surveillance camera.

Even though Lloyd’s body was found near Hernandez’s home and the two were clearly together on the night of his death, the defense believes the evidence is too weak for their client to be jailed. (The murder weapon has yet to be found.)

As for a motive, it is believed that Hernandez began to feel as if he couldn’t trust Lloyd after he was seen talking to a group of people he “had beef with.” This gang mentality seems to fit with reports that NFL teams and police were concerned about his drug use and “circle of influence” before he was drafted in 2010.

Continue reading “Former NE Patriot Aaron Hernandez Pleads Not Guilty to First-Degree Murder”

Evelyn Lozada’s Post-Chad Johnson Headbutt Photos are a Brutal Reminder of a Growing Problem

Evelyn Lozada cutThere is no bright side to getting beat up by the person you love, but if there’s one thing we can learn from photos of famous women like Rihanna and regular ones like Tina Nash — the British mother who tragically said “I miss the world, I miss everything, I feel like a ghost,” after an attack by her boyfriend left her permanently blinded — it’s that domestic violence is a worldwide problem that needs constant attention.

Raising awareness and speaking out on the matter is the least we can do.

For instance, TMZ just released photos of Basketball Wives star Evelyn Lozada with a nasty injury following last year’s headbutt by her ex-husband, NFL star Chad “Ochocinco” Johnson.  Continue reading “Evelyn Lozada’s Post-Chad Johnson Headbutt Photos are a Brutal Reminder of a Growing Problem”

Chad Johnson’s Bromantic Butt Slap is no Big Deal

Chad Johnson lawyer butt slapWhat’s going on in the world of sports besides the NBA playoffs and Tebow possibly signing with the Patriots?

Well, Bengals cornerback Adam “Pacman” Jones punched a woman for throwing a drink at him, and free agent Chad Johnson got in trouble for slapping his male lawyer’s ass at a probation violation hearing.

Jones pleaded not guilty (even though TMZ has a surveillance video), and Johnson is currently trying to talk his way out of a 30 day jail sentence because he made the whole courtroom chuckle.

“I don’t know that you’re taking this whole thing seriously,” the honorable judge so-and-so said. “I just saw you slap your attorney on the backside. Is there something funny about what’s going on here today?” 

Continue reading “Chad Johnson’s Bromantic Butt Slap is no Big Deal”