12 Dead in France Over Anti-Islamic Cartoons

charlie hebdo islam cartoonThe offices of the newspaper Charlie Hebdo came under gunfire earlier today by three masked men who killed 12 and left two critically injured in the worst attack on France since 1995’s Paris train bombing.

The gunman, who wielded assault rifles and a rocket launcher and yelled “Allahu Akbar” (Allah is the greatest) as they stormed the building, have been identified and the youngest attacker, 18-year-old Hamyd Mourad, has turned himself in. Authorities are working hard to locate the other two men.  Continue reading “12 Dead in France Over Anti-Islamic Cartoons”

Keira Knightley WEDDING DETAILS: Tents, Chanel, And An Old Renault

Keira Knightley wedding dressKeira Knightley got married today to her keyboardist husband James Righton (as in, “Right on James, you married the British version of Natalie Portman”) in the South of France. This is a big deal to me because I have tricked myself into thinking I discovered Keira when she was in Bend It Like Beckham. All I remember saying in 2002 besides “Kill me, I’m still in high school” had to do with that movie.

Blah blah blah soccer movie. David Beckham. India. Girl with short hair. Guru Nanak.

In 2003 I switched to “Did you see that girl from Bend It Like Beckham in Pirates of the Caribbean yet???”

Blah blah blah Johnny Depp. Rum. Elizabeth Swann. CLICK for gifs and stuff about her dress…

Kourtney Kardashian Finally Said ‘Yes’ To Scott Disick?

Looks like the romance of Paris may have gotten to Kourtney Kardashian.

Always unreliable Star Magazine reports that Scott Disick asked his two-time baby mama of over five years to marry him for the billionth time and she said YES.

“We’re all so thrilled they’ve finally decided to get engaged,” Scott’s loudmouth auntie Laurie told the publication. “We’re all so fond of Kourtney, and we wish them a long, happy marriage.”

The ring was purchased in October at Florida’s Levinson Jewelers.

Coming up on E! – the ring, the proposal, and take after take of Kourtney looking surprised on top of the Eiffel Tower.

Madonna Forgives Elton John, Calls Him ‘A Big Fan’ Of Hers

Madonna is “forgiving” Elton John for calling her a nightmarish fairground stripper cunt, mostly because she simply cannot believe that anyone could ever hate her.

Ms. Ciccone dedicated the song “Masterpiece” to her former friend at a concert in France on Tuesday night. She told the crowd,

“I know he’s a big fan of it. And I know he’s a big fan of mine. And you know? I forgive him. Gotta start somewhere.”

If you didn’t already know, dedicating the track that won Best Original Song at the Golden Globes over John’s Gnomeo and Juliet contribution to him is yet another not-so sly uppercut to the face of anyone who stands in her way.  Continue reading “Madonna Forgives Elton John, Calls Him ‘A Big Fan’ Of Hers”

Artie Lange Arrested In Paris

Comedian Artie Lange was put into a French jail after getting into an intense argument with his girlfriend (Adrianne something?) outside of a local theater last month.

He explained on The Nick And Artie Show that he flew into a rage and called her an “effing cunt.”

The cops arrived and attempted to calm him, but Lange “took a swing” at them, which ultimately closed the deal on his arrest.

Lange, who was booted from The Stern Show in 2009 due to substance abuse, says he was completely sober at the time of the incident.

I’d forgive him, but only if he yelled “YO ADRIANNE!!!” during the fight.

Tara Reid And Her Pancreas Are In The Hospital

Tara Reid has been hospitalized in France after “partying it up on some yachts in Saint Tropez and hitting up the town’s nightlife,” according to TMZ.

She suffers from Acute Pancreatitis which is caused by many things including autoimmune problems, blockage and/or damage to the pancreatic duct, high triglyceride blood levels, or injury to the pancreas due to an accident.

She’s likely in serious pain and I hope she gets better and cuts back on the partying.

I mean, check out that face. She looks like an 11-year old oriental shorthair in a hat and pink Adidas track jacket. It’s hard to have ill wishes towards such a vulnerable creature.

Katy Perry Steals Used Underwear From Granny’s Boudoir

Katy Perry made a splash when she wandered the streets of Paris (for fashion week) in some foam green creation that is likely from a suspicious thrift store that sells used underwear, probably stolen from the homes of recently deceased grannies.

Questionably obtained sheer skirt and drawers aside, I’ve always wondered, is she a mermaid? Will her legs slowly dissipate and transform into a long scaly tail that flops back and forth like Jessica Simpson’s knockers, Netflix stock, and Obama’s opinion on gay rights?

Her colorful hair and general lack of comprehension make me wonder such things for hours on end.

She also wore a very pointy ring, but I attribute that to her going to a dinner that honored Karl Lagerfeld, and she must’ve needed it to stab him in case he started mumbling about enslaving her for one of his German experiments.