George Clooney Put a Ring on the Girl he’s Penetrating for the First Time Since 1989

George Clooney Amal Alamuddin vacationThe last time George Clooney was married, he was famous enough for TV movies, Roseanne and Return of the Killer Tomatoes.

And what makes Amal Alamuddin aka Anal Aladdinthe woman he’s decided to settle down with, different from Elisabetta Canalis, Stacy Keibler and the other waitresses and aspiring dancer-models Clooney recruits as dual companions and sperm depositories for two years at a time?

She’s smart, for one. A bilingual British writer and lawyer with a high-profile clients like Julian Assange. (The main draw is the secret Crown Royal spigot implanted in her spine.)

Alamuddin’s law firm, along with his blabbermouth mother and father, are to blame for leaking the engagement news.  Continue reading “George Clooney Put a Ring on the Girl he’s Penetrating for the First Time Since 1989”

Famous Men are Paying to Have Their Balls Smoothed Out

danny devito glassesPowerful salt-and-pepper god George Clooney made “ball ironing” an actual craze when he joked that he’d gotten his unwrinkled.

The owner of a popular spa in Santa Monica says Hollywood is all over the non-surgical “Male Laser Lift” where the old willow sap bubbles are smoothed out, the hairs are zapped off and the age spots are erased.

According to the cosmetic expert with the porn star-esque title of “Nurse Jamie,” celebrities, bankers and CEOs are paying $575 for the process, which takes roughly 70 minutes. From the Daily Mail:

Like women, she explains her male clients are keen to ‘keep their garden kept’ and it’s purely for aesthetic reasons.  Continue reading “Famous Men are Paying to Have Their Balls Smoothed Out”

George Clooney’s First Sexual Partner, A Rope

In Rolling Stone, issue #1144 starring coverboy/Ides Of March governor George Clooney, we learn that he had his first orgasm while climbing a rope in gym class.

“It was while climbing a rope when I was six or seven years old, I mean, nothing came out, but all the other elements were there. I remember getting to the top of the rope, hanging off the rope, and going, “Oh, my God, this feels great!”

Also, the secrets of his youthful spirit are mapped out. For instance, the words “Johnson” and “fart” never fail to draw laughter from the 50-year old actor/director/humanitarian,

Continue reading “George Clooney’s First Sexual Partner, A Rope”