From Dot Matrix to ‘Fashion Police’: Why Joan Rivers Was the Best of Her Kind

It’s been two days since Joan Rivers passed away at the age of 81 after complications during surgery. After a week of crossing our fingers hoping that Joan might pull through, daughter and noted business partner, Melissa Rivers, was faced with the decision of taking her off life support.

A multitude of celebrities have shared an outpouring of supportive messages and stories about Joan, like Giuliana Rancic, who called her “The funniest woman” ever, adding that “She could put a smile on your face, instantly, no matter how hard your day was.”

So true, what better way to escape reality than listen to Joan Rivers insult people? I’m not being facetious, insult comedy is the best comedy. Anyone who says otherwise is Bill Cosby. And, not only was she a comedian, but an actress (who could forget her as the voice of the cockblocking robot Dot Matrix in Spaceballs?), an author and a Late Night host.

Joan was the female, television-version of Howard Stern, versatile as f*ck and completely unafraid to speak her mind and ask real questions. (A quality that almost got her blackballed from Hollywood.) I saw the most of Joan on E!’s Fashion Police, as a sanctioned truth-teller and critic of all things offensive to the eyes.  Continue reading “From Dot Matrix to ‘Fashion Police’: Why Joan Rivers Was the Best of Her Kind”

Mexico’s Golden Goalkeeping God Guillermo Ochoa Keeps Brazil at Bay


The World Cup is an amazing occurrence in sports to most, full of bright colors and whizzing balls on a field the size of space which usually excites me about as much as Ron Jeremy naked on a silver platter, but Mexico’s game against Brazil on Tuesday caught my attention.

…Or at least the muted highlights (seen here in glorious Gif form) on SportsCenter did.

Goalkeeper Guillermo Ochoa somehow managed to keep a tie-game interesting with his trampoline legs, Mr. Fantastic arms and steel chest. He’s The Avengers, Justice League and the Guardians of the Galaxy combined.  Continue reading “Mexico’s Golden Goalkeeping God Guillermo Ochoa Keeps Brazil at Bay”

A Gif Celebration of Gay Marriage Being Legal in Oregon


Throw your Home Depot gift cards in the air like you just don’t care, because gay marriage was just legalized in Oregon, officially making the entire West Coast a haven for men in leather and women in plaid boning in the middle of church and children’s bouncy castles.

And I’m speaking solely from the perspective of Oregonian FB commenters with too much time on their hands. Here’s what one Geoff Davey, voice of all homophobes, wrote:

A GAY RULING BY A SINGLE GAY JUDGE, Real surprise here. Why can’t men be men and women be women anymore, seriously? Is this some kind of evolutionary thing? if it wasn’t for the “wonders” of modern medicine, the human race would be doomed as procreation is not naturally possible through the anus or by one female licking the vagina of another.

Because with 7 billion people on the planet and the environment crumbling as a direct result, we really need to worry about the 15% who might not reproduce. 

Speaking of percentages, Portland seemed pretty happy about the news, and at least 70 couples rushed to the courthouse for licenses since the ban on same-sex marriage was lifted.

As amazing as this is, let’s take a moment to remember Eric Marcoux and Eugene Woodworth, the adorable old man-couple profiled by NPR last year, who were together since 1953 and just barely missed the ruling in their home state.

Not just them, but all the gay rights pioneers, past and present, who paved the way for future generations to not live in fear.  Continue reading “A Gif Celebration of Gay Marriage Being Legal in Oregon”

Adamant Baby-Haters Admit that Prince George is the Cutest

Kate and Prince GeorgePrince William and Kate Middleton’s baby was not just born royal, but born destined to experience a heightened level of fame that, at just 9 months old, he can not even begin to comprehend.

He wasn’t however, destined to be cute…

Cuteness is not guaranteed, and I know it’s considered taboo and possibly wrong to insult babies, but the fact is, most of them look like rotting potatoes.

William and Kate’s baby miraculously managed to be as adorable, with his mother’s grin and father’s rosy cheeks and premature baldness. Prince George is not only a hit with stuffy British adults, but also with the worldwide meme-loving brats of Tumblr, Imgur and the like, as seen in his first gifs, below…
Continue reading “Adamant Baby-Haters Admit that Prince George is the Cutest”

Video: Beyoncé – Partition (Explicit)

Beyoncé is a dedicated wife and mother, but in her latest clip, “Partition,” we see her do what she truly thrives at: performing. Do me a favor and read some lyrics before proceeding:

Oh he so horny, yeah he want to f*ck
He popped all my buttons, and he ripped my blouse
He Monica Lewinsky’d all on my gown

Oh there daddy, daddy didn’t bring the towel
Oh baby baby we betta slow it down

(By performing, I mean bedazzling her funbags and wearing floppy hats and elaborate lingerie that could only be undone by a Greek God with an industrial chainsaw. )  Continue reading “Video: Beyoncé – Partition (Explicit)”

Vin Diesel IS NOT the Dancing Male Stripper of Your Dreams


Vin Diesel may look like he could pick you up and throw you against not just the wall but the ceiling and possibly Earth’s atmosphere and beyond, but his “moves” on the dance floor leave something to be desired.

Click to watch VD in soldier garb doing sex eyes for the camera, sway awkwardly and mouth the words to Katy Perry and Beyonce songs he’s not super familiar. Continue reading “Vin Diesel IS NOT the Dancing Male Stripper of Your Dreams”

Stories I’m Too Lazy To Write About [2-1-14]


Shakira smokes a cigar with Rihanna in “Can’t Remember to Forget You.” (BuzzFeed)

America continues to beg Canada to take Justin Bieber back after second arrest. (Gawker)

Dylan Farrow begs Hollywood to stop praising Woody Allen in open letter. (NY Times)

A woman in Arizona tried to kill her husband with poop. Yeah, you heard me. (Jezebel)

More odd Man of Steel 2 casting: sequel will star Jesse Eisenberg as Lex Luthor. (Slate)

Besides the arrest, Justin Bieber ran out of milk, went to a strip club to find some. (Evil Beet)

And here’s a bunch of X Men: Days of Future Past character posters in Empire. (ohmyGAHH!)

Oscar Predictions: ‘American Hustle’ Will Probably Win Best Picture, But Like Jon Snow, I Know Nothing

jennifer lawrence thank god for me kitchen fire american hustle gif
The Oscar nominations list has been released and the important categories (best picture, actor, actress etc.) include a whole lot of the same non-crap we saw at the Globes, and I have a lot of questions.

Does Sandra Bullock spinning through fake space in a tank top and booty shorts constitute a nomination or is she just too beloved by the world Academy to ever not be honored?

Can Leonardo DiCaprio score his first win for the most picked-apart movie of the year, The Wolf of Wall Street? If Ralph Fiennes couldn’t win for Schindler’s List, then no, he can’t.

Like me, they still see Leo as the baby-faced Romeo who fucked Tilda Swinton on a beach.

I didn’t see Nebraska, Philomena (or “Phil-o-mania,” as DiCaprio called it last Sunday), 12 Years a Slave, Dallas Buyers Club OR Captain Phillips, so I’m rooting for the one I did see and liked. [David O.] Russell’s [AmericanHustle, not because it had an original premise, but because Christian Bale, Jeremy Renner, Amy Adams and Jennifer Lawrence are golden Gods and Goddesses all worthy of a statue or two.

Continue reading “Oscar Predictions: ‘American Hustle’ Will Probably Win Best Picture, But Like Jon Snow, I Know Nothing”

Video: Kanye West – “Bound 2” Feat. Kim Kardashian

Ray J may have made a sex tape with Kim Kardashian and written a song called “I Hit It First” but Kanye put a ring on it, had a baby with it and continues to hit it, making him the victor.

This becomes especially apparent in the new “Bound 2” video featuring vocals by Charlie Wilson (formerly of The Gap Band) and Kim Kardashian stark-naked on a motorcycle.

I haven’t been this turned on since Bruce Jenner’s ponytail

GIF: Britney Spears Bald With The Smurfs

Britney Spears sons smurfs gif
Bald Britney Spears gif she's completely bald
Britney Spears has had, what, two or three shots at “acting” in her career? There’s her movie, Crossroads and the ode to Titanic in the beginning of the “Oops!..I Did It Again” video…

…And then there’s an early episode of Punk’d (which doesn’t count), her British accent in “Scream & Shout” and HER WORK IN THE SMURFS -THEMED clip for “Ooh La La,” where she displays her worst acting yet using her slack-jawed X-Factor judge face as inspiration. (Beside her real-life sons.)  Continue reading “GIF: Britney Spears Bald With The Smurfs”

GIF: Skrillex KNOCKED OUT in Mexico


The man responsible for popularizing dubstep ran straight into a large and heavy piece of equipment on stage in Mexico City during 2012’s Mothership Tour. (Whomp whomp whomp / Bangarang?)

As Uproxx pointed out, it’s a great video whether you love or hate the genre because it’s humanly impossibly not to laugh at people when they fall straight on their ass in such a slip-of-the-peel type of way.

(I personally don’t hate Skrillex. Ellie Goulding gave him the time of day so he must not be that bad…)

Winona Ryder Yells Lines From ‘Heathers’ At Her TV

Winona Ryder yelling 2Winona Ryder isn’t that girl in class that raises her hand first. As far as celebrities go, she’s highly private and reclusive, especially in the years following Girl, Interrupted (1999) and her shoplifting trial (2002).

Thankfully, the beloved icon who debuted in 1986’s Lucas opposite Corey Haim and Charlie Sheen, later blazing brooding witty trails with Beetlejuice, Mermaids and Reality Bites, has recently put herself in the public eye just a tiny bit more than we’re used to.

In a brief Q&A with Parade, Ryder admitted to watching and reciting dialogue from her old movies when they’re on TV.

“Well, yeah! Now they’re considered golden oldies, which is awesome,” says Ryder, 41, whose latest film is The Iceman (in theaters May 3). “I was watching Little Women recently, and I didn’t want to get up for fear of missing something. And Heathers is like my own Rocky Horror Picture Show; I recite the lines when it’s on. It may seem odd, but I think it’s because they’re really good movies.”  Continue reading “Winona Ryder Yells Lines From ‘Heathers’ At Her TV”

Justin Bieber Faints From Exhaustion in London, Should Probably Retire

Justin Bieber shirtless hospital You don’t have to be a psychic to see that Justin Bieber is overworked and overstressed.

Yesterday, during his second to last consecutive show at London’s O2 Arena, he stumbled off stage and collapsed just out of sight of his fans. Like a stubborn injured quarterback, Justin returned to finish his set after being treated with oxygen.

O2 Arena is exactly the same venue he was booed at for showing up at least 40 minutes late because his combination bicep and penis pump broke of “technical difficulties.”

Later he went on Twitter for a meltdown about rumors, God, judgment and his tiny topless body.

Continue reading “Justin Bieber Faints From Exhaustion in London, Should Probably Retire”