The Best Non-Cosby Jokes from the Globes

Jessica Chastain goldeng globesWhen it came to Tina Fey and Amy Poehler’s Bill Cosby joke at the Golden Globes, you were either laughing hysterically (Lena Dunham) or completely losing your sh*t (Jessica Chastain). So fun seeing harmless Clooney’s-wife-could-do-better and Meryl Streep-has-a-million-awards jokes turn into I PUT THE PILLS IN THE PEOPLE.

There were of course other funny moments from the monologue which are being a tad overshadowed…

1. Amy, to Frances McDormand: Frances, I love you. Can I just say you’re the only person in this room that I would save in a fire?

2. Tina: George Clooney married Amal Alamuddin this year. Amal is a human rights lawyer who worked on the Enron case, was an advisor to Kofi Annan regarding Syria, and was selected for a three-person UN commission investigating rules of war violations in the Gaza strip. So tonight, her husband is getting a lifetime achievement award.

3. Amy: I didn’t like Gone Girl. I go to the movies to escape, I don’t want to just see myself up there on the screen.

4. Amy, on Reese Witherspoon in Wild: She did all of her own walking … Andy Serkis was great as her backpack.  Continue reading “The Best Non-Cosby Jokes from the Globes”

Angelina Jolie Releases Video Announcing her Chicken Pox, Glares Menacingly at Amy Pascal

Angelina Jolie glare amy pascalOne year after announcing a double mastectomy, Angelina Jolie wants you to know she’s f*cking fine and just needs a second to stop being scratching her beautiful face and body with her gnarled witch hands.

“I will be home, itching and missing everyone, and I can’t believe it because this film means so much to me,” she said in a video to her fans.

You see that photo? That’s not the face she made when she found out she couldn’t promote Unbroken due to her outbreak, it’s the one she made when she found out Sony executive Amy Pascal was a backstabbing, knob-eating slag who shit-talked her in emails.

Continue reading “Angelina Jolie Releases Video Announcing her Chicken Pox, Glares Menacingly at Amy Pascal”

Taylor Swift Disses Tina Fey and Amy Poehler, Says They’re Going Straight To Hell Without Passing Go

Taylor Swift vanity fairTaylor Swift took it a bit too far when she hit beloved funny-ladies Amy Poehler and Tina Fey with a stone normally reserved for her ex-boyfriends. In the latest issue of Vanity Fair, Taylor (who I THOUGHT had an okay sense of humor) says there’s a special place in hell for the Golden Globe hosts who light-heartedly told her to “stay away” from Michael J. Fox’s son, joking that she “Needs some ‘me time’ to learn about herself.”

“You know, Katie Couric is one of my favorite people,” Swift told Vanity Fair’s Nancy Jo Sales. “Because she said to me she had heard a quote that she loved, that said, ‘There’s a special place in hell for women who don’t help other women.’” 

I’d like to randomly mention that the favorited quote about women and fire/brimstone was originally delivered by Madeleine Albright at a WNBA game in 2006. I doubt our former Secretary of State would appreciate it being used maliciously against fellow feminists like Tina Fey.  Continue reading “Taylor Swift Disses Tina Fey and Amy Poehler, Says They’re Going Straight To Hell Without Passing Go”

Jennifer Lawrence DID NOT Diss Meryl Streep at the Globes, Was Merely Quoting a 90’s Favorite

Jennifer Lawrence David Letterman 2013Before you completely disregard Jennifer Lawrence as the egomaniacal monster who dissed Meryl Streep at the Golden Globes, hear her out.

On Tuesday, Lawrence told David Letterman that her intentions were never ill-meaning, and that she was simply quoting The First Wives Club when she said “I beat Meryl” after winning the Best Actress award.

“It’s never a good idea for me to wing it, but it was a quote from ‘First Wives Club’!” She told the late night host.

I’m not on Twitter, but Twitter is very upset,” she said, mentioning that she was toying with the idea of making a public statement after Lindsay Lohan (and many others) Tweeted about it.  Continue reading “Jennifer Lawrence DID NOT Diss Meryl Streep at the Globes, Was Merely Quoting a 90’s Favorite”

Best and Worst Moments and Fashion at the 2013 Golden Globes

Amy and Tina Golden Globes

Tina Fey and Amy Poehler Blew Ricky Gervais and all other hosts out of the water

For some reason, humanity has yet to come up with good word for the female version of a bromance. Regardless, Tina Fey and Amy Poehler’s girlmance/clam-admiration rivals all.

The two SNL funnyladies got laughs without really making fun of anyone. Do you have any idea how hard that is? No, you don’t, because they made it look SO DAMN EASY. Blast.

Tina: Tonight we honor the television shows that have entertained us all year, as well as the films that have only been in theaters for two days. 

Amy: That’s what makes tonight so special, only at the Golden Globes do the beautiful people of film rub shoulders with the rat-faced people of television [pan to Quentin Tarantino].  Continue reading “Best and Worst Moments and Fashion at the 2013 Golden Globes”

Jodie Foster Says You’re Dumb For Expecting a Jodie Foster Coming-Out Speech, is Not Retiring

Jodie Foster Coming Out SpeechEven though Jodie Foster knows that anyone who needs her to tell them she’s gay to believe it has to have the brain cells of a collard green, she finally decided to address the issue publicly in a very touching, very in-your-face speech at the 70th annual Golden Globes on Sunday.

“I hope you’re not disappointed that there won’t be a big coming out speech tonight, because I already did my coming out about a thousand years ago, back in the stone age,” Foster told a surprised, laughter-filled audience during her acceptance of the Cecille B. DeMille Lifetime Achievement Award.

Foster joked that she is “not Honey Boo Boo Child,” and that isn’t a travesty because her reality show would be “so boring,” then continued on about privacy being a thing of the past.  Continue reading “Jodie Foster Says You’re Dumb For Expecting a Jodie Foster Coming-Out Speech, is Not Retiring”

Jennifer Lawrence Envisions Saying ‘Screw All You Guys’ at Awards Shows (as Her Pants Fall Off)

Jennifer Lawrence awards season 2013Awards season has arrived, and after tonight, Jennifer Lawrence will already have attended The People’s Choice Awards, the Film Critics Awards and The Golden Globes.

Lawrence, who usually receives praise for her red carpet threads, tells E! News“I’m not a fashion person so me looking at a sketch is like looking at a long-division math problem. I just don’t know what I’m looking at so it’s really nerve-racking.”

And, in regards to acceptance speeches, recently single Lawrence (R.I.P., Tony from Skins) imagines a very specific worst-case scenario… Continue reading “Jennifer Lawrence Envisions Saying ‘Screw All You Guys’ at Awards Shows (as Her Pants Fall Off)”

Worst Dressed At The 2012 Golden Globes

Sarah Michelle Gellar’s 2 year-old daughter literally picked out her Monique Lhuillier tie-dye gown. 

It’s funny – I didn’t try on that many dresses. They had them all lined up and I was working all week and my 2-year-old walked in, walked up this dress and said, ‘Mama, wear this!’

Continue reading “Worst Dressed At The 2012 Golden Globes”