Stories I’m Too Lazy To Write About [11-8-14]

 
Lorde turns 300, releases Katniss-approved “Yellow Flicker Beat” video. (E! Online)

Summer of 2015 is the summer of (legal) WEED! (Oregon Live)

Kim Jong-Un oblivious to stuffed animal sex. (Mashable)

Fraulein Minaj rallies Nazi Breezy, Nazi Weezy and Nazi Drizzy. (Jezebel)

Keira Knightley is all statement and no shirt photoshop. (Mic)

Duggar daughter caught banging husband in Church. (Gawker)

Non-Duggar caught whacking it in police station with Wheat Thins. (Concourse)

Stories I’m Too Lazy To Write About [9-15-14]

Columbian cycling team naked
Women’s cycling team are blissfully unaware of their seeming naked-ness. (Daily Mail)

Lindsay Lohan may have touched Whitney Houston’s corpse. (TMZ/Jezebel)

15 fun (and scary) things you didn’t know about Friday Night Lights. (Uproxx)

Martha Stewart goes gangster on Gwyneth Paltrow. (Evil Beet Gossip)

And the undisputed BEST SENIOR PHOTO OF ALL TIME goes to…. (Grouchy Muffin)

Tyler, The Creator compares Apple’s “gift” of new U2 album to herpes. (Stereogum)

OITNB writer divorces husband for lady love/OITNB star Samira Wiley. (Vulture)

Bieber Injures Wrist in ATV Crash

Justin bieber four wheelerLast week, wittle baby Justin Bieber climbed up on a big bad four wheeler and hurt his itsy bitsy wrist. Did I mention he was arrested, or that Selena Gomez was there?

A photographer in a minivan reportedly caused the ATV crash in Ontario, but it’s more probable that he sprained his wrist texting, shaking his fist at the paparazzo he got in a fight with or whacking off to pictures of himself.

The weirdest part is that noted lawyer Gloria Allred is getting involved, and at first I thought she was repping Bieber (which would make sense since she’s all about protecting women’s rights), but she’s on team paparazzi, looking to imprison the Biebs in rusty shackles somewhere comparable to where Bane sent Batman, I hope.  Continue reading “Bieber Injures Wrist in ATV Crash”

Stories I’m Too Lazy To Write About [7-7-14]


Miley Cyrus and The Flaming Lips make a compelling case for never doing LSD. (RS)

Don’t move to Chicago unless you want bullet holes in your thighs. (Gawker)

Beyonce’s dad is a huge broke horndog with multiple baby mamas. (TMZ)

 Posh Spice shared an awkward glance with Sam Jackson at a tennis match. (BuzzFeed)

Canadian couple too in love to notice hungry tornado behind them. (Yahoo!)

Joan Rivers thinks we all think Michelle Obama is a tranny. (Uproxx)

Taylor Swift’s “family” members look a lot like Emma Stone and Lena Dunham. (Vulture)

 

Stories I’m Too Lazy To Write About [6-9-14]

Iggy Azalea Rita Ora I white chicksRita Ora and Iggy Azalea unknowingly reenact White Chicks. (Uproxx)

Being shunned by Hollywood has been really good for Mel Gibson’s biceps. (TMZ)

Tracy Morgan broke his leg, femur, nose and ribs. Is “more responsive.” (E! Online)

The guy in The Fault in Our Stars DIES. You’re welcome. (NY Daily News)

Olivia Munn is looking for her career in Aaron Rodgers’ mouth. (Radar)

Sneaky guinea pig impregnated 100 females, has more kids than Eddie Murphy. (Jezebel)

31-year-old loves the “natural hang” of his girlfriend’s 91-year-old boobs. (BuzzFeed)

Stories I’m Too Lazy To Write About [5-21-14]

Watch this guy do “Talk Dirty to Me” in 20 distinct musical styles. (Rolling Stone)

Sad Affleck to star in Superman Vs. Batman: Dawn of Justice. (Huffington Post)

Giant sea turtle totally objects to couple’s beach wedding, lays eggs in protest (Viral Nova)

Jada Pinkett and Will Smith under investigation by CPS for a certain photo. (Breit Bart)

La Roux’s “Let Me Down Gently” video is great if you get off on close-ups of hair. (Idolator)

Channing Tatum’s wife thinks he’s addicted to confetti cake and alcohol. (Jezebel)

This female surfer/model has something in common with Aaron Hernandez… (Gawker)

 

How to Become One of America’s Least Favorite Actors in Just a Few Weeks, By James Franco

James Franco averageAre you suddenly finding yourself randomly irked and annoyed by James Franco, or am I the only one dumbfounded by the shameful feeling of not “getting” Spring Breakers? Oh, you too? Let’s join hands and vent in unison.

No one can deny that Franco, in his 35 years, has had an impressive career. Since his big break as greasy stoner (the person we all believe him to be in real life) Daniel Desario on Judd Apatow’s comedy goldmine (and NBC’s nightmare) Freaks and Geeks at age 21, he’s kissed Sean Penn, done the five knuckle shuffle while bleeding on a canyon wall, entangled naked Disney stars in his cornrow web of pimped-out lies and terrorized both Spider-Man and the wicked witches of Oz. His greatest triumph of all might be still managing to get work after bombing harder than a grandpa at Okinawa at the 2011 Oscars.

That’s not all. James – who doesn’t seem to have much going on in the motor skills department – often teaches filmmaking classes in both California and New York and still finds the time to write blog posts for the Huffington Post. In a recent post, he copies and pastes a poem he’s written.

The actor that fucks a goat in my film
Was home-schooled because his parents didn’t
Want him to be subjected to drugs, guns and violence.
“And blacks,” I think.
Indian River, the school is called.
Tyrone is his name, a handsome, dumb-faced kid.
There were baby goats; they ran around their pen on stiff, stumpy legs.

James Franco wants us to think he’s a lot smarter than he is. James Franco thinks he’s a lot smarter than James Franco, but James Franco isn’t a secret genius, he’s like every other actor and actress. He needs the fame and the spotlight, but he resents needing it and therefore resents himself, and instead of just taking up golf or buying a motorcycle, he writes goat-fucking poems. I want to reach out and pet him and say, “It’s okay, James. You’re not the only one suffering.”  Continue reading “How to Become One of America’s Least Favorite Actors in Just a Few Weeks, By James Franco”

Stories I’m too Lazy to Write About [4-3-14]

R.I.P. … True Blood is ending after 2014. (Uproxx)

And hereee’s RoboCop eating donuts… (Grouchy Muffin)

 David Letterman retiring in 2015.  (Rolling Stone)

30 people confirmed dead in WA mudslide. (Yahoo!)

Nene Leakes looks contemplative in ’92 mug shot. (ohmyGAHH)

Wayne Gretzky’s daughter did Golf Digest?? (Deadspin)

Shakira lights herself on fire for “Empire” vid. (Idolator)

Cameron Diaz made a sex tape. (ComingSoon)

Miley Cyrus Put a Fan’s Dirty Thong in Her Mouth

Miley Cyrus used thongEveryone’s talking about Miley Cyrus‘ Bangerz tour, where she simulates masturbation and blowies to a man in a Bill Clinton mask while wearing an assortment of flapjack-exposing leotards.

According to HuffPo, after a fan threw their thong on the stage, Miley picked it up and put it in her mouth.

Parents of young fans who have been attending these concerts seem oddly surprised that these types of antics are occurring. Parents who are apparently too busy micromanaging kiddie lemonade stands and soccer meets to know that Miley Cyrus hasn’t been a good role model since, well, ever, with that IQ, but especially not since she went full retard with a bowl haircut and knocked a bunch of twerking dwarves over with wrecking balls.  Continue reading “Miley Cyrus Put a Fan’s Dirty Thong in Her Mouth”

Stories I’m Too Lazy To Write About [2-1-14]


Shakira smokes a cigar with Rihanna in “Can’t Remember to Forget You.” (BuzzFeed)

America continues to beg Canada to take Justin Bieber back after second arrest. (Gawker)

Dylan Farrow begs Hollywood to stop praising Woody Allen in open letter. (NY Times)

A woman in Arizona tried to kill her husband with poop. Yeah, you heard me. (Jezebel)

More odd Man of Steel 2 casting: sequel will star Jesse Eisenberg as Lex Luthor. (Slate)

Besides the arrest, Justin Bieber ran out of milk, went to a strip club to find some. (Evil Beet)

And here’s a bunch of X Men: Days of Future Past character posters in Empire. (ohmyGAHH!)

#DeportBieber Trends on Twitter Following DUI Arrest

Jutin Bieber tiger beat mugshot memeJustin Bieber was pulled over and taken into police custody today in Miami Beach for resisting arrest, driving under the influence and driving with an expired license, because Justin doesn’t have time to renew things, not yell “fuck” at the cops, or have someone else drive him after he’s washed a few Xanax down with his martinis.

He had a pretty HUGE smile on his beautiful ladyface in his mugshot, which totally inspired some radical photoshops, dude. (The best involved Orange is the New Black and Miley Cyrus, separately.)

Justin’s hooliganism arrest also inspired some kindness from his thousands of remaining fans on Twitter. Crap like “#PrayersforBieber” and “FreeBieber” trended, while the rest of us pushed “DeportBieber.” From TMZ:

According to the police report — obtained by TMZ — cops approached Bieber’s car and they instantly realized he reeked of alcohol and had bloodshot eyes.  He had a “stupor” look on his face.

The police report says … Bieber was defiant from the get-go, yelling at the cops, “Why the f**k are you doing this?”  He also yelled, “What the f**k did I do.  Why did you stop me?”  Continue reading “#DeportBieber Trends on Twitter Following DUI Arrest”

Stories I’m Too Lazy To Write About [12-13-13]

stodden brunetteCourtney Stodden brown hair 2013
Courtney Stodden has brown hair, looks older and more porn-y than usual. (Daily Mail)

Internet goes crazy over 60-year-old girl meme. Tea and arthritis for all. (Grouchy Muffin)

Scientists in Antarctica discover most nipple-chilling place on earth at -136 degrees. (io9)

Mike Tyson’s “mistress” sends batsh*t crazy emails to his wife on a weekly basis. (TMZ)

Fox News lady wants you to know that Jesus and Santa are both white, like her. (Uproxx)

Edge of Tomorrow w/ Emily Blunt unlikely to break Tom Cruise’s crap film streak.  (Deadline)

This guy playing super popular songs of 2013 in 1:00 minute is my new hero. (Gizmodo)

Tila Tequila is the Latest Hitler-Sympathizing Non-Celeb

Tila tequila hitlerTila Tequila, who’s fan count is nearing 0, is a fan of Hitler. She called him “brilliant” on Facebook, posted a poorly edited photo of her standing in front of Aushcwitz and wrote that she is “Hitler Reborn” in all caps, just in case she didn’t already have your attention.

Tila has managed to keep her anorexic wrist-ankles just barely in that special spotlight reserved for d-listers after her bisexual MTV dating show and the passing of her socialite girlfriend Casey Johnson by saying crazy things, so it’s not super surprising that she’d resort to this.

It’s just important to remember that Hitler and his minions wouldn’t have hesitated to throw Tila’s Vietnamese relatives into an oven.

It’s never going to be f*cking “cool” to romanticize genocidal maniacs. Stop. 

THIS IS NOT A DRILL: Bruce and Kris Jenner are Separated

Kris Jenner Bruce JennerAfter years and years of speculation, rumors, and separate coffins living situations, Kris and Bruce Jenner confirmed to E! that they are no longer romantically involved.

The wording, however, leaves many questions to be answered.

Like, are they getting a divorce any time soon? What’s the point, and were her ladybits more like a carnivorous plant gnawing on him slowly or did they clamp down suddenly, like the twisted rusty bear trap from Saw? 

Bruce and Kris Jenner have separated after 22 years of marriage.

“We are living separately and we are much happier this way,” the pair exclusively tell E! News.

“But we will always have much love and respect for each other. Even though we are separated, we will always remain best friends and, as always, our family will remain our number one priority.”

He lives in Malibu, she’s in Hidden Hills, the kids are all over the place, no one’s really at a loss except for Vampira’s future lover/client/plant waterer/dog poo scooper.  Continue reading “THIS IS NOT A DRILL: Bruce and Kris Jenner are Separated”

Lady Gaga’s Message to Miley…

Miley Gaga t in front of work
During her visit to Watch What Happens Live with Andy Cohen, Lady Gaga talked about her days as a stripper, coyly said she couldn’t decided which member of One Direction was her favorite, and dropped a bomb of wisdom about everybody’s favorite obsession/thing to hate.

While Gaga said that “everybody is entitled to their own artistic expression” in reference to Miley, she thinks the term “twerk” is ridiculous, and I agree, because we don’t need a new word for booty shaking.

I’d rather plank inside a volcano filled with Tebowing, “Gangnam Style” dance and Monster Claw-doing Little Monsters than acknowledge twerking.  Continue reading “Lady Gaga’s Message to Miley…”

Olivia Wilde Comments on Twerking

Miley cyrus olivia wildeYou know how I feel about twerking. It’s awesome when the one woman goes to Wal-Mart and makes a “twerking by the cakes” video, but if anyone ever says that Miley killed at the VMAs, they’d be referring to the death of the twerk.

Cat eye Drinking Buddies vixen Olivia Wilde had this to say during a Reddit Q&A, after being asked what she would do if she could go back in time and witness any historical event:

“The burning of Joan of Arc. I’d grab her and run and tell her that in the future Miley Cyrus is our saint and Joan must learn the art of twerking.”

Bahahaha. People tend to forget that she’s actually funny when they look at her face, but this is the woman who once said “In a thousand years archeologists will dig up tanning beds and think we fried people as punishment.”  Continue reading “Olivia Wilde Comments on Twerking”

Perez Hilton and Lady Gaga Are Enemies Now, Blame Madonna

Perez Hilton Lady GagaLady Gaga revealed on Twitter that celebrity-blogger-turned-celebrity Perez Hilton is no longer her inside man. On Friday she let her followers in on when and why they had a falling out, and it’s pretty scandalous, not to mention unforgivable.

Apparently, on the day that she injured her hip so badly that the cartilage was “just hanging out,” Perez sent her a photo of the word “KARMA” and Madonna pointing a gun at her.

I don’t give a fuck if Perez is forced to worship at the alter of Madonna over Cher, Gaga, Celine Dion and anyone else for forever because Madge will break both his hips and arms with some sort of button in her evil organic lotion chamber (or maybe just a stare?), if he doesn’t. That’s messed up. AND now he’s stalking her…  Continue reading “Perez Hilton and Lady Gaga Are Enemies Now, Blame Madonna”