The NOAA Wants You To Know That Mermaids Aren’t Real

After the Discovery Channel aired a special called Mermaids: The Body Found” the U.S. government felt obligated to issue an official online statement declaring that Ariel and her trident-wielding people are not real.

This coming shortly after a CDC spokesperson told The Huffington Post that zombies don’t exist either.

“CDC does not know of a virus or condition that would reanimate the dead,” said David Daigle after the bath salt/face-eating incident in Miami.

The National Oceanic And Atmospheric Administration (NOAA) feeling a need to let us know that seductresses of the seas are non-fiction seems even less necessary.  Continue reading “The NOAA Wants You To Know That Mermaids Aren’t Real”

Octomom’s Tentacles Are Grasping Welfare Cards

Nadya Suleman aka Octomom, famous for being the second woman in America to give birth to octuplets, is collecting welfare.

In 2010 the mother of 14 inkblots total vowed that she would never be “a self-fulfilling prophecy,” taking direct deposits from the government.

This news comes after an unusual amount of fame-whoring from Suleman, like her nudity in Closer Magazine and job with Dial-A-Star, where you can talk to her for $14.00 a minute at 1-888-695-4543. (A dollar per child)

She reportedly earns $2,000 a month from the state of California and had to make less than $119,000 a year to qualify.

At one point all of her children were attending private school and “sources” had hinted that she was terrible at budgeting her income so this news is hardly surprising.