Teenage Girl Poisons Grandma’s Collard Greens for Taking her Cell Phone Away

girl who poisoned grandmaIn the news recently, I was unsurprised to learn that a girl in North Carolina dumped poison meant to exterminate termites into her grandmother’s collard greens while she was at church.

It gets worse… This all happened because grandma, one Gaylon Moody of Fayetteville (a dead ringer for Sweet Brown), confiscated her cell phone for a week.

Via CBS:

The seventeen-year-old Fayetteville girl allegedly dumped insecticide and termite killer into a pot of collard greens her grandmother planned on eating for Easter dinner. The station reports Moody cooked the food before attending church for services, and ate the meal when she returned home.

Moody and her friend Clifton Evans both became ill after eating the collard greens, reports the station.

“About an hour and a half later, we started getting sick,” Moody told the station. “My fingers started feeling numb, (and it spread to) my chest, my face, my mouth.”

A friend of Moody’s rushed the two to the hospital, where they were treated and released.

Teens of today care more about technology, and what that technology represents, than family. Not having the thinnest, fastest phone is a social tragedy, and not having a phone at all is like, so much worse than a dead grandma.

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Justin Bieber Serenaded His Grandma NAKED (Yeah, You Heard Me)

justin bieber naked guitarWhat could be more gross and lobotomy-worthy than these photos of naked Justin Bieber covering his wee maple schlong with a sunburst guitar in front of his grandmother on Turkey Day?

TMZ guesses that Justin did this last November as some kind of prank because any excuse to put things down his pants or pull his pants and shirt completely off is the right kind of excuse. (And nudity and family just go so well together.)

Notice anything strange about the picture on the left besides the obvious? …It’s just that Justin is approximately 5’7″, putting the grandmother at about three feet.

Okay fine, taking the step down into account, 4’1.” She’s still a Hobbit.  Continue reading “Justin Bieber Serenaded His Grandma NAKED (Yeah, You Heard Me)”

Funny Video: 100-Year-Old Woman Possessed By D*cks (NSFW)

Yeahhhhh you’re in for a surprise if you thought the word “d*cks” all censored like that could possibly stand for “ducks.” In the video, we see a centenarian sitting in a room surrounded by her children and grandkids talking to a local reporter about her obsession, and it’s not embroidery or orchids…

Her daughter attempts to get her to talk about all the nice things she’s done with her life, but the woman just has dick on the brain because she’s f*cking 100-years-old and can pretty much say whatever she wants.
how's your dick hanging meme
If I had an extra year of my life for every time this old lady talks about dick, I’d live to be 120…

Granny Love Hewitt Calls Jennifer Love a ‘Ho’

Jennifer Love Hewitt GrandmaGrandmothers like to distort reality, assuming every minor hiccup is that moment in War of the Worlds when the aliens suck Tom Cruise into that giant human chicken basket.

Tommy hasn’t come home yet? He’s not just dead, he’s been kidnapped by a sodomizing suicide cult.

Put yourself in Jennifer Love Hewitt’s grandma’s shoes. On Sundays, she watches her jugtastic granddaughter give handjobs in a see-through nightgown for sofa pennies.

The senior Hewitt actually has a better sense of humor about The Client List than you or I would expect, jokingly calling her precious J-Love a “ho.”

“She likes it,” JLH told Ellen. “She ignores the parts that she doesn’t like and pretends like they’re not happening but she calls me her ‘little TV ho.’ And she thinks that’s really funny.”  Continue reading “Granny Love Hewitt Calls Jennifer Love a ‘Ho’”

Cher’s Mom Is Pretty Hot

Cher posted a photo of her and her 86 year-old mother, Georgia Holt on Twitter right before meeting president Obama at a LBGT fundraiser at the Beverly Wilshire.

Let me just say, what a hot grandma. I can only hope to look 30% as good as her in 60 years.

Did Jane Fonda and Betty White open a spa at an undisclosed location where they sacrifice babies and eat peasants in a bathtub full of milk like Charlize in Snow White?

I demand answers, and so does Obama. Apparently the president playfully asked about her Holt’s diet after Cher told him that she’s 86.

According to the Tweet, Barack said, “Georgia,tell me what u eat.”

Lindsay Lohan Looks Like Your Dead Grandmother

Lindsay’s had a tough week, first her nude Playboy pictures were leaked, then she lost her purse in Hawaii and the remaining $10 dollars of her career earnings were stolen from it. Then she missed her plane back to Los Angeles.

Oh AND she was supposed to go on Ellen, to debut her naked body, you know the one we’ve already seen in Machete and I Know Who Killed Me? But that was axed for obvious reasons.

Surprisingly, after all this turmoil, she managed to make it on time to court on December 14th and the judge was like, hey you’re doing an okay job. Actually she said “You’re doing well, I’d like to see it continue,” but whatever, I paraphrased. That isn’t even the issue, my problem is the way she looks in this outfit.

Continue reading “Lindsay Lohan Looks Like Your Dead Grandmother”

69 Year-Old Grandma Scares Away Robber With Knife

Barbara Lane, a restaurant manager in Oregon, was working late when a robber burst in and tried to threaten her. Lane, 69, wasn’t having it. She fought back ferociously, scaring the man off by brandishing a blade.

The Oregonian reports that Barbara Lane was reading a mystery novel behind the counter of the New China Garden Restaurant in SE Portand when a 30-something year-old man wearing a bandana over his face, came in at around midnight. Lane says,

“He just flipped the door open and made a run to jump over the counter. I just automatically grabbed my chair. I was going to hit him with it…”

Continue reading “69 Year-Old Grandma Scares Away Robber With Knife”