Gwyneth Paltrow is Saying Silly Things About Her Divorce

Gwyneth Paltrow Chris Martin dinnerContrary to the headline, Gwyneth Paltrow really hasn’t said anything too “silly” about her divorce, but many do seem offended by her seemingly stuck-up refusal to actually call it a “divorce” in her original and follow-up statements.

In the first, she left a bad taste in the mouths [of people who probably already hated her] by using the term “conscious uncoupling” to describe her separation from longtime douchehub Chris Martin.

Recently, Paltrow published a recipe brutal guide to cutting off a chicken’s legs and head with a little “P.S.” message attached. “CM and I in deep gratitude for the support of so many,” she wrote.  Continue reading “Gwyneth Paltrow is Saying Silly Things About Her Divorce”

Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin are Officially Done

Uh oh. Gwyneth Paltrow finally realized how bad Chris Martin’s music is…

Paltrow wrote on her newsletter website that they’ve decided to separate after 11 years of marriage, therapy (I assume) and two biblical/fruit-themed babies.

“We have been working hard for well over a year, some of it together, some of it separated, to see what might have been possible between us, and we have come to the conclusion that while we love each other very much we will remain separate,” Paltrow wrote.

“We are, however, and always will be a family, and in many ways we are closer than we have ever been” she continued. “We are parents first and foremost, to two incredibly wonderful children and we ask for their and our space and privacy to be respected at this difficult time.”

Continue reading “Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin are Officially Done”

Gwyneth Paltrow Thinks the Sun is Good For Her

Gwyneth Paltrow in the sunGood news, haters. Gwyneth Paltrow said this really atrocious thing to Cosmo UK about how the sun can’t hurt her.

I don’t know if it’s because she’s Blythe Danner’s daughter or because I have a weird uncalled-for obsession with the movie Duets, but I just keep expecting so much more from Gwyneth.

“We’re human beings and the sun is the sun – how can it be bad for you?” she said. “I don’t think anything that is natural can be bad for you.”

While I think she was probably just talking about Vitamin D, which has been proven to decrease the chances of heart disease, the wording makes me want to throw Apple and Chris Martin on a kebab.

Even if there weren’t massive holes in the ozone layer because people in the ’20s and ’30s made refrigerators and hairspray out of Krypton’s core, it still wouldn’t be good to sit in the scalding hot sun for the duration of a Madonna concert.  Continue reading “Gwyneth Paltrow Thinks the Sun is Good For Her”

Gwyneth Paltrow and Her Freshly-Mowed Bush Hated The Met Gala

Gwyneth Paltrow bored Met GalaGwyneth Paltrow got a little tipsy and divulged her true feelings about the Met Gala and many other things. Paltrow was hilariously honest with Jackie O and Kyle, telling the radio hosts that the Gala was staler than Nicole Richie’s pre-weight loss Taco Bell farts. This due to a Kanye West tempter tantrum, elderly people dressing like punks, and an identity mishap involving Psy.

Do you want me to be honest? It sucked. It seems like the best thing in the world. You think, ‘Oh my god, it’s going to be so glamorous and amazing, and you’re going to see all these famous people.’ And then you get there, and it’s so hot, and so crowded, and everyone’s pushing you. This year it was really intense. It wasn’t fun!

Here’s the part about 99% of the population, including celebs, not knowing punk from Top 40:

Everyone was dressed in punk … and I feel that we’re all a bit old to be dressed punk, you know what I mean? I didn’t. I just went kind of normal.  Continue reading “Gwyneth Paltrow and Her Freshly-Mowed Bush Hated The Met Gala”

Gwyneth Paltrow is the World’s Most Beautiful and Hated Woman of 2013

Gwyneth Paltrow most beautifulGwyneth Paltrow was Hollywood’s “Most Hated Celebrity” just last week, a title that is being revisited because she is now being called the “World’s Most Beautiful Woman” by People Magazine.

I don’t understand all the Gwyneth bashing. She seems to be disliked for talking about herself, as if it’s her fault that she’s only ever asked questions about her movies, healthy lifestyle and biblical fruit children.

Perhaps we could channel certain energies away from Kristen Stewart, Tom Cruise, Anne Hathaway and Gwyneth Paltrow, who aren’t actually bad people, and focus on members of Westboro Baptist, or anyone who made “Free Jahar” trend on Twitter.

Is Gwyneth really so unlikable? As far as looks go, she has a nice smile and shiny gold hair.  Continue reading “Gwyneth Paltrow is the World’s Most Beautiful and Hated Woman of 2013”

Apple and Moses Want Gwyneth to Have Another Child Even Though it Could Kill Her

Apple Gwyneth PaltrowChocolate-covered crazy Gwyneth Paltrow recently sat down with Jane Gordon from the Daily Mail to talk about how her new sugarless, gluten-free, no-fun cookbook, It’s All Good, was inspired by a bunch of weird health problems.

Apparently “Gwynnie,” as Gordon calls her, was sitting in her garden one day in 2011 when she suffered a migraine so severe mistook it for a stroke. A series of tests revealed that it was caused by a vitamin D deficiency, anaemia, thyroid and hormonal issues, a congested liver, and a benign tumor.

We also learn that little Moses and Apple want her to have a third baby regardless of a life-threatening miscarriage the last time she attempted to birth a tiny Orange or Jesus Martin.

Continue reading “Apple and Moses Want Gwyneth to Have Another Child Even Though it Could Kill Her”

Trailer: Iron Man 3 (Theatrical)

Tony Stark talks increasingly less like Tyrion Lannister and more like an excited 8-year-old in the new trailer for Iron Man 3. “I build neat stuff. I got a great girl,” he says.

And so he does. The third installment seems to focus most on a Spider-Man-friendly story involving lifelong partner Pepper Pots and a new half-Chinese enemy played by Ben Kingsley.  Continue reading “Trailer: Iron Man 3 (Theatrical)”

Cameron Diaz’s Mentor Wants Her to Stop Bathing in Benjamins

Cameron Hair spermEveryone needs someone in their corner. Rocky had Paulie, Lisbeth had Mikael, Shaggy had Scooby, and Cameron Diaz has Gwyneth Paltrow.

According to The Sun, Gwyneth Paltula has disposed of Madonna’s dry, tasteless 54-year-old blood, placing her feeding straw against Cameron’s vital 40-year-old veins.

A source says Paltrow, who has tons in common with Diaz because they’re both blonde actresses, has “sorted out” her new friend’s finances and is forcing her to swear off sex for an entire year because men are a distracting waste of her time.

Really I just think Gwyneth wants everyone to share her boring married sex life. Or, she’s hoping her hymen will grow back so she can sell her into slavery. One of the two.