John Travolta Doesn’t Bring His Hair to the Gym

John travolta baldCelebrities meet and snap photos with fans on a daily basis, so what’s unique about this encounter specifically? Well, two things… One, the fan in the photo confirmed that John Travolta works out at 3 a.m. and it warms my heart to know that he’s a night owl like myself and that successful people can stay up late and still get shit done, unless he fell asleep at like 7 p.m. and woke up super early, in which case he’s dead to me and I’m done saying all those masseuses were lying.

Continue reading “John Travolta Doesn’t Bring His Hair to the Gym”

Lady Gaga is the Fro’d Out Lovechild of Tim Curry and Marisa Tomei

Lady Gaga afroThis is a Lady Gaga update for all the people who do not need or want one and were hoping she’d evaporated into the cold dark sperm-soaked ether she came from… SO much is new with Lady Gaga. Like, uh, her CD – the one with no tolerable songs besides “Applause” – is 7 months old and, she has a dog. And an afro!

There she is waving on the streets of New York like “Hi, I’m totally pleased to announce that I’ve been cast as Dr. Frank-N-Furter in an off-off Broadway production of The Rocky Horror Picture Show.”

This look can be achieved after back-to-back viewings of Grease and My Cousin Vinny, plus one tube of Dollar Tree lipstick and zero point zero ounces of shame.  Continue reading “Lady Gaga is the Fro’d Out Lovechild of Tim Curry and Marisa Tomei”

Miley Cyrus is Blonde and Nearly Eyebrowless for W

Miley W eyebrowsMiley Cyrus fulfills the wishes of those of us who were sitting around wondering what she looks like with super Swedish blonde hair and eyebrows with her new W Magazine spread.

The Girl With The Really Bad Tattoos tells Ronan Farrow (son of Mia) that “guys try too hard” with her, explaining that she doesn’t need to go to fancy restaurants or vacations.

I mean, really, why go to Nobu or The Ivy when you could twerk on dwarves and balance malt liquor bottles on your ass in the Dollar Tree parking lot?

Here are just a few of the interview highlights and photos that made me throw up in my mouth a little…

On being an unconventional sex symbol: “I like that I’m associated with sexuality and the kind of punk-rock shit where we just don’t care. Like Madonna or Blondie or Joan Jett – Jett’s the one that I still get a little shaky around. She did what I did in such a crazier way. I mean, girls then weren’t supposed to wear leather pants and, like, fucking rock out. And she did.”  Continue reading “Miley Cyrus is Blonde and Nearly Eyebrowless for W”

Was Brittany Murphy Poisoned? Coroner and Forensic Specialist Say NO

Brittany Murphy Uptown Girls stillThe father of Brittany Murphy – the actress who made us laugh and cry in Clueless and Girl, Interrupted – is pedaling a theory that her husband were poisoned.

It was said that Murphy and Simon Monjack, who died within months of each other in late 2009 and 2010, mysteriously died of “natural causes,” but a test ordered using a hair sample of the late star claims that an irregular amount of heavy metals used in rat poison and insecticides were in her bloodstream at the time of death.

No word on the who or why, but both the L.A. coroner and the president of the Board of Forensic Toxicology are calling the report bogus.

Coroner’s statement: “We have not seen the results and nothing has been presented to us. We stand by what we ruled on the case.”

Specialist/President of Forensic Toxicology’s words, via CNN:

“It’s ridiculous,” Dr. Bruce Goldberger said. A conclusion of poisoning is an “inflammatory statement” that “is a baseless allegation and outrageous statement to make based on a single hair test.”

Murphy’s autopsy revealed no physical signs of poisoning, he said. “A hair test alone, without any clinical signs or symptoms, cannot be used to establish poisoning.”

The private report also showed a normal level of arsenic, which would have been elevated if rat poisoning was involved, he said.

“She was a beautiful woman and likely had numerous hair treatments,” Goldberger said. “Chemicals in the hair treatment would alter the chemistry of her hair sample.”

I can’t deny that her and her husband’s deaths seem very suspicious, especially considering their ages (32 and 40) BUT I also think her dad may be [understandably] reaching for an explanation.

Rihanna Will Soon Be Bald

Rihanna going baldThis is funny, an “extension expert” tells Radar Online that Rihanna will be bald in the not-too distant future if she continues changing her hair on a monthly basis.

After examining photos of Rihanna, the expert notices a “thinning patch” on one side of her head and mentions the self-induced weave nightmare known as traction alopecia, which I made the mistake of Googling once (“cystic acne” is another no-no) after writing about Naomi Campbell, who is also mentioned by the all-knowing expert.

It becomes clear later on that Radar’s source is just bitter about not landing Rihanna as a client. “When hair extensions are applied properly, they are completely safe and can give amazing results,” she says. “But when done with no care for natural hair, they leave the follicles damaged beyond repair.”  Continue reading “Rihanna Will Soon Be Bald”

Kim Kardashian Gets Hair To Match Brains

Kim Kardashian blond hair Who do you think of, when you think of the quintessential blonde? Paris Hilton, Elle Woods, Heidi Montag, Marilyn Monroe, Courtney Stodden, Anna Nicole…?

I know I just pissed a bunch of people off by putting Marilyn in with those clowns, but really, who deserves a spot on the list more than the utterly brainless reality show royalty known as Kim Kardashian?

Fortunately or not, Kim, the self-proclaimed “hardest working woman in America,” is now a blonde and has earned more than just a position under Kanye. She’s also a mom now, so here’s my favorite related joke…

A brunette mom, a redhead mom and a blonde mom are sitting around…

The brunette mom says, “I found cigarettes in my daughter’s room, oh my God, I can’t believe she smokes!” Then the redhead mom says, “I found a bottle of vodka in my daughter’s room and I just had no idea she drank!” The blonde mom laughs and says, “I found condoms in my daughter’s room, I can’t believe she has a penis!!!”

One Pac-Man Beard To Rule Them All….

pacman beard This guy with the Pac-Man/Ms. Pac-Man-without-the-bow (because true nerds know regular Pac-Man doesn’t have eyes) facial hair could totally be Bristol Palin’s next boyfriend. Or Edward Furlong’s protégé.

His name is unknown, but he was featured on both Uberhumor (as “Pacbeard”) and Tosh.0. I especially love how he had to draw an outline with a cheap pen because no one would know what the hell was on his face if he hadn’t.

The sparse patches of hair apparently represent the pac-dots. Or he just has really specific alopecia. It’s hard to know without checking his medical records and blood alcohol content.

That doesn’t look like human hair at all inside Pac-She-Man, it’s more like he made a gold Prismacolor work on his skin using sorcery or painfully excessive pressure. (Again, medical records, BAC.)

Continue reading “One Pac-Man Beard To Rule Them All….”

Women in Dubai are Bumping and Poofing Under Their Scarves

Camel Hump hairI pity your funny bone if you never saw the God-awful infomercial for Bumpits, catered to women who want to look like Nancy Grace, Sabrina the Teenage Witch, or any lady from a 90’s soap opera.

In it, we hear a woman screaming bloody murder as a voiceover asks if you’re tired of “flat, boring hairstyles.” It’s almost better than Shake Weight and Ahh Bra. Mostly because leaving the “p” out  of “bump” and “its” literally spells “BUM-PITS.”

Like your bum is a pit, or your pit is a bum. Get away from me. You smell.

Now that we’ve covered all that (and because I live to bring you the latest trends from around the world), let me tell you about how Dubai women are taking big hair to new levels.

(If you haven’t figured out by now that they’re using makeshift Bumpits, we can’t be friends.) Continue reading “Women in Dubai are Bumping and Poofing Under Their Scarves”

Justin Bieber’s New Hair Made Him Grow Ovaries, Boobies and a Lemon Fresh Vagina

Justin bieber side shaveThe Sun and Mirror Online called Justin Bieber‘s new side-shave haircut “girly,” “dodgy” and “weird” in their headlines.

The nickname “Justin Bieb-Her” and Rihanna and Miley Cyrus copycat comments even inspired Inquisitr to write a 600 word editorial on why it’s not okay to call him a puny lesbian. (I’m sure Justin appreciated the comparisons to The Beatles and Nirvana).

I was going to say the hair (more of a lack of gel than an actual cut?) reminded me of Martin Gore, Vanilla Ice, or that guy from Diamond Rings, but that’s insulting to all of them.

Justin, you’ve always been a girl to me. A really irritating, overly manicured, ill-tempered bitch of a girl with 16 million fake Twitter followers. Puke.

What The Actual Hell, Wesley Snipes

Wesley Snipes Gallowwalkers In the spirit of straight-to-DVD From Dusk Till Dawn movies, Wild Wild West, Jonah Hex, Cowboys & Aliens and Nicolas Cage, I bring you Gallowwalkers

Wesley Snipes hasn’t done much since going to the slammer for tax evasion in 2010, and despite still being there, he somehow managed to appear in this new horror/western that totally hopes to hook the fleshy cheeks of Blade fans. The only thing it seems to actually have in common with Blade is weird hair. But instead of that insanely manicured Blacula thing, we get dreadlocks and a salt and pepper goatee sharp enough to skewer Madonna’s elk meat biceps.

Gallowwalkers’ trailer thrives on bringing zombie-slaying to John Wayne’s genre for the third or fourth time, relying on cheesy catchphrases like “Out here, they come back.”

Continue reading “What The Actual Hell, Wesley Snipes”

Miley Cyrus is a Dead Ringer for One of Will Smith’s Offspring

Miley Cyrus Willow SmithMiley Cyrus did the full monty earlier this week. It all started with the shaggy cut, then the Mohawk, then this weird front fringe thing, then ultimately it all had to come off.

See Britney? This is the way to gradually go bald, pay someone $900 a session to make it look semi-normal.

In a way, Miley “rocks” her look by matching it with “edgier” clothes. On the other hand – she still has baby face and looks too kiddish to rock such a grown up style. She looks like Willow Smith‘s older sister on bleached Kelvin instagram filter.

On a side note, I bet her Hottie McNormal fiance, Liam Hemsworth is wishing he didn’t dump his female girlfriend of five years to have underage sex with Jesse Pinkman.

What Do You Think of Arnold Schwarzenegger’s New Haircut? Be Honest

Arnold Schwarzenegger bowl haircut 1Arnold Schwarzenegger isn’t the type to care about trivial things like attracting potential mates post-divorce, or the type to care about looking good at all.

To be completely fair, he’s 65, and this dyed military side-shaved bowl definitely has to be for a movie.

I guess it’s unfair to expect him to have Mr. Universe muscles as he makes a Hollywood comeback.

After watching The Expendables 2 for five seconds, I think it’s also unfair to assume that he’d remember how to not act like a clueless newbie in front of the camera. I don’t know who this person is, but I miss Arnold. #TrueLies

Colts’ Cheerleaders Shave Their Heads in Honor of Coach Pagano

Dozens of Colts players, including Adam Vinatieri and Andrew Luck, shaved their heads earlier this month in honor of coach Chuck Pagano and his struggle with leukemia. Two cheerleaders followed in the team’s heartwarming footsteps during the fourth quarter of Sunday’s game against the Bills after fans donated $22,000 to cancer research, shaving their locks and smiling about it afterward.

“I’ve just had personal experiences with people who have had cancer,” Megan M. (right) told a reporter.

“I’ve had mentors and family members and volunteer at Riley and met little girls who have lost their hair and beat cancer multiple times.”  Continue reading “Colts’ Cheerleaders Shave Their Heads in Honor of Coach Pagano”

Rihanna Shines Bright Like A… What Was it Again?

Okay so lately, Katy Perry is “Wide Awake,” Ke$ha is dying young, Gaga is popping art zits and talking shit about Adele and Rihanna is shining bright like a diamond. Got it? Got it.

BarbadoClownTastic is a busy girl these days, new album, new video, a fourth SNL musical guest spot, photo sex with Kate Moss, and an appearance at the Victoria’s Secret Fashion show which she said she was “shitting bricks” for, in her live Facebook chat.

There’s also that whole not being friends with Katy P., and being something or rather with Chris Brown (she calls him “alright” in the chat thing).  Continue reading “Rihanna Shines Bright Like A… What Was it Again?”

Beth Behrs Goes Brunette On ‘2 Broke Girls,’ Looks Even More Like Lea Michele

The season two premiere of 2 Broke Girls aired on Tuesday and in the episode, titled “And The Hidden Stash,” Caroline (Beth Behrs) and Max (Kat Dennings) visit Caroline’s father in jail, who tells them to go to an estate auction featuring her family’s possessions to acquire a horse-jumping trophy.

This calls for one half of the most hilarious television pairing since Monica and Rachel to put on a disguise – a brunette wig.

And speaking of Rachel, Rachel Berry of Glee, that is, Beth Behrs looks enough like Glee‘s Lea Michele in a brown-haired wig to make everyone wonder if they do in fact share DNA. Kind of like how Dennings shares devil genes with Hilary Duff.  Continue reading “Beth Behrs Goes Brunette On ‘2 Broke Girls,’ Looks Even More Like Lea Michele”

Adam Brown As A Dwarf Or Jim Carrey In ‘Dumb And Dumber?’

Have I mentioned that I’m not that excited about the upcomingHobbit trilogy? I think I have, plenty. I’ve read the book more than a couple of times, and while I do remember some of the dwarves as whimsical, I wouldn’t say I pictured Jim Carrey in Dumb And Dumber.

A new trailer and promotional photos reveal Adam Brown as Ori/Lloyd Christmas in what I can only assume is recycled hair and makeup from Snow White And The Huntsman.  Continue reading “Adam Brown As A Dwarf Or Jim Carrey In ‘Dumb And Dumber?’”