Rihanna Will Soon Be Bald

Rihanna going baldThis is funny, an “extension expert” tells Radar Online that Rihanna will be bald in the not-too distant future if she continues changing her hair on a monthly basis.

After examining photos of Rihanna, the expert notices a “thinning patch” on one side of her head and mentions the self-induced weave nightmare known as traction alopecia, which I made the mistake of Googling once (“cystic acne” is another no-no) after writing about Naomi Campbell, who is also mentioned by the all-knowing expert.

It becomes clear later on that Radar’s source is just bitter about not landing Rihanna as a client. “When hair extensions are applied properly, they are completely safe and can give amazing results,” she says. “But when done with no care for natural hair, they leave the follicles damaged beyond repair.”  Continue reading “Rihanna Will Soon Be Bald”

Michelle Obama to Appear in Health-Conscious Hip Hop Videos

A slightly misleading but still incredible NME article says “US First Lady Michelle Obama to release hip-hop album.” Don’t get your hopes up too high, internet…

Mich O. won’t actually be singing on said album, she’s just organizing it for educational purposes. You know her deal, getting kids to replace delicious fried food with food that is good for you and tastes like unseasoned gelatinous hippie pit sweat (but at least makes you poop consistently).

Artists included on the compilation Songs For A Healthier America are Darryl ‘DMC’ McDaniels, Travis Barker, Ashanti, Doug E. Fresh, Jordin Sparks and Matisyahu.

Michelle will only be appearing in videos for songs like “U R What You Eat,” “Veggie Luv” and “Everybody” (download for free HERE if you dare and/or care), but I still keep imagining them turning out like this:

(Take it away, Mary Sue / Let his love bust a cap in your butt and say HALLELUJAH!) Or this: Continue reading “Michelle Obama to Appear in Health-Conscious Hip Hop Videos”

Gwyneth Paltrow Thinks the Sun is Good For Her

Gwyneth Paltrow in the sunGood news, haters. Gwyneth Paltrow said this really atrocious thing to Cosmo UK about how the sun can’t hurt her.

I don’t know if it’s because she’s Blythe Danner’s daughter or because I have a weird uncalled-for obsession with the movie Duets, but I just keep expecting so much more from Gwyneth.

“We’re human beings and the sun is the sun – how can it be bad for you?” she said. “I don’t think anything that is natural can be bad for you.”

While I think she was probably just talking about Vitamin D, which has been proven to decrease the chances of heart disease, the wording makes me want to throw Apple and Chris Martin on a kebab.

Even if there weren’t massive holes in the ozone layer because people in the ’20s and ’30s made refrigerators and hairspray out of Krypton’s core, it still wouldn’t be good to sit in the scalding hot sun for the duration of a Madonna concert.  Continue reading “Gwyneth Paltrow Thinks the Sun is Good For Her”

Jennifer Aniston is a Brita Filter, Really

Jennifer aniston salad tosserYou may find yourself wondering what’s going on with the cast of Friends these days, well, Courtney Cox is looking like Cher’s grandma who bought plastic surgery in the back of a joint tortilla and pizza cart in Mexico City…

Matthew Perry is filling the void of another cancelled show by talking about why Chandler Bing’s eye bags were deeper than Crater Lake. Lisa Kudrow is being awesome, swimming in yogurt money and preparing for a third season of Web Therapy to air on Showtime (Matt LeBlanc’s doing the same with Episodes).

But what’s the most famous alumn up to? LET ME TELL YOU. Jennifer Aniston just gave an interview with New York Magazine where she called her body a “purified system” that rejects bad food.

Aniston explained that her organic body reacted to a Big Mac as if it were gasoline. “I think what you put in your body, as well as stress, is reflected in the quality of your skin,” she said.  Continue reading “Jennifer Aniston is a Brita Filter, Really”

Perez Hilton, No Longer A Fatty Fatty Boom Boom

Perez Hilton’s weight loss has been chronicled since 2008, previously by Perez himself and In Touch weekly.

He told the magazine that he slimmed down by simply walking and incorporating a healthier diet.

“I began by just eating healthy, and a month later, I started to incorporate a little bit of exercise – just walking for about 30 minutes a day – and then I became motivated to do more and more.”

“I have two trainers who I work out with in the gym Mondays through Thursdays. On Fridays and Saturdays I do Pilates, Sundays I do yoga, and I also do spinning.”  Continue reading “Perez Hilton, No Longer A Fatty Fatty Boom Boom”

Macaulay Culkin Looks Really Sick, But Isn’t

Watching your favorite child stars age before your eyes is painful. while many actually have success and are well-rounded individuals (Drew Barrymore, Anna Paquin, Elijah Wood) we seem to only notice the really fucked up ones, like Macaulay Culkin.

Culkin, perhaps the biggest child star of all time, was never the epitome of aesthetic health after age, ummm, 1994, when he abruptly stopped making movies. (Probably too busy being whipped by his father for growing pubes)

The Home Alone star was spotted in NYC in “exclusive” pictures obtained by ET looking like, well, blond Michael Jackson. Fortunately his reps have his back.

“Macaulay Culkin is in perfectly good health. For Entertainment Tonight or any other media to speculate otherwise is thoughtless, irresponsible and destructive.” Continue reading “Macaulay Culkin Looks Really Sick, But Isn’t”