The Real Reason Hillary Needs To Be President

Hillary clinton winkingHello, 18 through 30-year old Democrats that aren’t necessarily feeling “The Bern.” Some might call me a hipster (though I’m pretty most of those are definitely feeling it), but there’s this thing called popularity that I’ve always been wary of. People say, “Hey, see that guy you’d never heard of until 2015? You should totally vote for him.” And I’m like, “Hmm, why?” And they’re like “I dunno. He’s cool! And like, for the people.” Something something money, something something corruption and stuff.

A friend invited me to a Sanders rally and I contemplated going for all of two seconds and then realized that even though I had nothing better to do, I couldn’t consciously attend this event without knowing exactly who this guy was.

Like Sarah Silverman, I’d always been a tried and true Hillary fan, and now that I actually do know more about dear Bernie, I’m still Team Clinton.

The biggest, least-talked about reason America needs Hill and Bill back in the White House is simple: revenge. As soon as Hillary perches her sweet pearls-and-pantsuit-wearing self in that beautifully upholstered Oval Office chair she can start doing what her husband did when he was president, and that, my friends, is GET LAID.

hillary clinton cigar cartoonOnce elected, Hillary is totes going to get her motherfucking Lewinsky on. Having phone sex with Justin Trudeau while shirtless male interns take turns going down on her. Or taking Air Force One to East Asia to put a piping hot cigar up Kim Jong-un’s tight Korean ass. Perhaps a hot lesbian affair with Sarah Palin? Or an equally amazing round of JELL-O wrestling with Palin, Coulter, Bachmann and Davis?

With permission from his dom, Bill may sometimes be allowed to watch. (Participation is an express no-go.)

Winter isn’t coming. Hillary is.


Barbara Walters Names Hillary Clinton, One Direction ‘Most Fascinating People”

Barbara Walters’ list of the Most Fascinating People of 2012 is out and two of the choices are baffling. Out of Ben Affleck, Hillary Clinton, One Direction, Chris Christie, Gabby Douglas, E.L. James and Seth MacFarlane, who do you think I’m talking about?

If you have to ask, we’re not on speaking terms. E.L. James and One Direction of course, though I have to say, Barbara Walters or whoever compiles this crap is not to blame.

Rock authority Rolling Stone was never to blame for suddenly putting the Backstreet Boys on the cover, it was simply what was popular at the time and came with a sort of unspoken apology.  Continue reading “Barbara Walters Names Hillary Clinton, One Direction ‘Most Fascinating People””

Stories I’m Too Lazy To Write About [8-8-12]

Lolo Jones almost won a medal on Tuesday, U.S. media still compares her to Kournikova (Yahoo!)

Cops arrest a very naked Randy Travis in Texas (TMZ)

Trailblazer Nicolas Batum banned from Olympics after punching a guy in the nuts (NBC)

Bob Hoskins diagnosed with parkinson’s, retires from acting (L.A. Times)

First female NFL ref will debut at Packers game (Huffington Post)

Jennie Garth didn’t need to lose weight, but she did anyway (Us Magazine)

Macy’s Music Festival attendee greeted with racist message in hotel room (eurthisnthat)

Obama wants to take away your pizza (Global Grind)

Mila Kunis and Ashton Kutcher hold hands and sing kumbaya on a tropical island (Evil Beet)

Indian man padlocked his wife’s vagina (Hurriyet Daily News)

Hillary Clinton does the Elaine (NY Daily News)