I mean she looks terrified. Not just here, but all the time. Why is that? It’s like the face her grandma would make after hearing the lyrics to that new song “Swine.” Continue reading “Lady Gaga Rubs Against Joseph Gordon-Levitt For Retro, Christmas-Themed Body Heat”
Yay! Holidays are here and it’s time to tune out gluttonous relatives who only ever brag about their children’s non-existent achievements, buy things you can’t afford or keep for yourself, and eat food that will shave five years off your life and force you to buy elastic maternity pants that only come in embarrassing colors.
So, while you’re decorating the tree you killed in your stained turquoise pants, here are some festive movies to pass the time and make that black icicle in your chest go thump thump thump.
(Omitted National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation and A Christmas Story for obvious reasons.)
1. Scrooged. Before What About Bob? and Groundhog Day, there was Scrooged with Bill Murray in his curly-haired prime in the best (and only?) Christmas Carol movie aimed at drink-holding adults.
2. Love, Actually. This one’s not so much for cynics, but it’s still a billion edgy steps up from anything dredged up from Nicholas Sparks’ toilet. Aging sellout Billy Mack steals the show with his corny rendition of “Love Is All Around.” Oh, and all I want for Christmas is a naked Bilbo Baggins (you’ll see).
3. Mixed Nuts. Liev Schreiber in drag and pregnant Juliette Lewis bitching to the tune of Adam Sandler’s ukulele. Help me solve the mystery of why this movie was panned by the critics.
4. Home For The Holidays. Truly the perfect dysfunctional family Thanksgiving movie, this centers around a brother and sister (an understated Robert Downey Jr. and Holly Hunter), their mom and crazy aunt Gladys. Also, shaky-chinned Claire Danes and douchey Dylan McDermott. “LET’S EAT DEAD BIRD!”
5. Bad Santa. Sarcastic drunk mall Santa befriends overly optimistic fat kid. Hilarity ensues. ‘Nuff said.
I’m not in Barbados, you’re not in Barbados, we’re all not in Barbados. Except for Rihanna, who wants you to know that she’s there, soaking up the sun and enjoying the holidays and Caribbean Dream chronic on a wicker chair.
I honestly can’t say that I’m jealous. She may be avoiding the eggnog-related car crashes and last-minute shoppers, but she’s also with her family. And that’s where I am too. Christmas is always great because I get to go to the movie theater, eat sugar in excess, open presents and spend time with the people I love in the same day. Honestly, what could be better than listening to my mom read eccentric New York Times articles about frogs? Continue reading “Merry Christmas From Barbados!”
I’m not sure what I did for holidays before Courtney Stodden came along. The woman who somehow manages to be ten thousand times less talented than Snooki, Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian, puts the “f” in fun (and other words) and doesn’t discriminate.
Halloween, Christmas, Thanksgiving, 52-year-olds – all fair game.
Stodden is like Taylor Momsen in that she never let being underage get in the way of her sexualized antics. Now that she’s 18, she shows no signs of slowing down the antics (or visits to McNamara/Troy).
The 2012 Kardashian Christmas card is surprisingly white and reminiscent of a New Year’s mixer sponsored by Harry Winston. Notice the stand-outs…
Grandma Samantha Jones enjoying champagne with barren childless Khloe, Kendall Jenner showcasing the gams, and DJ of the event, Rob “Rawdog” Kardashian. Continue reading “Happy Holidays From The Kardashian-Jenner-Odom-Disick Family!”