Simon Cowell Impregnated The Woman He Sometimes Ogles

Simon Cowell Lauren Silverman boat
Idol/Britain’s Got Talent/X-Factor judge Simon Cowell knocked up his friend’s wife, this kind of Demi Moore-looking woman that he likes to look at through binoculars even though she’s sitting right in front of him.

The baby mama, Lauren Silverman, is being compared to Blake Lively’s character on Gossip Girl because she’s a New York socialite. According to sources, she used his penis to wipe her tears after becoming estranged from her husband, Simon’s past-tense friend. (Who’s the third wheel now, bitch?)  Continue reading “Simon Cowell Impregnated The Woman He Sometimes Ogles”

Georgia Authorities Arrest Reese Witherspoon For Disorderly Conduct *UPDATE*

Reese Witherspoon mugshotSouthern belle Reese Witherspoon was arrested for disorderly conduct at 3:30 a.m. on Friday.

The adorable actress was reportedly handcuffed because she refused to stay in the car after her husband and agent, James Toth, was pulled over for a DUI in Atlanta.

Cops in Georgia are real douchebags. I mean, Reese is 5’1″ and couldn’t hurt a fly even if she wanted to. It doesn’t matter if she jumped out of the car with a machete yelling about severed heads.

TMZ says she tried to play up her celebrity status, yelling “Do you know my name?” and “You are going to be on national news” to avoid getting in trouble.

You do not simply arrest Reese Witherspoon. Her and Kristin Chenoweth are off limits. He should have just fed her a Snickers and ran.

UPDATE: The man who arrested her wrote in the report that she hung her head out the window and yelled that she was didn’t believe he was a “real police officer.”

Reese has released a statement saying she “clearly had one drink too many” and is “deeply embarrassed.”

Khloe Kardashian Isn’t Schtooping The Game Behind Lamar’s Back

Khloe Kardashian and the gameDr. Dre protégé The Game debunked rumors that he is a “major threat” to Khloe Kardashian’s marriage because she jumped on his back once at a park.

Earlier in the week, Star Magazine and Life & Style reported that Khloe  spends night and day talking about, texting and thinking about The Game. Even when she’s in bed with her husband, she’s masturbating with a Nike shoe, dreaming about his face tattoos.

“Khloe is my friend. She is like a sister. We have never and will never be sleeping together. Lamar is my homie and her husband and I wish people wouldn’t spread such false rumors,” he told TMZ.  Continue reading “Khloe Kardashian Isn’t Schtooping The Game Behind Lamar’s Back”

Christina Applegate Weds Porno for Pyros Bassist Martyn LeNoble

Christina Applegate's husbandChristina Applegate married musician Martyn LeNoble in a ceremony so private that there aren’t even any overhead photos of her dress being blown around by paparazzi helicopter blades.

LeNoble is the bassist for the Perry Farrell-fronted Porno for Pyros (who are said to become active later this year). More recently, he was employed as a composer on Applegate’s show, Up All Night.

He’s also credited with holding her hand during her bout with breast cancer at the beginning of their relationship in 2008. (Now I feel bad for thinking he looks like a cyborg in the sunlight.)

Somewhere, Kate Winslet is raising her hand, hoping for a trade involving Richard Branson’s nephew.

Amazon Puts Gay Married Couple in Kindle Paperwhite Commercial

Gay Kindle adToday, during that educational show about Armenian mating rituals, my teeth almost fell out of my face when I saw the new Kindle ad with a surprise ending.

A man and a woman on an iPad and a Paperwhite are reading by the beach in a tropical location…

The man expresses frustration at not being able to see due to the glare on his device (this is the boring part), so the woman explains that the built-in light in her Kindle is oh so wonderful, even in the sun. Then he’s like, “I just spent over $100, let’s celebrate…”  Continue reading “Amazon Puts Gay Married Couple in Kindle Paperwhite Commercial”

Actress Claims She Had An Emotional Affair With Patrick Swayze

You’d probably have a hard time blindly guessing which leading lady had a non-sexual affair with Patrick Swayze, so I’ll just tell you that it’s Kirstie Alley and not Jennifer Grey or Demi Moore.

Even though Swayze is not alive to defend himself, we don’t have to assume that Alley is telling the truth. Quite the opposite in fact, this is the perfect time to say you had a strong mental connection with one of the most swoonworthy men in history.  Continue reading “Actress Claims She Had An Emotional Affair With Patrick Swayze”

Amy Winehouse’s Ex-Husband Blake Fielder Is In An Alcohol-Related Coma

A little more than a year ago, in July of 2011, Amy Winehouse died of alcohol intoxication.

Fielder, who married the troubled singer in 2007 and found himself divorced two years later, is in an induced coma after the mother of his child (Sarah Aspin) reportedly found him choking in his bed due to organ failure from alcohol intoxication.

Winehouse’s father Mitch often spoke out about the danger of his daughter’s relationship to Blake, but still urges you to send good thoughts his way. “Terrible news about Blake this morning. Remember Amy loved him. Let’s pray for his recovery,” He wrote on Twitter.

Aspin has a similar message. “I’m praying he’ll survive, but I’m having to prepare myself that he may never wake up.”

Anna Paquin For Bust Magazine, June/July 2012

Anna Paquin, star of True Blood and the second youngest person ever to win an Academy Award (Tatum O’Neal is the first) graced the cover of Bust for their June/July issue.

Lisa Butterworth’s interview reveals Paquin’s thoughts on labels and how, even after being condemned by judgmental eyes, she could find no reason “compelling” enough to not date her co-star, Stephen Moyer.

Now they’re married and she’s the stepmother to his two children. Good instincts: check. Brain/beauty: double check.

Disdain for Twitter: “I’d chuck myself in front of a bus for you, but I don’t really care if you put one or two shots of espresso in your coffee this morning.”

On modern femininity: “There are these very archaic stereotypes about female sexuality and what it means to be a woman. You’re supposed to pick a category – are you a girly girl, are you a tomboy, are you this, are you that?”  Continue reading “Anna Paquin For Bust Magazine, June/July 2012”

Kris Humphries Is Whipped

Kris Humphries, that giant who kidnapped Kim Kardashian who along with Taylor Lautner, suffers from UUCF (undeveloped upper caveman face) has a new manager!

It’s his mother -in-law! Succubus Kris Jenner

When Khloe Kardashian married basketball star Lamar Odom  (10,000 times bigger than Humphries) Kris Jenner also took over his career as well, taking a 25% manager fee.

So, Kris helped Lamar (Odashian) work on his fragrance and landed him his reality show on E! with Khloe… What emasculating things can Mrs. Jenner help Kris Humphries do? Design his own tutu line? Help create porcelain figurines of all the NBA teams that are better than the New Jersey Nets?

Hmmmm, I wonder.

A friend to the Kardashian family explained,

“Expect his and her clothes, towels, watches, shoes and by the time they have a baby together, forget it. They will be able to buy the bank.”

Continue reading “Kris Humphries Is Whipped”