BREAKING: Amanda Bynes is Disgusting

Amanda Bynes nakedPhotos featured in In Touch Magazine show Amanda Bynes living in squalor, smoking resin on a mattress with no sheet like a born crackhead. Bynes says In Touch “bought fake altered photos” by the “ugly black man” standing behind her.

“That’s not my bed! Those aren’t my toes! My toes are pedicured!” she whined on Twitter.

Obviously Amanda is f*cking with us. She knows we know those are her nasty, unpedicured fungus toes. She’s playing a game that we should not indulge, but it’s really hard not to. She’s like Jigsaw.

—-> Reminds me of this video.<—-

In Touch’s sources (partygoers) describe the apartment that unquestionably belongs to her as “empty” with spray-painted windows. They also say that Amanda is mentally “all over the place.”  Continue reading “BREAKING: Amanda Bynes is Disgusting”

Pregnancy Gave Drew Barrymore a Red Goatee

Drew Barrymore goatee Are you afraid to have a child because you can’t imagine being able to afford industrial gobs of cocoa butter, therapy, diapers, vaginoplasty and tiny containers of apple sauce? Well, add hair removal to that list. Drew Barrymore grew a beard while she was pregnant with her daughter, and so could you.

“I got a wonderful little goatee, and it was red! I also got hyperpigmentation on my cheeks,” Barrymore told In Touch.

Hair removal and a ton of powder for when your face turns into a poppy seed muffin. Good luck passing the drug test.

Kris Jenner Spent 1989 With Her Legs Above Her Head, Ignoring Her Kids

Kris Jenner unfit motherForgive me, but I just find this story so goddamn funny. Not the neglectful part. Just that Kris Jenner was such a sex-obsessed, Fassbender-in-Shame-style 80’s nymphomaniac that she couldn’t be bothered to pick up a phone.

In an In Touch “exclusive,” which a rep for the Kardashian klan called “ridiculous,” the magazine claims to have obtained the late Robert Kardashian’s handwritten journals, which are full of complaints about his irresponsible ex-wife.

Inside, we learn (using “learn” loosely) that Kris kicked and beat Kim in August of 1989 and was so into Todd Waterman (that guy she just happened to run into on KUWTK) that she was never home.

Continue reading “Kris Jenner Spent 1989 With Her Legs Above Her Head, Ignoring Her Kids”

Tabloids Privy to Kristen Stewart’s Master Plan to Become Hollywood’s Most Hated Woman

In Touch reports that Kristen Stewart, who went through hell after kissing a married 41-year-old director in a car, is likely to seduce Ben Affleck on the set of movie (Focus) that she hasn’t even been confirmed to star in.

“She’s moving on – to steamy sex scenes with Ben Affleck. Why Jennifer Garner should be very, very worried” the attention-grabbing headline reads.

Remember when Jack in the Box actually became safer to eat at after all those kids died of E. coli in 1993? The same goes for Kristen. And it’s not like she was ever sitting around gnawing on her hair, pointing her Converse at every penis-having human that walked past her trailer.

Everyone forgave Angelina Jolie when she made out with her brother and stole Brad Pitt from Jennifer Aniston because they consider her to be beautiful and a talented actress.  Continue reading “Tabloids Privy to Kristen Stewart’s Master Plan to Become Hollywood’s Most Hated Woman”

I Think We Have A Situation… It’s A Boy!

The vodka prenatal vitamin guzzling queen of the Jersey Shore has sold her “big Snooki interview” (as they not-so-subtly stamped on their cover) to In Touch where she revealed the sex of her baby with Jionni LaValle.

Now, depending on dominant genes, this baby could end up looking like either Mark Consuelos (he’s half-Italian half-Latino just like their baby will be), or James Gandolfini, just because.

Their baby could grow up to be so many things… a firefighter like Snooki’s dad, a wrestler like Jionni’s relatives or a reality television star, like mom.

“Everyone said I was going to have a boy, and they were right!” Snooki told the magazine. “I thought it was going to be a girl. I was hoping it would be, because all girls want girls, it’s still my baby, no matter what.” The couple is deciding on two names – Lorenzo or Jionni Jr.  Continue reading “I Think We Have A Situation… It’s A Boy!”