Andy Dick Stole a Necklace, Got on His Bicycle and Promptly Went to Jail

In D-list celebrities committing crimes news, Andy Dick was briefly arrested for grand theft after riding away on his bike with some guy’s jewelry

Apparently Andy approached the man on Hollywood Blvd., asked to see his $1000 necklace and then bolted off with it.

No idea if he did it for attention or because he really just liked it THAT MUCH, but sending Andy Dick to a jail full of big burly bros with a thing for petite blonds for thievery is like sending me to the Cheesecake Factory for double homicide.

We can only hope male Piper Kerman hasn’t been bailed out yet and is still living the dream.

Saddest Selfie of All Time?

wiz-jail Here’s why Wiz Khalifa’s selfie from a jail cell in El Paso is one of the saddest of all time:

He was caught with a mere 0.5 grams of weed (he had 60 grams on his tour bus in 2010).

The only thing that costs less than his $300 bail is Amber Rose’s haircut.

It looks like he’s wearing a diaper.

The police are investigating the contraband phone, as inmates are not allowed to take pictures from jail, so He PROBABLY had to shove it up his ass, which explains the diaper and the look on his face.

Worst of all, he was released, so we still have to listen to his music and watch him try to form words at award shows.

Chris Brown Sentenced to Jail Time That he Won’t Really Have to Serve

Chris Brown court 2014Le sigh. All-around sh*tty human being Chris Brown was just sentenced to 131 days, but due to overcrowding and confusing legal logistics, his lawyer thinks he’ll be out by Monday.

Brown pleaded guilty to violating his probation to speed up the process of being a free man who will most definitely continue to assault men and women and basically all living things.

He seems like the type to pull the wings off butterflies and dropkick newborn pandas, but judges and juries can’t be bothered with such things. Judges and juries care about what kind of sandwiches they’ll be able to eat on break and getting off work ASAP so they can go home and fall asleep to Dog the Bounty Hunter marathons. Via CNN:

“I would expect that Chris should be out of jail before the weekend’s up or before Monday,” Geragos said after the hearing. “If he isn’t out by Monday, then I would expect he’s getting special treatment. He’s got over 230 days credit on a 365 and generally the sheriff is releasing on a lot less than that.”

Brown’s probation for the 2009 beating of ex-girlfriend Rihanna was revoked after his arrest in connection to a misdemeanor assault charge out of Washington

Dream-shatterers! My vision of him being taken from behind by a man with a hairy back isn’t being realized. I haven’t felt this empty since grocery stores stopped carrying New York Seltzer and Orange Slice…

Chris Brown Headed To Rehab… For Anger

chris brown in court d.c.After having his felony assault charges against a D.C. man reduced to a misdemeanor, Chris Brown has checked into a rehab center in Malibu to help get his temper under control.

Did I say to get his temper under control? I meant to make people think he’s an imperfect person who can improve after a little counseling and yoga under palm trees.

Great publicity move, but anyone with a fraction of a brain cell knows that Chris Brown isn’t a circumstantial dickhead, he’s a no-hope toolshed full of dildos who miraculously avoids jail time by blinding people with his sh*tty imitation Usher bull honky.  Continue reading “Chris Brown Headed To Rehab… For Anger”

Chris Brown VIOLATES PROBATION, Commits Felony Assault in D.C.

Chris Brown monkeyChris Brown was arrested and jailed this morning for assaulting a man outside of the W Hotel in downtown D.C.

There’s a bit of a he said/he said situation going on, but the altercation either started because the victim photobombed Brown while he was posing with two female fans, OR Brown broke the man’s nose after he tried to jump on his tour bus.

Chris, who is still on probation for beating Rihanna senseless, faces up to 4 years in prison. From TMZ:

Law enforcement sources and the alleged victim tell TMZ … before striking the man, Chris said, “I’m not into this gay s**t, I’m into boxing.  After Chris punched the man, the fight was taken to the ground.

Funny how he’s constantly yammering on about how everyone needs to get over the past and forget about the time he lost his temper and beat up an internationally loved pop star. That he’s “not that guy” and blah blah blah. Cross your fingers for sodomy.  Continue reading “Chris Brown VIOLATES PROBATION, Commits Felony Assault in D.C.”

Frank Ocean Wants Chris Brown Poked With Splintery Penitentiary Wood

92387985JK095_POWER_105_1_SYesterday I told you about the latest barnyard rooster fight where Chris Brown and Frank Ocean went into a trance of unnatural posture and puffed-out chests over a parking space or whose wattle hangs lower.

Well, today there are various reports relating to the tussle. My favorite is that Frank Ocean wants to press charges.

You know how Iron Man has that shrapnel magnet in his chest? Well, in my dreams, Chris is in a jail cell with a guy who holds the remote control to a giant buttplug in his ass, and every time he misbehaves, it deeply penetrates him AND shocks him with 2000 volts of electricity. Even better than heart-piercing shrapnel, yeah? Continue reading “Frank Ocean Wants Chris Brown Poked With Splintery Penitentiary Wood”

Stevie Nicks Apologizes For Saying She Would Have Laid The Smack Down On Nicki Minaj

Stevie Nicks is apologizing for saying that if she’d swapped places with Mariah Carey during the infamous Nicki Minaj feud she would have gone to jail for murdering her.

“If I had been Mariah I would have walked over to Nicki and strangled her to death right there. I would have killed her in front of all those people and had to go to jail for it,” she told The Daily.

In a written apology, the 64-year-old Fleetwood Mac singer blames exhaustion.  Continue reading “Stevie Nicks Apologizes For Saying She Would Have Laid The Smack Down On Nicki Minaj”

Fiona Apple Will Go To Jail For At Least Two Years

Because possessing hash in Texas is a third-degree felony, Fiona Apple faces up to 10 years in jail after her arrest on Wednesday for having four grams on her tour bus (big surprise, the lady with the octopus on her head likes THC).

A third-degree felony in the lone star state gets you at least two years in prison and a maximum of 10, according to the penal code.

Apple was busted in Hudspeth, the same county where Willie Nelson and Snoop Dogg were detained. At a concert on Friday in Houston at  Bayou Music Center, she attempted to explain what happened.

Continue reading “Fiona Apple Will Go To Jail For At Least Two Years”

Someone Finally Took Away Amanda Bynes’ Car, Lindsay Wants Her In Jail

When you hear “Lindsay Lohan” and “Amanda Bynes” mentioned in the same sentence, you would likely assume that one came to the other’s aid, since they’re both terrible drivers who love getting stoned and feel “misunderstood” by the public and media.

Surprisingly, Lindsay is NOT defending Amanda, quite the opposite – she thinks Amanda should be in jail.

It’s only fair since she went for violating her probation in 2010 (but only went for 14 of the 90 days due to overcrowding), right?

“Why did I get put in jail and a nickelodeon star has had NO punishment(s) so far?” Lohan wrote on Twitter Sunday.  Continue reading “Someone Finally Took Away Amanda Bynes’ Car, Lindsay Wants Her In Jail”

Exactly What Can We Expect From Jerry Sandusky’s Tell-All Book?

Here’s what the book Jerry Sandusky is writing in prison is going to look like…

Cheap font on the front cover. Picture of Jerry looking just happy enough for us to know the timeline. After 1990, when we assume he first started ruining the future’s of young boys, and before his arrest in 2011.

The body will reveal little. Page one: “I like football.” Page two: “I did nothing wrong.” Page three: “I swear I did nothing wrong.” Page four: “In 1998, when I was first investigated for child abuse, I did nothing.” Page five: “I also did nothing wrong after 1998.” Pages 6-200: “There are a lot of misconceptions about me.”

All we can hope for is a title less horrifying than Touched: The Jerry Sandusky Story.

Artie Lange Arrested In Paris

Comedian Artie Lange was put into a French jail after getting into an intense argument with his girlfriend (Adrianne something?) outside of a local theater last month.

He explained on The Nick And Artie Show that he flew into a rage and called her an “effing cunt.”

The cops arrived and attempted to calm him, but Lange “took a swing” at them, which ultimately closed the deal on his arrest.

Lange, who was booted from The Stern Show in 2009 due to substance abuse, says he was completely sober at the time of the incident.

I’d forgive him, but only if he yelled “YO ADRIANNE!!!” during the fight.

Conrad Murray Thinks Katherine Jackson Would Be Put ‘At Peace’ If She Visited Him In Jail

Conrad Murray released a statement that Katherine Jackson, who now shares custody of Michael’s children with Tito Jackson’s son, would benefit from meeting with him in the Los Angeles County Jail.

“I’ve been told that she has a desire to speak with me before she departs this life,” the statement said.

“Seeing that she is up in age and in questionable health, and the fact that she is the mother of a very dear departed friend, it would give me great pleasure to sit with her one on one and answer any questions she might have. It would put her at peace, I would do that truly out of concern for her and altruistic love and concern for others.”  Continue reading “Conrad Murray Thinks Katherine Jackson Would Be Put ‘At Peace’ If She Visited Him In Jail”

Tyler, The Creator Got Arrested, Pretended It Never Happened

MTV Best New Artist VMA winner Tyler, The Creator was arrested on December 22nd at the Roxy Theatre in Los Angeles for vandalism. Even though there’s a mugshot and police report, he’s denying the whole thing.

Tyler (real last name: Okonma) was performing with his group, Odd Future, when the situation got out of hand. Roxy employees were forced to call the police after he yelled at the sound tech and destroyed a microphone and soundboard.

His denial doesn’t surprise me, the guy may be one the biggest ignoramuses I’ve ever seen. His Twitter, the site he used to express his fake surprise at the story of his arrest, reads like Rush Limbaugh’s thought process. Here are a few gems from it…

Continue reading “Tyler, The Creator Got Arrested, Pretended It Never Happened”

Jodie Foster’s Father Sentenced To 5 Years In Jail

Jodie Foster’s father, Lucius Foster, was sentenced to five years in jail on Thursday for duping 21 home buyers out of thousands of dollars in a scheme that could have landed him behind bars for much much longer.

The crime Foster, 89, committed could easily have earned him 25 years, a life sentence for someone his age. Lucky for him, he has a second chance and will likely not serve his full sentence due to overcrowding. He will be liable for a large sum of money, probably more than $150,000, the prosecutor speculated.

Continue reading “Jodie Foster’s Father Sentenced To 5 Years In Jail”

Infamous Nude Cell Phone Hacker Put Behind Bars

Christopher Chaney, the man responsible for leaking Scarlett Johansson’s nude pictures was arrested  in Jacksonville, Florida by the FBI for crimes that include wiretapping and identity theft.

Chaney, 35, gained access to the phones and emails of not only Johansson but also Christina Aguilera, Kreayshawn, Vanessa Hudgens, Mila Kunis (though all he found were penises) and many others.

The hacker was put in jail but isn’t there anymore. He was released on a $10,000 bond and ordered avoid computers and stay at his parent’s home…

Continue reading “Infamous Nude Cell Phone Hacker Put Behind Bars”

Petey Pablo Sentenced To Three Years In Jail

Hip-Hop artist Petey Pablo has been sentenced to 35 months in prison in North Carolina, the state he was born and raised in. Pablo aka Moses Barrett III plead guilty to the charges in March, for possession of a stolen firearm.

Barrett was at Raleight-Durham International Airport in NC on September 11th, 2010 when security found a semi-automatic 9 mm pistol (that was loaded) in his bag.

On top of that, authorities realized that the weapon was stolen in a home burglary in CA in 2005. He will begin his sentence in December…

Continue reading “Petey Pablo Sentenced To Three Years In Jail”

Outkast’s Big Boi Arrested On Crazy Drug Charges

One part of Outkast was arrested today in Miami and charged with one count of paraphernalia possession and three counts of controlled substance possession. 36 year old Antwan Patton aka Big Boi was booked at about 1:30 pm  on a $16,000 bond, according to the Florida authorities.

The real juice here is the drugs he had on him, which were found by customs/border patrol dogs. MDMA powder (crushed ectascy) ecstasy tablets AND unprescribed viagra. Whoa. Boi likes to partyyyyy. Apparently while “rolling” with a boner. Ouch.

The contraband was found in his luggage. And his lawyer, Daniel Kane, already issued a statement on his client’s behalf:

“While Big Boi was traveling with his group and friends, a small amount of contraband was found in the collective luggage…I am confident when the entire facts are aired Big Boi will be completely exonerated.”

Hmmmm… Hopefully this won’t impact that new Outkast material with Andre 3000 we’ve been hearing about.