Sorry Jenna Dewan, But Channing Tatum is the White Devil

channing tatum albino In the upcoming Wachowski Brothers’ flick, Jupiter Ascending, due summer of 2014 (because it’s sci-fi and sci-fi takes foreverrrr *cough* *cough* Avatar *cough* Prometheus), our boy Channing Tatum plays a knee pad-wearing assassin cross between a wolf and a human who also happens to be an albino…

This is the only time I’m ever going to bring up The Matrix Reloaded, ever, but if you remember, the Wachowskis utilized a set of 50% bald white Stevie Wonder lookin’ motherfuckers in that too, which had me wondering….

Why are there more albinos in the future? Does that mean there’s hope for me?

Also, is there hope for this movie, or Jenna Dewan if he still looks like that in the bedroom during filming?

How Channing Tatum Snubbed The Press With a Single Facebook Photo

channing tatum jenna dewan baby picI get slightly confused when people say Channing Tatum is smart.

I mean, smarts don’t really matter much when you’re that handsome and charismatic, I’m just saying that when the zombie apocalypse comes and the undead come looking for brains they may just pass him up. 

Regardless, the director of White House Down said he wouldn’t have cast Tatum if he hadn’t been so nice and “super smart” and poke-a-hole-in-the-condom worthy.

Beautiful brainless people do have their moments. Kim Kardashian had hers with the whole baby photo switcheroo and Charming Potato and his wife Jenna Dewan had a similar, f*ck those people moment involving their newborn…

Instead of selling their tater tot’s smashed skin fold pug face (I’m speaking generally here) to Us Weekly or People for a fat paycheck, the Potato family decided to simply put a photo of Everly Tatum on Facebook.

Continue reading “How Channing Tatum Snubbed The Press With a Single Facebook Photo”

Stories I’m Too Lazy To Write About [12-31-12]

Channing beach shellChanning Tatum puts on big boy snorkel mask, fetches a shell for Jenna Dewan. (ohmyGAHH!)

To compensate for her sister’s ballooning pouch, Ashlee Simpson is wasting away. (Radar)

Lovie Smith, Romeo Crennel, Andy Reid and other NFL coaches and GMs fired. (Deadspin)

Rihanna/Lana favorite A$AP Rocky sued for assaulting photographers while high. (NME)

Adam Lambert wonders why Les Miserables execs hired people who couldn’t sing. (Evil Beet)

Mother gives her new #daughter the #worst, least-trendy #trending name ever. (Huffington Post)

Justin Theroux doesn’t quite have Brad Pitt’s Adonis physique. Almost, but not quite. (Celebuzz)

Add Fatherhood to the List of Things You Love About Channing Tatum

Channing Tatum wife JennaSexiest man alive Channing Tatum and most-envied woman alive Jenna Dewan-Tatum are expecting their first child! After speculation that Dewan was sporting a baby bump at VH1 Divas, representatives for the couple told People that they are “pleased to announce” the arrival of a tiny charming potato sometime next year.

Channing said in an interview just last month that they were both “ready” for children.

“The first number that pops into my head is three, but I just want one to be healthy and then we’ll see where we go after that. It’s really easy for us guys to say, ‘I want like 15 kids.’ Jenna will be like, ‘Well you better get another wife!'”  Continue reading “Add Fatherhood to the List of Things You Love About Channing Tatum”