JWoww At Four Months Pregnant Looks Like JWoww At No Months Pregnant

jwoww four months pregnantJersey Shore‘s “smartest” survivor Jenni “JWoww” Farley, who predictably found out she was pregnant while she was at a tanning convention, somehow looks fit as a mofo at four months.

After taking several tests and repeatedly seeing only a blurry line, JWoww landed in Nashville and had her manager get her a “stupid proof” test that spelled out the word pregnant. From jennifarley.com:

I cried and Roger looked like he was going to pass out! Hahaha. That day in Nashville I was on cloud nine.

And keep in mind that the baby will look like her BEFORE the plastic surgery. And by “like her before the plastic surgery” I mean “better.” (Snooki’s godchild also has a 90% chance of having a crazy name.)

Pauly D’s Sperm Count Apparently Not Affected by Hair Gel Toxins

pauly d hair gel french fry hairPauly D, second most well-known male cast member of Jersey Shore, is reportedly seeking custody of a lovechild he created during one of his many stints as a DJ in Vegas.

The now five-month-old baby was conceived with 25-year-old Amanda Markert, a fun-loving college student who formerly made a living peddling her dusty jugs across the wasteland known as Atlantic City.

It’s super shocking to hear that he not only wants custody of a potentially life-ruining applesauce guzzler, but that the booze, hair gel and tanning bed radiation didn’t stunt his swimmers.

I guess if Snooki can beat the odds and not incur damage to her eggs via electricity zapped through her Everest-sized poof, why can’t he? From Hollywood Life:

Pauly doesn’t think that the 25-year-old mother of his child, Amanda, is a fit mother because she used to work at Hooters and has another child, according to TMZ.

The two have reportedly filed dueling court docs because Pauly wants custody of his ADORABLE baby daughter, since he allegedly hasn’t physically seen the child yet. Amanda wants child support, even though Pauly is requesting custody — which may be a good thing, since Amanda took a picture of Amabella in a high chair that was covered in $100 bills.

Hey, Mr. D, Are you sure you got a legit paternity test? Because that churren totally has an afro.
Amanda Markert Dj Pauly d baby mamaPauly D lovechildamanda markert pauly d instagram
Read: Amanda Markert: 5 Things To Know About Pauly D’s Baby’s Mother

Snooki and Elizabeth Berkeley Are Taking ‘Dancing With The Stars’ By Storm

Snooki showgirls Elzabeth BerkeleyThe cast of season 17 of Dancing With The Stars was announced today, and while it included semi-knowns like Billy Nye, Leah Remini, Jack Osbourne and Amber Riley, I only care about two names…

Snooki and freaking Elizabeth Berkeley! Yes. This means that my dream of the Notorious Tan Midget hanging out with a real giant (sorry JWoww) is about to come true.

At 5’10”, Elizabeth Berkeley (of Saved by the Bell fame), stands a foot and two inches above Snooki, who is 4’8″.

They will become lifelong friends, starting with getting drunk on the Jersey pier and yelling lines from the Showgirls script at each other. I never watch this shitty show and I don’t plan on it now, but I will keep my eyes on Ms. Polizzi’s Twitter and Instagram for photos of them tearing it up.

JWoww Proves Once and For All That Duct Tape is America’s Favorite Fix-All

Jwoww tape Whoever runs the show over at NOH8 deserves a medal. In a new campaign, they’ve managed to tape down the three most inflated things (discounting egos) on the shores of Jersey… Jenni “JWoww” Farley‘s lips and tits.

I’m sure the public can’t wait for equality awareness pioneers NOH8 to mute castmates Snooki, Pauly D and The Situation.

She looks like a woman who escaped her rapist and accidentally wandered into a protest. And YOU KNOW the poor sap who was applying the tape made her stay a little longer than she was supposed to. Mumbling about how he missed a spot. (And he did! Look at the left one.)

Snooki Got a Tattoo of a Flying, Crown-Wearing Leopard

Snooki leopard tattoo Snooki got a sixth ink blotch last week in L.A. at The Marlett Tattoo Parlor after taping the last ever Jersey Shore reunion.

On her blog, she says that no one but Jionni had previously seen the “fierce” tattoo, which represents her being an independent woman who loves leopard prints.

“The crown represents being a queen and being fabulous, and the wings represent everyone who has passed in my family. Anytime I can incorporate my loved ones who have passed, I do it!” 

Alright, alright Snooki, try not to be too excited. There’s a social barometer I think that says you can’t use exclamation points when talking about dead people.

Question… isn’t a flying leopard basically just the Wal-Mart/Claire’s Accessories version of a Griffin?

‘Jersey Shore’ Series Finale Means More Spinoffs For Snooki, JWoww, Vinny and Pauly

Snooki and Jwoww season 2The 71st and final episode of Jersey Shore aired on Thursday, Dec. 20 and means the beginning of the end of eight careers, a process that is set in motion by MTV spinoff shows for the more marketable cast members.

A trailer for Control The Crazy author and Jersey Shore Shark Attack star Vinny Guadagnino’s “hybrid talk/reality series” called The Show With Vinny aired during the reunion.

The sneak peek revealed that celebrities (like Lil’ Wayne) will be embarrassed by his uncle Nino joining him and his crazy family for dinner in Staten Island.  Continue reading “‘Jersey Shore’ Series Finale Means More Spinoffs For Snooki, JWoww, Vinny and Pauly”

The Shore House Is ‘Still Standing’ After Hurricane Sandy

I’ve heard of homes flooded with four feet of water, childhood items ruined in basements, seen photos of a river rushing down Wall Street, abandoned Subway stations and submerged Yellow Cabs.

Hurricane Sandy-related property damages are estimated at around $20 billion but I’m still somehow not surprised that the place Snooki, JWoww, Pauly D, The Situation and the gang called home is intact.

Continue reading “The Shore House Is ‘Still Standing’ After Hurricane Sandy”

Your Daily Snooki (Why Can’t This Be A Reality?)

Calm down. I’m not actually going to post about Snooki every single day. I unofficially almost do that anyway, so there’s no need for an announcement.

There is a need however, for Snooki and Lindsay Lohan to run for president and VP, though I really think Snooki’s name should be on top. We all know Lindsay would turn the Oval Office into a meth lab, whereas Snooki would merely replace the flags with Leopard print throws.

Anyway, I’m a big fan and feel the need to summarize her life. Jersey Shore is back for its final season and pregnant Snooki (who is partially responsible for this being the last season) moved out of the shore house because she couldn’t get a good night’s sleep with all the hooting and hollering and smooshing. Cutie McSausage is still on the show, just not in the house.

Continue reading “Your Daily Snooki (Why Can’t This Be A Reality?)”

It’s The End Of An Era, ‘Jersey Shore’ Cancelled After Six Seasons

MTV has announced that Jersey Shore‘s sixth season, premiering October 4, will be its conclusion. As in, series finale.

No more gym tan laundry sex, no more Situation lifting up his shirt to remind women that he’s not a potato nailed to a Hollister mannequin, no more silicon JWoww blueprint in the mirror, no more bar fights or juicehead chest-beating…

Of course there’s always The Real World and Bad Girls Club if you are missing the fights THAT bad.

And of course Snooki will always be available to you, if you want her to be. She’s like Tinkerbell, if you clap for her (and by clap I mean follow on Twitter) she won’t die. Also, her birth will be televised on Snooki & JWoww.  Continue reading “It’s The End Of An Era, ‘Jersey Shore’ Cancelled After Six Seasons”

Rihanna Is Happy For Snooki, Says All Women Are ‘Reproductive Machines’

Rihanna bestie Katy Perry may have competition in Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi. In March the Barbadian pop star told Access Hollywood:

“Snooki, I mean she’s awesome. I’m so happy for her it’s shocking to the world she has a baby because we’ve now perceived her as this character but she’s really a human being, she’s a grown woman. And women have kids, we’re reproductive machines, that’s what we’re here for.”

This is why people are sometimes on the fence about Rihanna. She acts like there’s nothing wrong with being club friends with her violent ex-boyfriend who made her face look like a halved pomegranate AND she talks about women as if they’re robotic baby factories.  Continue reading “Rihanna Is Happy For Snooki, Says All Women Are ‘Reproductive Machines’”

Who Put The Tequila On This Meatball? Deena Cortese Arrested For Public Intoxication

One half of  “team meatball” was arrested yesterday for drunk and disorderly conduct.

Eyewitnesses noticed Deena Cortese wobbling around the wooden planks of Seaside Heights in New Jersey in the afternoon while filming season six of her Guido-centric show.

The police watched her for several minutes, as if she were a lost monkey from the zoo (to be fair I did almost check the “Animals” category for this post), but eventually grew tired of her antics and took her in.

So who from the cast hasn’t been arrested? I’m guessing Sammi, Vinny and Jwoww. Speaking of Jwoww, she sprained her ankle just the other day, after her boyfriend and the male cast of Jersey Shore got into a bar fight. Continue reading “Who Put The Tequila On This Meatball? Deena Cortese Arrested For Public Intoxication”

I Think We Have A Situation… It’s A Boy!

The vodka prenatal vitamin guzzling queen of the Jersey Shore has sold her “big Snooki interview” (as they not-so-subtly stamped on their cover) to In Touch where she revealed the sex of her baby with Jionni LaValle.

Now, depending on dominant genes, this baby could end up looking like either Mark Consuelos (he’s half-Italian half-Latino just like their baby will be), or James Gandolfini, just because.

Their baby could grow up to be so many things… a firefighter like Snooki’s dad, a wrestler like Jionni’s relatives or a reality television star, like mom.

“Everyone said I was going to have a boy, and they were right!” Snooki told the magazine. “I thought it was going to be a girl. I was hoping it would be, because all girls want girls, it’s still my baby, no matter what.” The couple is deciding on two names – Lorenzo or Jionni Jr.  Continue reading “I Think We Have A Situation… It’s A Boy!”

The Jersey Shore House Has To Be Painted WEEKLY

The house that has seen it all – Italian sausage in the hot tub, the mysterious disappearance of Angelina and Snooki‘s poof (I almost posted missing flyers) and all the guido power of 50 Sopranos – is graffitied daily.

Fans and anti-fans alike visit the Seaside Heights house constantly trying to break in, stealing roof shingles and writing their names and messages like “We love you Snooki” in Sharpie, TMZ reports.

Security has been amped up but the house still has to be repainted on a weekly basis. Fortunately it’s on MTV to pay for damages when the house is occupied by the Jersey Shore cast.  Continue reading “The Jersey Shore House Has To Be Painted WEEKLY”

Deena Cortese Changed Her Face/Body

Deena Cortese, one half of “team meatball” and replacement to Angelina in season three of Jersey Shore looks very different lately.

She showed up at MTV’s Spring Break party and immediately sparked plastic surgery rumors.

Cortese had veneers put on her teeth and told Twitter followers that she changed her diet, thinned her eyebrows and improved her makeup skills.

“Just to let ya know..I have not got any plastic surgery yes in the past i have had a nose job and i am not against plastic surgery at all…I am not afraid to ADMIT i got plastic surgery so if I do, I’ll let u know.”

“I thinned my eyebrows and lost weight thanks to the @freshdiet and learned how to do my makeup. Lighter eye shadow brings out my eyes and highlight under my eyes gives an effect of higher cheek bones. The end.”

MTV Buckles Down For Sober Situation And Mother Snookeresa

Jersey Shore fans, get ready for some news to quake your kooka. All you spray-tan loving, stupidity voyeurism-addiction-having motherfuckers better prepare for some new cast members as the show ‘transitions into a new generation.’

According to TMZ, MTV network executives are searching for fresh talent to incorporate into seasons six and seven. The production company behind the runaway exploitative hit, 495, look to limit The Situation and Snooki’s roles in light of their recent life changes.

Mike Sorrentino will likely be sober or at least keeping a TV facade of sobriety while Snooki prepares to breastfeed pour White Russians directly into her baby’s mouth. (Speculation)

Dial-A-Star Celebrities, F-List And Below

For anywhere from five to twenty seven dollars a minute, depending on how much dignity they lack, you can talk on the phone with real life porn stars celebrities with the new service, “Dial-A-Star.”

According to the outdated website it’s “the only place you can talk directly to a TRUE celebrity!” More reasons why it feels like a phone sex service – they use the words “discreet,” “completely private” and “anonymous.” And what celebs do you get to talk to? The biggest names are:  Continue reading “Dial-A-Star Celebrities, F-List And Below”

Snooki’s Monthly Twitter Summary February

Oh Snooki how I’ve missed you. I keep forgetting to fix my DVR settings and tape Jersey Shore, last I saw she was peeing on the floor of some club and unabashedly talking UTIs.

Today I spent some time scrolling through her Twitter, a task that I do not consider a chore. I will now attempt to teach you all the things I learned. But where do I start? How about where I left off.

Though she has three cats her favorite by far is the orange tabby, Rocky, whom she would “die for” and refers to as her “boyfriend.” The other two, Vito and Tommy, are also never far from her NY side.

She watched the Super Bowl with Jwoww, sporting matching Giants Jerseys even though she admits to being more of a baseball/Mets fan because of her grandfather.  Continue reading “Snooki’s Monthly Twitter Summary February”