Stories I’m Too Lazy To Write About [8-15-12]

Jesus appears to us as shirtless Tim Tebow in GQ. (Us Weekly)

Taylor Swift dates Kennedy kid for a few days, buys a house on the family compound. (People)

Snow White cut from Snow White sequel? (Examiner)

Kim Kardashian is in jail! On television. (Huffington Post)

The Loch Ness monster is totally real. Smaller than you’d imagine. (Daily Mail)

Oldest-sheriff-ever Arnold Schwarzenegger is in town. (Twitch)

Lindsay Lohan and Charlie Sheen are going to die in Scary Movie 5. (Yahoo!)

Katy Perry thinks her ass deserves a season pass AND free flip-flops. (ABC)

Sometimes, members of the communist party are a hoot. Key word: members. (Gawker)

Mel Gibson has no idea why you don’t like him. (Evil Beet)

Guess who’s engaged? Jennifer Aniston and Justin not-Timberlake. (Zap2it)

God Sends Tebow To The Jets, Manning To Broncos

The Denver Broncos acquired Peyton Manning from the Colts after whispers of trades from the Dolphins, Cardinals, Titans and 49ers spread like a wildfire that was extinguished faster than you can say “pigskin.”

Twenty four year-old Tim Tebow may be good for publicity – the face of buzzcut Jesus and a devotion admired by many – but his statistics beg to differ.

He even had me believing for a moment, after he brought Denver to the second round of the playoffs for the first time since 2006. Now he’ll likely be playing alongside Mark Sanchez in a wildcat formation.  Continue reading “God Sends Tebow To The Jets, Manning To Broncos”

Justin Bieber’s Jesus Leg

One of Justin Bieber’s legs totally supports and loves Jesus. The other is an atheist antichrist heretic. I only say that because he just got a new tattoo of thorny crowned Jesus on his left calf.

If you are wondering about other inked parts of Lesbieban, he has the word “Jesus” tatted on his side in Hebrew (his dad has a matching one) and on his lower abdomen, a seagull.

Why the seagull, you ask? Where does it fit with this theme? It’s from a book that according to him, his whole family reads. “It’s like a seagull that wanted to be more than a seagull.” The book? Jonathan Livingston Seagull by Richard Bach, a harmless novella with severely religious undertones.

“You’ve got to understand that a seagull is an unlimited idea of freedom, an image of the Great Gull.”

Continue reading “Justin Bieber’s Jesus Leg”

The Real Headline Is That Bill Maher Types “U” Instead Of “You”

What right does Bill Maher have making fun of Tim Tebow or bible humpers when he is too lazy to spell out the word “you?” Okay, backstory: notorious liberal atheist Maher went on Twitter and made jokes about Jesus fucking over Tebow because he lost so badly (40-14) to the Bills.

I could care less about what fundamentalist windbags are against this week, it’s usually the opposite of interesting. When I heard this story and read the Tweets I was much more surprised and shocked by Bill Maher’s typing style. “Pls?” “u?” “re” instead of “read?”

Continue reading “The Real Headline Is That Bill Maher Types “U” Instead Of “You””

Sinead O’Connor’s Ed Jesus Hardy Beast Tattoo

Sinead O’Connor is having a midlife schizo crisis, first she blogged about her desperate need for anal prodding, then she drastically changed her look. Which she is still doing, now with a brand new tattoo, which she showed off on Thursday at the amfAR Inspiration Gala in L.A.

She must have gone to the Snooki shop of Ed Hardy branding horrors. Sinead’s new tattoo is just another shiny colorful heap of Jesus-y boredom. And why does he look like The Beast, of Beauty And The Beast? Oy motherfucking vey.

She must have missed the memo on spaghetti monster body art being in this winter. I read about it in Vogue, and um, Sunset magazine.