POLL: Worse Embodiment: Red Skull or Justin Bieber?

extreme plastic surgery red skull justin bieberHenry Damon – a man with a wife and children who are either also insane or couldn’t convince him otherwise – has opted for multiple surgeries to make him look more like Red Skull, the satan-faced Nazi nemesis of Captain America.

“Most of my customers know that body modification is the last step of body art, everyone knows very well what they want and as well as Henry, many of them are waiting for me for many years to make their dreams a reality,” said the man who helped the real-life Red Skull tattoo his cheekbones and eyeballs and remove part of his nose.  Continue reading “POLL: Worse Embodiment: Red Skull or Justin Bieber?”

Justin Bieber Falls Lightly Onto Pavement like a Featherweight Princess

justin bieber falling skateboardA few days ago I awoke to uplifting news of Justin Bieber falling off his skateboard, but upon further reading learned that he was barely hurt and gently drifted across the cement like a single sheet of leftover Christmas tissue paper caught in a persistent breeze.

No carnage, just blonde-headed Justin in dress skating poorly but still better than the average schmo reluctantly eating pavement, about as bruised as a green banana. Continue reading “Justin Bieber Falls Lightly Onto Pavement like a Featherweight Princess”

Here’s what Jon Hamm, Justin Bieber and Blake Lively look like as Average Americans

Blake lively planet hiltronJustin Bieber planet hiltronJon Hamm planet hiltron
Danny Evans – creator of Planet Hiltron, a site that shares photos of photoshopped celebrities looking like average to below average housewifes and blue collar husbands in small town America (basically, people who don’t know that feathered hair isn’t in style anymore) – is back, with renditions of Jon Hamm, Blake Lively and Justin Bieber + Selena Gomez.

Cameron Diaz and Lana Del Rey were also included in the exclusive collection. Would these not make amazing trading cards? The dumpier the celeb, the higher the value…

 

Bieber Injures Wrist in ATV Crash

Justin bieber four wheelerLast week, wittle baby Justin Bieber climbed up on a big bad four wheeler and hurt his itsy bitsy wrist. Did I mention he was arrested, or that Selena Gomez was there?

A photographer in a minivan reportedly caused the ATV crash in Ontario, but it’s more probable that he sprained his wrist texting, shaking his fist at the paparazzo he got in a fight with or whacking off to pictures of himself.

The weirdest part is that noted lawyer Gloria Allred is getting involved, and at first I thought she was repping Bieber (which would make sense since she’s all about protecting women’s rights), but she’s on team paparazzi, looking to imprison the Biebs in rusty shackles somewhere comparable to where Bane sent Batman, I hope.  Continue reading “Bieber Injures Wrist in ATV Crash”

Little Justin Bieber LOVED Using the N-Word

racist justin bieber video stillWe the blissfully ignorant public have recently learned that between at least the ages of 14 and 15, Justin Bieber had a VERY strong affinity for the n-word…

In two separate videos obtained by TMZ and The Sun, we see a young chuckling Biebs telling a black joke involving a chainsaw and singing the popular church hymn “One Less Lonely N*gger.”

Literally, if I could dip into Justin Bieber’s swear jar I COULD AFFORD TO HIRE AN ASSASSIN TO KILL JUSTIN BIEBER and still be richer than my friends.  Continue reading “Little Justin Bieber LOVED Using the N-Word”

Kardashian Wedding Details: The Hot Pastor, White Batman, George R.R. Martin & More!

kanye smilingI want you all to know that this article is the result of me involuntarily waking up at 8:00 a.m. and laying in bed with a heating pad on my bleeding uterus while watching nothing but E! News. Feel my pain.

Two hours of Kim Kardashian wedding coverage and five Reese’s Peanut Cups later, I learned as much of interest as I would have if the TV had been turned off…

Some poor E! correspondent had it so much worse, as she stood outside listening to dozens of Justin Bieber fans singing “Baby” in front of a hotel in foreign accents all because they thought he might be attending the wedding and wouldn’t stop even when she stuffed Cannolis in her ears and assured them he wasn’t there.  Continue reading “Kardashian Wedding Details: The Hot Pastor, White Batman, George R.R. Martin & More!”

Justin Bieber Wore a Hideous Hat While Dancing With Selena Gomez

Justin bieber selena gomez coachellaThat’s it. I’m convinced that Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez’s entire relationship is based on record sales. That they break up whenever new music is being released to generate buzz and lead their their mutual fans to believe that it’s about that.

I mean, why else release “Come and Get It,” with lyrics like “Hate the way I love you, maybe I’m addicted for life”? She’s got the fever baaaad, and maybe if she’d bothered to just look up a few inches at the top of Justin’s head the other night when they were bouncing around at Coachella she would realize that he is not the one be cured of her horrible affliction.

TMZ writes that Gomez chose to sit in Bieber’s lap at the music festival despite the fact that he was “dressed like a newborn baby at the beach.” I much prefer the idea of Justin kissing guys in the recording studio behind her back. It’s really too bad this picture of him and Austin Mahone was photoshopped

Continue reading “Justin Bieber Wore a Hideous Hat While Dancing With Selena Gomez”

Justin Bieber Hotboxed a Jet

Justin Bieber weed planeAmidst reports that Justin Bieber drove Selena Gomez to go to rehab when he cheated on her with the girl version of himself (Miley Cyrus), there’s also a rumor that he filled a private jet with so much pot smoke on his way to New York for the Super Bowl that the pilots had to wear gas masks.

Let that sink in. Pilots – who are notorious for popping pills and snorting coke btw – couldn’t handle the amount of weed smoke that had permeated throughout the plane.

Drug dogs at the airpot unsurprisingly found no “unsmoked marijuana,” not because Justin and his crew of Lil’ Zas and Twists were wise enough to cover their tracks, but because they are enormously greedy and likely burned up more than their combined weight (200 pounds?) in weed during one flight from Canada to NYC.

Justin Bieber ‘Races’ at 30 Miles an Hour

Justin Bieber basketball instagramLike Paris, Britney, Lindsay and Amanda before him, Justin Bieber is under a microscope. Not because no one can seem to find his enlarged clitoris, but because he is, in the words of Joel McHale, “a fucking idiot.”

TMZ has been poking around for follow-ups to accompany the news of his DUI arrest and so far they’ve uncovered a video of the Biebs driving slower than a slug in a wheelchair. At a mere 27 miles per hour, Justina Bebeur may just be the worst drag racer of all time. Sad because fatalities usually occur at higher speeds.

We’re also learned that the award for having female genitalia and riding in cars with little famous boys is getting paid to do “webcam events” and stripping for Michael Lohan lesser-known celebs at Scores.  Continue reading “Justin Bieber ‘Races’ at 30 Miles an Hour”

#DeportBieber Trends on Twitter Following DUI Arrest

Jutin Bieber tiger beat mugshot memeJustin Bieber was pulled over and taken into police custody today in Miami Beach for resisting arrest, driving under the influence and driving with an expired license, because Justin doesn’t have time to renew things, not yell “fuck” at the cops, or have someone else drive him after he’s washed a few Xanax down with his martinis.

He had a pretty HUGE smile on his beautiful ladyface in his mugshot, which totally inspired some radical photoshops, dude. (The best involved Orange is the New Black and Miley Cyrus, separately.)

Justin’s hooliganism arrest also inspired some kindness from his thousands of remaining fans on Twitter. Crap like “#PrayersforBieber” and “FreeBieber” trended, while the rest of us pushed “DeportBieber.” From TMZ:

According to the police report — obtained by TMZ — cops approached Bieber’s car and they instantly realized he reeked of alcohol and had bloodshot eyes.  He had a “stupor” look on his face.

The police report says … Bieber was defiant from the get-go, yelling at the cops, “Why the f**k are you doing this?”  He also yelled, “What the f**k did I do.  Why did you stop me?”  Continue reading “#DeportBieber Trends on Twitter Following DUI Arrest”

Police Continue to Search For Egg-Related Clues in Justin Bieber Case

Justin and lil za instagramFun and true facts:

1. Justin Bieber’s home was raided on Tuesday after a neighbor complained that he’d egged his house.

2. After an initial arrest for drug possession, Bieber’s buddy Lil’ Za was kept in jail longer for vandalizing a phone.  Sources tell E! he “got angry,” yelled and “ripped the phone off the wall entirely.”

3. Because Bieber’s neighbor claims his house was damaged to the tune of $20,000, the crime has been classified as a felony.

4. Police have not found significant evidence to charge the Biebs, but Los Angeles Lt. Dave Thompson says “The investigation is ongoing.”  Continue reading “Police Continue to Search For Egg-Related Clues in Justin Bieber Case”

Kelly Osbourne Spray Paints the Night Away After Becoming Single

Justin Bieber Kelly OsbourneKelly Osbourne took graffiti lessons from none other than Justin Bieber and posted proof of the event on Instagram on the very same day she announced that her and Matthew Mosshart would no longer be getting married.

“The split is amicable and the pair continue to have nothing but the utmost respect for one another,” a statement released to Us Weekly read. “Kelly is looking forward to a new year full of fresh beginnings. No further comments will be provided by all parties and we request privacy, decorum and space from the press but don’t expect it.”

Here’s my dream scenario, Kelly dates Justin and eventually takes him home to meet her dad, the Prince of Darkness, who promptly bites off his head off and spits it into a bowl full of Altoids Sours.

Justin Bieber Insists He’s Retiring, is a Dirty Liar

Justin bieber squintingFor the first time in his pitiful existence, Justin Bieber is getting our hopes up by mentioning his impending retirement. In the wake of his sh*tty album and sh*tty new movie, Justin has announced that he is “officially retiring.”

(And sh*tty publicity, i.e. driving under the influence of apple juice and chocolate milk God knows what, calling a young girl a “beached whale,” and generally being a manorexic, pedostache-having toolbox with a terribly mismatched 11″ ego and pencil dick.)

Alas, seeing that Justin is a supernatural tween magnet twenty times more powerful than One Direction, ‘N Sync, Backstreet Boys and New Kids on the Block combined, it is unlikely that this is actually going to happen. I doubt that he can be killed with fire or anything else, and I foresee him coming back like a particularly aggressive case of psoriasis or anal warts.

Continue reading “Justin Bieber Insists He’s Retiring, is a Dirty Liar”

Justin Bieber Visits a Brothel, Stands Up Fans in Brazil

Justin Bieber in a sheetJustin Bieber can’t get no satisfaction since his seemingly permanent separation from Selena Gomez, who seems to have completely tainted his feelings for “real” women.

Since visiting a strip club late last month, failing miserably (in a white sheet) to exit from a brothel in Brazil incognito, Bieber was most recently hit in the face with a water bottle during a concert. The boy disliked the sudden feel of plastic on his perfectly moisturized face, and ran off without returning to finish his set.

This is a simple case of neglect by his mother. All the kid really needs a blanket for his shoulders and a teddy bear that sings “if you want it, here it is, come and get it” when you pull a string in its back.

Underage Justin Bieber Grabs a Beer and a Handful of Texan Stripper Booty

justin bieber shirtless strip clubSome girls break free of their clean-cut image by wearing more revealing clothing and making risky non nun-approved career moves, but Justin Bieber isn’t like the other girls.

He breaks free by being completely topless in public, drinking Dos Equis and molesting exotic dancer sirloin.

Would he get girls (or boys) if he wasn’t famous? Yes, but not nearly as many.

Instead of being at some ultra-packed strip club in Texas, he’d be at the dive on the corner throwing quarters into the cheese-filled ass dimples of girls with nicknames like Buckwheat and Tiny.

I’m about to turn my own life around and open a really popular club in L.A. with a strict “no shirt, no service” policy for the sole satisfaction of rejecting Justin the second him and his goofball entourage catch wind of it just to prove that rules do in fact apply to them.

Read: Unbeliebable: 33-year-old Bieber fan has $100k of plastic surgery to look like his idol

Justin Bieber Hitches Ride up the Great Wall on Bodyguard’s Shoulders

Justin Bieber great wallJustin Bieber can’t really be bothered to wear a shirt, pull up his pants, go the speed limit or walk up The Great Wall of China without help from his security team. In recent photos posted to Instagram, the 19-year-old turd that was never flushed was shown riding up the famous stairs in Beijing on two of his bodyguard’s shoulders. The positioning of his hands suggest that he is either masturbating or checking his phone, because his privilege equals my suffering.

Not that he wouldn’t be a twat without the fame, but at least he wouldn’t have the option to NOT walk up the Great Wall. He’d still be on YouTube smashing his vagina into a drum stool. Continue reading “Justin Bieber Hitches Ride up the Great Wall on Bodyguard’s Shoulders”

Justin Bieber Faces Potential Deportation After Hamptons Brawl

Justin bieber flagI think at this point it’s pretty safe to say that we all just want Justin Bieber to disappear. And while vanishing into thin air is probably a longshot, we might be able to land the next best thing: deportation.

You don’t usually think Justin Bieber when you think deportation because, you know, he’s an enormously rich, white celebrity who is legally residing in the US. But technically speaking, he’s not a citizen and his recent scuffle in the Hamptons could theoretically get his ass kicked out of the US and sent back to Canada. I know, it’s like that movie The Proposal. Except when I watch The Proposal I don’t have a deep urge to punch Sandra Bullock in the face.

All that would need to happen are these two easy steps:

1. Biebs is accused of assault or battery in regards to the Hamptons case (defined as “threat of bodily harm coupled with an apparent, present ability to cause the harm.”)

2. The assault is deemed an “aggregated felony,” which could lead to deportation for any non-citizen.

Which means a one-way ticket back to Canada. Pretty swell, eh?  Continue reading “Justin Bieber Faces Potential Deportation After Hamptons Brawl”