THIS IS NOT A DRILL: Bruce and Kris Jenner are Separated

Kris Jenner Bruce JennerAfter years and years of speculation, rumors, and separate coffins living situations, Kris and Bruce Jenner confirmed to E! that they are no longer romantically involved.

The wording, however, leaves many questions to be answered.

Like, are they getting a divorce any time soon? What’s the point, and were her ladybits more like a carnivorous plant gnawing on him slowly or did they clamp down suddenly, like the twisted rusty bear trap from Saw? 

Bruce and Kris Jenner have separated after 22 years of marriage.

“We are living separately and we are much happier this way,” the pair exclusively tell E! News.

“But we will always have much love and respect for each other. Even though we are separated, we will always remain best friends and, as always, our family will remain our number one priority.”

He lives in Malibu, she’s in Hidden Hills, the kids are all over the place, no one’s really at a loss except for Vampira’s future lover/client/plant waterer/dog poo scooper.  Continue reading “THIS IS NOT A DRILL: Bruce and Kris Jenner are Separated”

Bruce Jenner Suffering From Skin Cancer ‘For Several Years’

Bruce Jenner nose cancerThe lone elder pole vaulting penis of the Kardashian Kamp was not punched in the face by Kris Jenner for failing to put his toy helicopters away after all…

After being photographed out and about with a bandaged face, Bruce Jenner confirms to E! News that he has undergone surgery to remove cancerous tissue from his nose, thus urging us all to protect our non-Armenian skin with handfuls of sunscreen and to steal wide-rimmed golf hats from that special old man in your life. (Be it a sugar daddy, grandfather, or clueless neighbor.)

“I was diagnosed with…Basal cell carcinoma and have undergone Mohs surgery to remove it,” 63-year-old Jenner tells the site. “I have been struggling with this for several years and appreciate all of the support and prayers while I continue to fight the battle against skin cancer.”  Continue reading “Bruce Jenner Suffering From Skin Cancer ‘For Several Years’”

Kim Kardashian is Kate Middleton’s Spirit Animal

Kim Kadashian whaleMany months after websites said American reality show princess Kim Kardashian was “obsessed” with actual princess Kate Middleton because of their many common interests (really just shopping), sources are reporting that her royal highness is a huge Keeping Up With The Kardashians fan, watching the show “religiously” and laughing at the family’s antics.

Prince William apparently wishes his bored wife had a more conventional craving, like Dorito nachos with spaghetti sauce and durian guacamole.

“Will doesn’t watch the show with her, and makes fun of her for liking it so much,” a friend told the Daily Star. “It doesn’t bother Kate, though. She finds it relaxing, and is flattered Kim keeps speaking so highly of her.”

Funny Video: Kardashians Interview Russell Brand

To top off Monday’s Kardashian takeover of Chelsea Lately (with round table guidance from Kris Jenner), Kim, Khloe and Kourtney discussed a milk and period-themed encounter with Russell Brand.

“Kourtney is lactating and Kim is pregnant … and I am just like, raging waters,” Khloe said in response to Brand being “Vulnerable to the concept of a KKK threesome.”  Continue reading “Funny Video: Kardashians Interview Russell Brand”

Kris Jenner Spent 1989 With Her Legs Above Her Head, Ignoring Her Kids

Kris Jenner unfit motherForgive me, but I just find this story so goddamn funny. Not the neglectful part. Just that Kris Jenner was such a sex-obsessed, Fassbender-in-Shame-style 80’s nymphomaniac that she couldn’t be bothered to pick up a phone.

In an In Touch “exclusive,” which a rep for the Kardashian klan called “ridiculous,” the magazine claims to have obtained the late Robert Kardashian’s handwritten journals, which are full of complaints about his irresponsible ex-wife.

Inside, we learn (using “learn” loosely) that Kris kicked and beat Kim in August of 1989 and was so into Todd Waterman (that guy she just happened to run into on KUWTK) that she was never home.

Continue reading “Kris Jenner Spent 1989 With Her Legs Above Her Head, Ignoring Her Kids”

Kim Kardashian is Pregnant, I REPEAT, Kim Kardashian is PREGNANT!

Kim and Kanye happyTwo and a half months ago, give or take a few days, Zeus tossed a lightning bolt to earth straight through Kanye West and into Kim Kardashian‘s uterus. Yeah, I learned about pregnancy by reading D’Aulaires’ Book of Greek Myths, but that’s not the point.

Stay focused and say it with me: KIM KARDASHIAN IS PREGNANT. (Listen closely and you can hear the sound of infertile Khloe’s teeth grinding themselves into oblivion.)

The most famous, self-absorbed woman with no particular talent and the most self-absorbed rapper (together since April) are having a baby and I think the due date is sometime in mid August, or possibly July? It’s been established that I’m not good with this counting, brain-using stuff.  Continue reading “Kim Kardashian is Pregnant, I REPEAT, Kim Kardashian is PREGNANT!”

Happy Holidays From The Kardashian-Jenner-Odom-Disick Family!

Kardashian Christmas card 2012 The 2012 Kardashian Christmas card is surprisingly white and reminiscent of a New Year’s mixer sponsored by Harry Winston. Notice the stand-outs…

Grandma Samantha Jones enjoying champagne with barren childless Khloe, Kendall Jenner showcasing the gams, and DJ of the event, Rob “Rawdog” Kardashian.  Continue reading “Happy Holidays From The Kardashian-Jenner-Odom-Disick Family!”

Chris “fuckyopictures” Brown and Friends Dress as Terrorists

Because people didn’t hate him enough already, Chris Brown decided to dress up like a terrorist for Halloween, posting this picture on his Instagram account, “fuckyopictures.”

He’s the one in the middle, with the gun. The caption: “Ain’t nobody Fucking wit my clique!!!!#ohb.

Continue reading “Chris “fuckyopictures” Brown and Friends Dress as Terrorists”

Kardashians Cover Biggie’s ‘Hypnotize’

One of the most shocking moments in my young life came in the form of a harmless walk in the woods behind my house. I had taken to lifting rocks in the hopes of examining interesting bugs, usually ants or the occasional red centipede.

On this comfortably cool summer day on the Oregon Coast I lifted a particularly large rock and discovered a nest of baby snakes. They startled me mostly because there were so many and they moved so quick and pointlessly.

When I see the Kardashian-Jenner family I am reminded of that day. This is a group of creatures that never stop working, but for what cause I do not know.  Continue reading “Kardashians Cover Biggie’s ‘Hypnotize’”

The Most Inappropriate Kardashian TV Moment Ever?

“Inappropriate” and “Kardashian” in one sentence feels like a very redundant oxymoron. Anyone who watches the show knows this is one weird family, and I’m not talking about brains or selfishness.

The sisters (and Rob) are constantly de-pantsing and groping each other while talking in detail about sex and every other thing I would never consider discussing with my family.

On the finale of Khloe & Lamar, Khloe considers getting a DNA test to find out is she is in fact Robert Kardashian’s biological daughter.  Continue reading “The Most Inappropriate Kardashian TV Moment Ever?”

The End Of Khloe And Lamar…On TV, For A Second

Khloe & Lamar has not been cancelled, as we all initially thought. The show is simply on a hiatus.

Really? For a second I was weeping over the end of an era.

No more Lamar being grumpy over his recently soured NBA career, no more Khloe screaming “I love you doll” and inappropriately slapping her five sisters and mom on the behind?

Malika and Rob will just be funneled back onto Keeping Up With The Kardashians. Obviously, I watch the four K-Dash shows way too much. But it isn’t the end, of any of them.

“Our show is not canceled,” Khloe told ET. “Lamar and I have just chosen to take a break this summer. I feel like we’ve been on a whirlwind and doing back-to-back shows.”  Continue reading “The End Of Khloe And Lamar…On TV, For A Second”

O.J. Simpson Is Khloe Kardashian’s Dad Now

After rumors circled and speculation stones were thrown towards Khloe Kardashian, who may or may not be Robert Kardashian’s genetic daughter, I finally know who her true father is.

National Enquirer with the big Luke Skywalker/Darth Vader reveal: it’s O.J. Simpson! This makes perfect sense because Robert Kardashian and O.J. were good friends back in the day.

Add that bit of knowledge to the fact that Kris Jenner was a notorious adulteress and you’ve got an airtight case.

Continue reading “O.J. Simpson Is Khloe Kardashian’s Dad Now”

Khloe – Real Kardashian Or ‘Milkman’s Daughter?’

It doesn’t exactly come as a surprise that Khloe Kardashian‘s genetic Armenian relation to her sisters and father Robert Kardashian is being questioned.  Khloe herself sought out a DNA test on television which proved only that she was the spawn of Kris Jenner, who admitted in her tell-all book to cheating during her previous marriage.

Robert Kardashian’s ex-wives, Jan Ashley and Ellen Pierson, both claim that he knew she wasn’t his daughter, but accepted her as a part of the family regardless. Ashley told Star Magazine that he told her matter-of-factly, “Well, you know that Khloe’s not really a Kardashian, don’t you?

Continue reading “Khloe – Real Kardashian Or ‘Milkman’s Daughter?’”

Celebrity Christmas Cards, 2011 Edition

Egos and fame go together like bread and toasters so it’s no surprise when they humiliate themselves with over-the-top Christmas Cards. 2011’s most interesting cards came from The Kardashian family, Bret Michaels and Fergie/Josh Duhamel. Continue reading “Celebrity Christmas Cards, 2011 Edition”

Get Revenge! Wash Your Grimy Hands On Kardashian Faces!

After being bombarded with Armenian circus-booty triplet merchandise such as reality show-spinoffs, clothing lines, unisex perfume and credit cards, you can rest easy. There’s more!

The dark-haired Star Wars-style empire is bringing you decorative pieces for your throne room in the form of bath mats and hand towels.

Other items in the “Kardashian Kollection Home,” which they recently trademarked, include pillow cases, sheets, candlesticks, beer mugs and other sports-related towels. (Football, Golf, Etc.)

Continue reading “Get Revenge! Wash Your Grimy Hands On Kardashian Faces!”

Kardashian Family Confused By Obama Comments

In an interview with iVillage, Michelle Obama revealed that her husband Barack is not thrilled about his 10 and 13 year-old daughters, Sasha and Malia, watching the show Keeping Up With The Kardashians. Michelle said:

“Barack really thinks some of the Kardashians – when they watch that stuff — he doesn’t like that as much. But I sort of feel like if we’re talking about it, and I’m more concerned with how they take it in – what did you learn when you watched that. And if they’re learning the right lessons, like, that was crazy, then I’m like, okay…”

Continue reading “Kardashian Family Confused By Obama Comments”